HELP!my husband is really not who I thought he was

[worriedmommie]

For the longest time I thought my husband was just dealt a rough hand in life. I have always believed that he was always doing his best but circumstances outside his control were just always derailing him. I have always told my self that my husband may not make a lot of money, he may not be particularly handy, may not be super educated but he loves his family with his whole heart and that's what matters. Now I feel completely betrayed and frankly horrified after finding out what he has been spending his time doing while I am at work trying to support us (hint: I though he was looking for work, he wasn't ).
Last weekend I discovered that my husband is really into erotic cannabalism porn. I needed to use his computer and he forgot to close his browsers and I found he is a member of a couple online "fantasy forums" dedicated to cooking women as food. I don't want to name the sites as they are sick and I don't want to be giving them exposure in a Christian forum. I found out that not only is he a consumer of the pornographic material he is also a producer of it.
On these forums he has built up an online persona of him self where he is an alpha male "fembutcher" whose job it is to fatten and slaughter women like livestock. In both these forums he is a "contributing member" who has A HUGE following. What he contributes are erotic stories about how he would butcher and cook various women and photoshopped images of porn actresses cut up into various dishes. What horrified me the most is that in his erotic stories he would write about women he knows, women he has met, and most scarry he has written about me and my sister in some of his stories. Of course he prefaced every story with "this is just a fantasy" but it is still sickening that the man who swore to love and cherish me for the rest of our lives describes me to Internet strangers as the "husow he is fattening up for Christmas ".
I really do not know what to do. When I confronted him he tried to flip this onto me by saying that this is just a form of extreme bondage and can be very sensual. I told him I needed time away from him if my death and dismemberment was a turn on to him. His parents think that I am judging their son too hard. Once I found his little secret, I took my son and are now staying with his sister and her husband (I really really had to humble my self to my sister in law and they only allowed me to stay when I showed them the graphic nature of the porn my husband was into). What can I do in this situation? I am at a complete loss as what is appropriate.

 

[HereIStand]

It sounds like you did the right thing. It's easy for men to be drawn in by porn, even when they're Christian and married and should known better. However, this type of porn sounds hardcore to say the least. Give him another chance if he agrees to talk with a counselor, cease all unsupervised online activities, and actively seek employment.

 

[Endeavourer]

When your husband's fantasies include dismembering, cooking and eating you, you took the very healthy and right FIRST step of separating.

Did you save any of the evidence? If not, can you access it again?

I would not consider reconciliation in your situation but would keep moving forward with a more permanent solution to go your separate ways. Further, I'd want him to have supervised visitation with your son, and I would spare no details to the court when justifying your request. Do not protect a perpetrator, potentially at your son's expense.

 

[Tolworth John]

Do get professional advice and councelling.
Think very carefully about where you go from here.
Will he go for addiction treatment and also seek and get full time employment?
How will he prove he has given up on porn?
Are you prepared for the consquences?

 

[Papias]

Keep you and your son safe - this is completely sick and anyone telling you to try to reconcile and "give him another chance" is enabling his perversion and putting you and your son in direct danger. Get away no matter what he says he'll do (regardless of "good", like "I'll go to a counselor, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again", and "bad" like "come back or I'll kill you"). There are anonymous women's shelters in your town - find them and go. Start a new life, while you still can. You aren't completely safe if he knows where you are. You owe that to your son and to you.

 

[Dave-W]

Wow. I have never heard of such a thing.

If your husband claims to be a christian, you need to talk to your pastor. Not only is it not safe for you to be around him; it is not safe for the other women in the church as well.

 

[worriedmommie]

Did you save any of the evidence? If not, can you access it again?

Yes, I did save it all. That is how I convinced my sister in law to allow my son and I to stay with them.

Wow. I have never heard of such a thing.

If your husband claims to be a christian, you need to talk to your pastor. Not only is it not safe for you to be around him; it is not safe for the other women in the church as well.

Apparently it is a niche fetish that is on the Internet. Again I don't want to name the site because I REFUSE to give them a plug on a Christian forum, but on this site one can even buy "portfolios of models" posed as food. They call it "gynophagia".

 

[worriedmommie]

Keep you and your son safe - this is completely sick and anyone telling you to try to reconcile and "give him another chance" is enabling his perversion and putting you and your son in direct danger. Get away no matter what he says he'll do (regardless of "good", like "I'll go to a counselor, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again", and "bad" like "come back or I'll kill you"). There are anonymous women's shelters in your town - find them and go. Start a new life, while you still can. You aren't completely safe if he knows where you are. You owe that to your son and to you.

For now I am staying with his sister and her husband. They have been very good to us despite the bad blood in the past.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes, I did save it all.

That is good. The pastor (of whatever church he attends) needs to be aware of it as well. Do that as soon as you possibly can.

 

[worriedmommie]

That is good. The pastor (of whatever church he attends) needs to be aware of it as well. Do that as soon as you possibly can.

I don't know about the ethics of a public shaming. I really need to pray about that first. If you ask me if I believe he really would hurt some one physically, I say no. To me this is more about the betrayal.

 

[Endeavourer]

I really do not know what to do. When I confronted him he tried to flip this onto me by saying that this is just a form of extreme bondage and can be very sensual. .

He is minimizing and excusing fantasies about your death, dismemberment and eating you.

