Why is my ex boyfriend acting this way?

[Elle22]

Hey everyone,

I hope you're all having a blessed day. I apologise if this post should be on another thread, I'm new to this site.

My boyfriend and I were together for a year and he broke up with me a couple of months ago. I was blindsided as he had shown no indication of being unhappy. In fact, in the couple of weeks prior we had enjoyed an anniversary meal together, celebrated new years and he'd told me how much he loved me and how God's love for him shone through me. He had always shown me a lot of love and affection and talked about marriage very early on. I became keen too, thinking this was the one God had for me. He had told me a month or so before the break up that when he next saw his parents he would be telling them that he planned to propose to me in the somewhat near future, we'd even started saving up for our honeymoon which he was very keen to do and offered to get a job in his summer break to save up for it!!
A couple of days before the initial break up, I had been a bit upset because he seemed somewhat busy and withdrawn and not really interested in talking to me when I was with him. So I probably wasn't fun to be around for those couple of days but I woke up the morning of the day he broke up with me (hours before it happened) and knew God was telling me I was too dependent on him, so I told my ex this in order to explain why I had been upset and the things I was going to do to change this, like get back into my old hobbies and focusing on God more. Bear in mind that I wasn't saying any of this to 'win him back' because I had no idea he'd be breaking up with me that evening.
After he broke up with me (which he said he had only decided to do that morning...), he prayed for me because I was distraught and then he immediately started crying (the first time I saw him cry) and said he made a mistake, so we got back together. He said he didn't want us to talk much over the next few weeks as I needed to focus on dealing with my issues (I had become too dependent on him and needed to get back into my own hobbies and goals again, which I did) and that he needed to focus on his med school exams. Then 3 weeks later he called me, was completely cold, and breaks up with me again. A few weeks ago I found out that he had started seeing a new girl in that time and they soon got into a relationship (possibly before that 3 weeks was up) and they're now supposedly in love and he has made it clear he is totally over me and feels nothing. He's told her that it's because I said I'd change and I wouldn't???
During those 3 weeks I did absolutely everything I could humanly do: I was so nervous about everything but I got in touch with counsellors, prayed and read my bible constantly, spoke to Christians I trusted for guidance, got back into hobbies and seeing friends even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. He even suggested I visit his Mum in that time which I did, she is lovely and he had made it seem to her that we were still together and he was just trying to make the right choice. She was certain we would be absolutely fine and this would make us stronger. He phoned my Mum up and pretended he still wanted to come on a family trip we were taking that he was invited to (only a couple of days before breaking up with me the 2nd time) and met up with a family friend in the church for 'counsel', all while seeing this girl!!

The thing is that I know we didn't put God first in our relationship and sinned a lot, but the first break up was a wake up call to me. I humbly looked at my own flaws and started making the necessary changes and most importantly, putting God first place, something I thought he would do. Meanwhile he was starting a new relationship with someone, I'm not even sure she's a Christian.
He is 23 and has been in a handful of longterm relationships, other than when he didn't for a couple of years and had many many one night stands. However, I never judged him for that because he wasn't a Christian then and had become one 6 months before we met. He seemed to genuinely love God and have great respect for his authority. Well his words said this but then with how quickly he pursued the physical aspect of the relationship, I'm not sure he did. I don't even think he tried to hurt me, that's the thing, I don't think he was lying. But he was never willing to get any ministry for his past because he said it was in the past and that he is a new creation now he's a Christian. This was my first serious relationship.

I'm just hurt because we had planned our entire future's together, I just don't understand what on earth he is doing?! How can he say he is seeking God yet be so arrogant and not notice any of his own flaws.

I'm so sorry that this has been so long, I just needed to get it off my chest and hear the thoughts of other Christians. Thank you if you got this far!!

EDIT: Something to note is that he is studying abroad, about a 2 hour flight away while his family are in the same country as me. So it was a long distance thing.

 

[Complete in Thee]

You need a husband, not a boyfriend.

God bless

 

[Gnarwhal]

The first thing that stands out to me is your guys' ages. You're both very young and even though you dated for a year, that's still a relatively quick amount of time to be exploring engagement. It's not impossible to pull that off, and everybody has a right to go as fast or as slow as they want in a relationship, but generally speaking many people suggest a minimum of two years dating before getting engaged.

