- Apr 28, 2017
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I posted for the first time on this thread several months ago and now I need advice on something that builds off of my previous post. So I will quote my first post and then add my more recent experience. I would really love to get past this, so anyone who has dealt with something similar and experienced healing that might have some words of encouragement or wisdom, I would be extremely grateful.
My first post: "We have been married for five years. He just recently came to me and told me that he cheated on me when we were dating. The person he cheated with is someone we have seen at multiple events and even gone to dinner with since being married. He would rake me over the coals if I even talked to other guys while we dated, something that eventually made me lose any male friends going in to marriage. The time in which he cheated was one of the hardest times of my life and he was the only person who was "there" for me. And now I realize that I actually had no one, at all (besides God, but at the time I was not at a place to recognize this). I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed, knowing that he's kept that from me for over six years now. And knowing that if he had told me back then, we would not be together today. It would have changed the course of my life... Not saying that I don't love my life now or anything, we have a beautiful little family. But, our marriage has not thrived since the first few months. And now, I feel more alone in our marriage than ever. He has asked for forgiveness and obviously feels awful about all of it. But I don't know how to move past it. I was a virgin, he was even my first kiss. And he'd been with many many girls. I think that is part of what makes this so difficult. I am having a hard time letting this go and truly forgiving him. Any suggestions for things that could help?"
The development: About a month or so after that first post, a dear friend of mine told me that she needed to talk to me about something that was weighing heavy on her. I thought it was about her own marriage because her and her husband had been going through some stuff. I called my husband to see if he could watch the kids so that I could meet with her. He then says, "I know what she wants to talk to you about." He proceeded to tell me that about a year prior to this conversation, he and a few friends (the husband of the girl I was going to meet with being one of them) went to a baseball game, had a bit to drink and then ended up at a strip club. My husband had NEVER been to one before. And now that we are five years into marriage (four then) he decided to experience that? Well, it gets worse... he confesses that he had a lap dance. Then later tells me it was one dance on the floor and then 25 minutes of it in one of those corner booth things with a curtain (I have never been to one so I really don't even know what that means or how it's set up). And I call my friend back and she's crying and tells me that there's more and that (according to her husband) he had come out bragging about getting more than a lap dance (I'm not going to go into detail). I call my husband back and confronted him and he denied that part completely. He remembered bragging, but said that he was just trying to sound cool. He said all of this through sobs, and saying he knows how stupid it was. He's devastated that I know, I'm devastated that I don't even know my husband - he's been lying for an entire year about that night. I was pregnant the night that it happened, sitting at home with our sleeping daughter, worried to death about him.
That night was a mistake, I get that. He'd never done something like that before and swears he never would again. He has been extremely broken and humble about it. He hates himself for it. But, as hard as it is to get those images of a woman with my husband out of my head, the most difficult part is getting past the year of lies. Every time I would come to him with something I was struggling with in our relationship... he made me feel like it was in my head, that my expectations or standards were too high. And now I realize the whole time he just had a guilty conscience and took it out me any time there was conflict.
I can move on past that night. But the whole year of lying, me not knowing what was wrong with our marriage and thinking it was my fault... all the memories with our little family and our precious kids now feel tainted.
Obviously, there are many many details that I have not included, it would take a book to say everything... but this is the extremely abbreviated version.
It's been three months since I found out and I am still so broken about it. I don't trust him like I used to. I'm terrified of something happening again even though he tells me everything now. He doesn't have any form of social media, he is extremely accountable and reminds me on the difficult days that it will never happen again. But I'm still terrified. We got counseling for a few weeks, but I don't know how to get past this part.
My first post: "We have been married for five years. He just recently came to me and told me that he cheated on me when we were dating. The person he cheated with is someone we have seen at multiple events and even gone to dinner with since being married. He would rake me over the coals if I even talked to other guys while we dated, something that eventually made me lose any male friends going in to marriage. The time in which he cheated was one of the hardest times of my life and he was the only person who was "there" for me. And now I realize that I actually had no one, at all (besides God, but at the time I was not at a place to recognize this). I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed, knowing that he's kept that from me for over six years now. And knowing that if he had told me back then, we would not be together today. It would have changed the course of my life... Not saying that I don't love my life now or anything, we have a beautiful little family. But, our marriage has not thrived since the first few months. And now, I feel more alone in our marriage than ever. He has asked for forgiveness and obviously feels awful about all of it. But I don't know how to move past it. I was a virgin, he was even my first kiss. And he'd been with many many girls. I think that is part of what makes this so difficult. I am having a hard time letting this go and truly forgiving him. Any suggestions for things that could help?"
The development: About a month or so after that first post, a dear friend of mine told me that she needed to talk to me about something that was weighing heavy on her. I thought it was about her own marriage because her and her husband had been going through some stuff. I called my husband to see if he could watch the kids so that I could meet with her. He then says, "I know what she wants to talk to you about." He proceeded to tell me that about a year prior to this conversation, he and a few friends (the husband of the girl I was going to meet with being one of them) went to a baseball game, had a bit to drink and then ended up at a strip club. My husband had NEVER been to one before. And now that we are five years into marriage (four then) he decided to experience that? Well, it gets worse... he confesses that he had a lap dance. Then later tells me it was one dance on the floor and then 25 minutes of it in one of those corner booth things with a curtain (I have never been to one so I really don't even know what that means or how it's set up). And I call my friend back and she's crying and tells me that there's more and that (according to her husband) he had come out bragging about getting more than a lap dance (I'm not going to go into detail). I call my husband back and confronted him and he denied that part completely. He remembered bragging, but said that he was just trying to sound cool. He said all of this through sobs, and saying he knows how stupid it was. He's devastated that I know, I'm devastated that I don't even know my husband - he's been lying for an entire year about that night. I was pregnant the night that it happened, sitting at home with our sleeping daughter, worried to death about him.
That night was a mistake, I get that. He'd never done something like that before and swears he never would again. He has been extremely broken and humble about it. He hates himself for it. But, as hard as it is to get those images of a woman with my husband out of my head, the most difficult part is getting past the year of lies. Every time I would come to him with something I was struggling with in our relationship... he made me feel like it was in my head, that my expectations or standards were too high. And now I realize the whole time he just had a guilty conscience and took it out me any time there was conflict.
I can move on past that night. But the whole year of lying, me not knowing what was wrong with our marriage and thinking it was my fault... all the memories with our little family and our precious kids now feel tainted.
Obviously, there are many many details that I have not included, it would take a book to say everything... but this is the extremely abbreviated version.
It's been three months since I found out and I am still so broken about it. I don't trust him like I used to. I'm terrified of something happening again even though he tells me everything now. He doesn't have any form of social media, he is extremely accountable and reminds me on the difficult days that it will never happen again. But I'm still terrified. We got counseling for a few weeks, but I don't know how to get past this part.
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