Worried Mommie, this is NOT a safe partner for you. Even if he would become very repentant about having those desires, he still has them. If it were me, I'd never be alone with him again and would consider a restraining order if he does not respect your need to stay away from him.

His parents think that I am judging their son too hard.

So exposure of his addiction did nothing because the targets support his addiction - which is clearly at your expense! This is another very ominous indicator for your future with him. He has no desire to change and his social network supports his addiction anyway.

I would not consider a future with this person and would take swift steps to initiate legal protections for your finances, etc.

 

[Dave-W]

I don't know about the ethics of a public shaming. I really need to pray about that first. If you ask me if I believe he really would hurt some one physically, I say no. To me this is more about the betrayal.

Here are the ethics:

Matt 18. 15 “If your brother [husband] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

You have already confronted him in private. The pastor can be the other witness. The command is clear - "tell it to the church."

God is more concerned with getting people cleaned up and out of sin than whether they get shamed or not.

 

[Endeavourer]

That is good. The pastor (of whatever church he attends) needs to be aware of it as well. Do that as soon as you possibly can.

I don't know about the ethics of a public shaming. I really need to pray about that first. If you ask me if I believe he really would hurt some one physically, I say no. To me this is more about the betrayal.

Worried mommie, this is not a public shaming. This is telling his pastor so other women can be in a safe environment.

The idea that exposing a danger is a "public shaming" has harmed MANY innocent people. You especially find this in churches, and sadly as a result, perpetrators continue to perpetrate. I personally know of a situation where a child molester was not reported and continued to molest ruining additional lives that should never have been ruined.

If I were a woman in his church, I'd want safeguards to be in place so I was not alone with him.

 

[Endeavourer]

Here are the ethics:

Matt 18. 15 “If your brother [husband] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Yep.

You've already confronted him privately, and he excused it as a sensual pleasure - no repentance.

You've already involved two witnesses (his parents) and they sided with him and minimized it.

Next step is the church.

I wish I could award Dave's-W's post ten winner trophies.

 

[Dave-W]

Worried mommie, this is not a public shaming. This is telling his pastor so other women can be in a safe environment.

Absolutely.

The idea that exposing a danger is a "public shaming" has harmed MANY innocent people. You especially find this in churches, and sadly as a result, perpetrators continue to perpetrate.

Indeed. "Forgive and forget" is the mantra chanted. "He has asked God's forgiveness so everything is alright." That is a load of !@#$%^&*.

Overcoming something like that takes time - a LOT of time. Until that has been accomplished, no one is safe around him. But usually it never happens.

 

[Dave-W]

I wish I could award Dave's-W's post ten winner trophies.

Thank you!

 

[Endeavourer]

To me this is more about the betrayal.

Yes, we completely understand this component of it, even though we are focusing for a moment on immediate next steps.

Although, in this case, I suppose, you can be grateful he betrayed you in his fantasies instead of that he focused his fantasies on you!

You'll have the emotional pain and processing that all other betrayed spouses have to work through. That will take time but I hope that in time you embrace that option when you consider the other. As you said, you didn't know him.

Better to now finally know him that spend many more years in un-blissful ignorance as you support him while he stays home, unproductive, to feed his addiction - which is to your danger and detriment.

 

[worriedmommie]

Yep.

You've already confronted him privately, and he excused it as a sensual pleasure - no repentance.

You've already involved two witnesses (his parents) and they sided with him and minimized it.

Next step is the church.

I wish I could award Dave's-W's post ten winner trophies.

That's actually a very good point. But in the end what can and should be done? Nothing illegal had happened. Would it be right or wrong for me to separate from him over this? If I were to remarry would I be an adulterer?

 

[worriedmommie]

Yep.

You've already confronted him privately, and he excused it as a sensual pleasure - no repentance.

You've already involved two witnesses (his parents) and they sided with him and minimized it.

Next step is the church.

I wish I could award Dave's-W's post ten winner trophies.

That's actually a very good point. But in the end what can and should be done? Nothing illegal had happened. Would it be right or wrong for me to separate from him over this? If I were to remarry would I be an adulterer?

 

[Endeavourer]

That's actually a very good point. But in the end what can and should be done? Nothing illegal had happened. Would it be right or wrong for me to separate from him over this? If I were to remarry would I be an adulterer?

It is my conviction that a porn addiction that has been pursued to the extent his has (nearly full time!) is sexual infidelity and grounds for divorce. You even mentioned how betrayed you felt. No kidding - his sexual infidelity betrayed you.

It is my conviction that all of the sexual images in his mind that do not include you, or if they do, are in grotesque forms, will seriously interfere with your marriage bed for potentially the rest of your marriage. This is also a component justifying the classification of this as sexual infidelity. He destroyed your sexual union with his extra-marital sexual activities.

It is my conviction it would not only be right, but would be prudent for you to separate from him.

It is my conviction that if you ever considered getting back together, he should:
a) prove complete abstinence from his addiction for at least a year where you have digital access to his computer and devices (a web watching program),
b) prove he can maintain gainful employment for at least a year (as part of proving he is not spending time on his addiction),
c) express a deep and sincere repentance and remorse for hurting you and betraying you and
d) has shown for a period of at least a year that he is willing to make it up to you by being a different person.

We all have to exercise our own consciences within the liberty we receive in Christ; if you would like to follow the advice offered but are concerned that any of my convictions are not Biblical I'd be happy to discuss with you what grounds I use for each of them.