Okay, so all of that is to say that what I'm gleaning from your post is that each of you still have a lot of maturing to do. That's not an insult, that's just a natural reality for all of us. I've mentioned several times before on this forum that research shows our brains don't finish forming until we're 25 years old. Even more recent evidence shows that they continue forming beyond that (possibly until we're 30 or so). When you take that into consideration, getting into serious relationships in our early twenties is a risky proposition because who we are is going to be changing and evolving very erratically until our brains finish developing. The person we are at the beginning of the relationship could very easily be different from who we are several years down the road. At some level that's always going to be true, but not to the degree that it is in our twenties. Our identity is still forming at that age.

I speak from personal experience on this. I got married three months after my 22nd birthday, and we ultimately divorced just before my 27th. In that roughly five-year span the kind of person I was evolved significantly.

In the account you've given in the OP, his behavior seems pretty unstable. Breaking up with you the first time only to immediately turn around and get back together. Then you guys have minimal contact for three weeks and he coldly breaks up with you again, only for you to find out he may have been seeing another woman in that intervening time. That behavior is immature at best and scandalous at worst. He sounds like he has no clue what he really wants.

I will say that I can't read his thoughts, so I don't know exactly what his justification was for doing what he did. He very well could've had a rational understanding of why he broke up with you and maybe either doesn't know how to articulate it, or he doesn't feel like he needs to.

I was in a long-distance relationship myself over the summer into early fall. Yes, it was a short period of time, but the bond was pretty intense. Mutual friends set us up on the pretense that we were wanting to get married eventually. It ended up being a great match, and without saying anything explicitly, we both indicated that our relationship would eventually lead towards marriage - after an appropriate amount of time dating.

Well, after about three months she blindsided me with an over-the-phone breakup. According to her, everything was basically upside-down, she wasn't even sure if she wanted to get married and have kids anymore. It was all so backwards, she explicitly told me that I was everything she ever wanted, and yet she didn't want the relationship to go any further. She ended it, like cold, hard math. I still don't fully understand it six months later, and I doubt I ever will. It's just something I have to continue healing over and work on moving on from.

It's good that you've sought counsel, and that you're turning to your faith to carry you through this because that's the best thing you can possibly do in these situations. Continue seeing the counselor if you can, and stay steadfast in your faith.

That's the best input and advice I can offer. I'll say a prayer for you.

 

[discipler7]

In fact, in the couple of weeks prior we had enjoyed an anniversary meal together, celebrated new years and he'd told me how much he loved me and how God's love for him shone through me.

.
Know that boys do not really fall in love(= the romantic kind), ie only girls fall in love, eg fall head over heels in love = one of the curses of God for Eve and her female descendants, as per GENESIS.3:14-17.
....... The most that a good boy can offer his gf/wife is the platonic or sisterly/brotherly kind of love = loves his neighbors/friends as himself, as per MATTHEW.22:37-40. Conversely, a bad/evil boy will fall in lust or for sex objects and pretend to fall deeply in love = will then change gf's/sex-objects like changing his car/iPhone.

So, girls should not offer sex too easily to their bf's, eg wait at least 6 months during the dating stage to see if he truly "loves" you neighborly or considerately. Watch or look out for good boys who love their neighbors/friends/ /strangers/waiters/cashiers/etc as themselves and hate their enemies as the devil.(MATTHEW.5:43)
.
.
P S - Btw, 1CORINTHIANS.7 says that it is better for the unmarried to remain single = can serve God wholeheartedly.

 

[Matthew 24 10]

He had fun with you so did you with him that's all , that's not relationship but fornication , he left when fun ended what is hard about it ? You seem to overthink it in your post .

 

[Paulie079]

The best I can offer you is a couple of thoughts:

1) Only worry about what you can control. At this point you can't control his words or his actions, but you can control yours. Far and away the best thing you can do is cut off contact with him and his family and also inform your family that you have broken up. It's incredibly strange for him to be contacting your family after he has broken up with you so I would put an end to that. It is difficult I know, but trust me as someone speaking from experience, it is by far the best thing for your soul. It will allow yourself to process and grieve properly without being emotionally jerked around anymore.

2) I can't speak to his motivations or thinking for certain, but I will say that there are just people out there who are immature and don't know what they want. Clearly he didn't have the maturity to handle being faithful to you in a long-distance relationship. Also, I know you say he is a Christian, but given that he became a Christian just months before you got together means that he's still pretty young in his faith. Depending on how or if he has been discipled, he probably still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

[PeachieKeen]

First of all, very sorry this is happening. I know this hurts you deeply and I don't wish this pain for you.

Have a lot of disjointed things to say and typing on a phone, so I'm just going to make some bullets.

- it's unfortunately not uncommon for someone to use the near offer of marriage as a bargaining chip to progress a physical relationship. He might have even thought he meant it at the time, but it's possible it was a tactic to get you comfortable pushing physical boundaries farther than you wanted to.
- the real life Hitch said once in a speech at my college "in a relationship, the one who cares less has the power." It's haunted me because it's true. Sadly it's hard to know who has the power or cares less until something like this happens. As much as you hurt, try not to let him see you hurting because it seems he's really thriving on the power you're giving him. He's not going to take care of you, you need to protect yourself.
- the only thing left to do with this situation is make whatever kind of lemonade you can, grow from it. Learn where your moral lines fall so you can't be manipulated in the future. Recognize the signs he may have shown that could alert you sooner in the future. Grow closer to God.

I hope this jumble of words was in any way helpful. Please utilize the community here to love on you and support you in this hard time.

 

[Swan7]

He had fun with you so did you with him that's all , that's not relationship but fornication , he left when fun ended what is hard about it ? You seem to overthink it in your post .

I have to say, that is VERY speculative and assuming of someone's life. Have you read her entire post? She's trying to do right by God. Yes, she's young, but that's it.

 

[Swan7]

I can't say much of anything about what's going on here, but I can point you in the right direction by saying you're on the right track when you said you need to redirect yourself in God's presence.

You remind me of myself in my younger days. I was looking everywhere in the world for love, but I did not find it in the world. I found it years later (2014 to be exact) by taking up my cross, dying to myself (denying myself) and God resurrected me spiritually. I found love because it's God's love I was really seeking, though I didn't know it.
Then after getting acquainted with God in who He is and what His ways are, I asked Him if it was in His will for me to have a husband. I said to Him that I wasn't going to look anymore because every time I did, it got me nothing but heart ache and heart break. I'm just a mere human being that cannot see all nor know all, but God, You can and do! But then I found myself not wanting/needing a husband. I said I don't need anyone but You (God). He then answered my prayer like this:

Next thing I know is that I'm praying for a man that I didn't even know. God would wake me up at night just to pray for him. He set in my heart what to pray for even though it seemed strange. Then after about a year of this I met him through this very site! God is amazing! We aren't together yet because God is still working through us first so that we can mesh together when His time says it's right/good.

So please, take my testimony as encouragement that God is working through many and even you! Strain your ear so that you may listen and hear His voice.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

I agree with what PeachieKeen has already said. The only thing I would add is that if you are still in contact with him in any way, stop. Do not allow him to any longer have any communication or any in roads into your life. The fact that he would go off and find another girl so quickly seems to say that he does not truly care about you, if he ever did. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know it must be very painful for you. (((((hugs)))))

 

[Paulie079]

I forgot to add that guys like this deserve to be throat-punched. But I think that was already common knowledge

 

[Sketcher]

I don't know why he would still want to go on that trip with your family. I would think/hope that they would rescind the invitation if you inform them that there is no visible hope of getting back together with him, which it sounds like.

 

[Elle22]

The first thing that stands out to me is your guys' ages. You're both very young and even though you dated for a year, that's still a relatively quick amount of time to be exploring engagement. It's not impossible to pull that off, and everybody has a right to go as fast or as slow as they want in a relationship, but generally speaking many people suggest a minimum of two years dating before getting engaged.

Okay, so all of that is to say that what I'm gleaning from your post is that each of you still have a lot of maturing to do. That's not an insult, that's just a natural reality for all of us. I've mentioned several times before on this forum that research shows our brains don't finish forming until we're 25 years old. Even more recent evidence shows that they continue forming beyond that (possibly until we're 30 or so). When you take that into consideration, getting into serious relationships in our early twenties is a risky proposition because who we are is going to be changing and evolving very erratically until our brains finish developing. The person we are at the beginning of the relationship could very easily be different from who we are several years down the road. At some level that's always going to be true, but not to the degree that it is in our twenties. Our identity is still forming at that age.

I speak from personal experience on this. I got married three months after my 22nd birthday, and we ultimately divorced just before my 27th. In that roughly five-year span the kind of person I was evolved significantly.

In the account you've given in the OP, his behavior seems pretty unstable. Breaking up with you the first time only to immediately turn around and get back together. Then you guys have minimal contact for three weeks and he coldly breaks up with you again, only for you to find out he may have been seeing another woman in that intervening time. That behavior is immature at best and scandalous at worst. He sounds like he has no clue what he really wants.

I will say that I can't read his thoughts, so I don't know exactly what his justification was for doing what he did. He very well could've had a rational understanding of why he broke up with you and maybe either doesn't know how to articulate it, or he doesn't feel like he needs to.

I was in a long-distance relationship myself over the summer into early fall. Yes, it was a short period of time, but the bond was pretty intense. Mutual friends set us up on the pretense that we were wanting to get married eventually. It ended up being a great match, and without saying anything explicitly, we both indicated that our relationship would eventually lead towards marriage - after an appropriate amount of time dating.

Well, after about three months she blindsided me with an over-the-phone breakup. According to her, everything was basically upside-down, she wasn't even sure if she wanted to get married and have kids anymore. It was all so backwards, she explicitly told me that I was everything she ever wanted, and yet she didn't want the relationship to go any further. She ended it, like cold, hard math. I still don't fully understand it six months later, and I doubt I ever will. It's just something I have to continue healing over and work on moving on from.

It's good that you've sought counsel, and that you're turning to your faith to carry you through this because that's the best thing you can possibly do in these situations. Continue seeing the counselor if you can, and stay steadfast in your faith.

That's the best input and advice I can offer. I'll say a prayer for you.

Thank you for your support and advice. Admittedly, I had some maturing to do. Although I was a very mature person, I was naive because I wasn't able to recognise the signs of a manipulative and controlling person. I think it's sad that having an 'innocent' view on people and taking what they said at face value was used to my detriment, but that's the sinful world we live in I guess.

Sadly, this experience has jaded me hugely. I'm not sure how I can ever trust someone fully again and truly care about someone because it's a dangerous position to put myself in. However, I trust in God to heal me fully and to allow me to meet the right person if that's His will for my life.

I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce and the end of your long distance relationship. It must be really hard but I hope you're on the road to recovery and that you're following Jesus closely for healing.

Thank you for your prayers! God bless you

 

[Elle22]

.
Know that boys do not really fall in love(= the romantic kind), ie only girls fall in love, eg fall head over heels in love = one of the curses of God for Eve and her female descendants, as per GENESIS.3:14-17.
....... The most that a good boy can offer his gf/wife is the platonic or sisterly/brotherly kind of love = loves his neighbors/friends as himself, as per MATTHEW.22:37-40. Conversely, a bad/evil boy will fall in lust or for sex objects and pretend to fall deeply in love = will then change gf's/sex-objects like changing his car/iPhone.

So, girls should not offer sex too easily to their bf's, eg wait at least 6 months during the dating stage to see if he truly "loves" you neighborly or considerately. Watch or look out for good boys who love their neighbors/friends/ /strangers/waiters/cashiers/etc as themselves and hate their enemies as the devil.(MATTHEW.5:43)
.
.
P S - Btw, 1CORINTHIANS.7 says that it is better for the unmarried to remain single = can serve God wholeheartedly.

Hi, thanks for your reply to my thread. I see what you're saying and agree with you in some instances. For example, I would agree that many men (and probably women too) fall in lust rather than love and therefore can easily give up once they are bored. However, I disagree that that men cannot love their wives/gf's properly. Love is an action and a choice that is specifically defined using many characteristics in the bible, it's not impossible for men, it just requires effort (as it does for women).
I also agree that sex isn't something that should be given up easily, and that is a huge regret of mine. It really should be kept for marriage and marriage alone.
God bless you.

 

[Elle22]

He had fun with you so did you with him that's all , that's not relationship but fornication , he left when fun ended what is hard about it ? You seem to overthink it in your post .

Not a particularly helpful answer. I was extremely hurt (and still am in ways, but by the grace of God I am greatly recovered) and was looking for answers. Clearly fornication is wrong and I was very wrong for that, however your answer was really useless to me and probably others reading as it ignores the fact that I am a human being with a heart who was trampled on by someone I loved. I hope you can be more compassionate to others in the future.

 

[Elle22]

The best I can offer you is a couple of thoughts:

1) Only worry about what you can control. At this point you can't control his words or his actions, but you can control yours. Far and away the best thing you can do is cut off contact with him and his family and also inform your family that you have broken up. It's incredibly strange for him to be contacting your family after he has broken up with you so I would put an end to that. It is difficult I know, but trust me as someone speaking from experience, it is by far the best thing for your soul. It will allow yourself to process and grieve properly without being emotionally jerked around anymore.

2) I can't speak to his motivations or thinking for certain, but I will say that there are just people out there who are immature and don't know what they want. Clearly he didn't have the maturity to handle being faithful to you in a long-distance relationship. Also, I know you say he is a Christian, but given that he became a Christian just months before you got together means that he's still pretty young in his faith. Depending on how or if he has been discipled, he probably still has a lot of growing up to do.

Hello, just wanted to say thank you for your kind reply on my thread. I found it very helpful while all of this was going on. I learnt that I had to let go of control and the idea of the person I thought my ex was. Unfortunately, that still messes with me because it's a strange feeling when you think you know someone so well for a year and they turn out to be the polar opposite. All I can hope for him is that he'll be convicted enough to deal with his issues before he damages any more women, I truly feel sorry for his current girlfriend and hope she's not in as deep as I was...but she probably is.

Anyways, thank you again and God bless you!

 

[Elle22]

I can't say much of anything about what's going on here, but I can point you in the right direction by saying you're on the right track when you said you need to redirect yourself in God's presence.

You remind me of myself in my younger days. I was looking everywhere in the world for love, but I did not find it in the world. I found it years later (2014 to be exact) by taking up my cross, dying to myself (denying myself) and God resurrected me spiritually. I found love because it's God's love I was really seeking, though I didn't know it.
Then after getting acquainted with God in who He is and what His ways are, I asked Him if it was in His will for me to have a husband. I said to Him that I wasn't going to look anymore because every time I did, it got me nothing but heart ache and heart break. I'm just a mere human being that cannot see all nor know all, but God, You can and do! But then I found myself not wanting/needing a husband. I said I don't need anyone but You (God). He then answered my prayer like this:

Next thing I know is that I'm praying for a man that I didn't even know. God would wake me up at night just to pray for him. He set in my heart what to pray for even though it seemed strange. Then after about a year of this I met him through this very site! God is amazing! We aren't together yet because God is still working through us first so that we can mesh together when His time says it's right/good.

So please, take my testimony as encouragement that God is working through many and even you! Strain your ear so that you may listen and hear His voice.

Hello, thank you so much for your very kind and encouraging reply on my thread. It was such a tough time for me and a reply like yours was just what I needed. I'm sure you're a great encourager to the body of Christ.

I agree that I was desperately looking for love and approval and sadly my ex took full advantage of that and used it to control and manipulate me. I'm very grateful that God released me from that mess of a relationship before it was too late, but I'm sad that I still have to deal with the mental consequences of being with him.

I'm so happy to hear that you've met someone and I pray that your relationship bears much good fruit and that you're able to build each other up and glorify God as a team. God bless you

 

[Elle22]

I agree with what PeachieKeen has already said. The only thing I would add is that if you are still in contact with him in any way, stop. Do not allow him to any longer have any communication or any in roads into your life. The fact that he would go off and find another girl so quickly seems to say that he does not truly care about you, if he ever did. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know it must be very painful for you. (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for your kind reply, I really needed that kind of compassion at the time so I appreciate it. I am doing much much better although it is still hard and has effected me greatly. I took your advice and cut off all contact, he hasn't made any effort to contact me since as I presume he is too preoccupied with his gf of the moment, so you were right that he didn't truly care. Thanks again for your love and I pray God blesses you greatly and keeps you

 

[Elle22]

I don't know why he would still want to go on that trip with your family. I would think/hope that they would rescind the invitation if you inform them that there is no visible hope of getting back together with him, which it sounds like.

I don't think he did, I think he was just covering himself at that stage to make it seem as though he was truly contemplating and praying over whether our relationship was the right thing, rather than what he was actually doing (starting a new relationship). Funny how he never had time to text me back because of med school, but had time to go to such great lengths to lie to me Kinda makes me laugh in hindsight lol. Anyways, thanks for your reply and God bless you

 

[Paulie079]

Hello, just wanted to say thank you for your kind reply on my thread. I found it very helpful while all of this was going on. I learnt that I had to let go of control and the idea of the person I thought my ex was. Unfortunately, that still messes with me because it's a strange feeling when you think you know someone so well for a year and they turn out to be the polar opposite. All I can hope for him is that he'll be convicted enough to deal with his issues before he damages any more women, I truly feel sorry for his current girlfriend and hope she's not in as deep as I was...but she probably is.

Anyways, thank you again and God bless you!

I can strongly relate to a lot of things you have said so I know what you mean. It is easy to develop a rose-colored view of someone and make excuses for their bad behavior. This is something I have done in the past, and it taught me that basically I can't always trust myself when it comes to judging the character of someone that I am infatuated with. I have to be strong enough to step outside of my own feelings and rely on the views and opinions of other people in my life who want the best for me.