Single mom

[sparkydave]

A friend of mine, one of my fraternity brothers, re-introduced me to a lady we knew in college. He invited her to a game night I was having at my house one night, and I remembered her name. She seems nice, and she invited my friend and me to a little house warming party at her new house. She's going through a divorce and has two boys.

Since then, she seems to be taking an interest in me. She was asking about a play I'm rehearsing for, and she says she would like to come see it. I thought it was interesting that LinkedIn e-mailed me to tell me that she had checked out my LinkedIn profile. I actually had to laugh a little when my friend told me she was afraid she had offended me with a flirty joke she made at her party, but he assured her (correctly) that he's pretty sure I got a laugh and took it in stride. Normally, I'd be the one being nervous about offending her, so maybe we're more alike than I would have guessed.

Strange, I would normally be thinking "stalker" or running for the hills, but she doesn't seem like that. I hadn't really thought about dating much lately, so maybe there's some truth to the notion they come along when you're not looking. Even my friend, whom I've known since college, hinted that I ought to get to know her. I don't have much experience with kids, other than my nieces, but her having two kids doesn't seem to scare me (yet ).

 

[dayhiker]

well, take it slow and get to know her. I would want to hear her story about why she is divorced before date 5 say.

 

[blackribbon]

A friend of mine, one of my fraternity brothers, re-introduced me to a lady we knew in college. He invited her to a game night I was having at my house one night, and I remembered her name. She seems nice, and she invited my friend and me to a little house warming party at her new house. She's going through a divorce and has two boys.

Since then, she seems to be taking an interest in me. She was asking about a play I'm rehearsing for, and she says she would like to come see it. I thought it was interesting that LinkedIn e-mailed me to tell me that she had checked out my LinkedIn profile. I actually had to laugh a little when my friend told me she was afraid she had offended me with a flirty joke she made at her party, but he assured her (correctly) that he's pretty sure I got a laugh and took it in stride. Normally, I'd be the one being nervous about offending her, so maybe we're more alike than I would have guessed.

Strange, I would normally be thinking "stalker" or running for the hills, but she doesn't seem like that. I hadn't really thought about dating much lately, so maybe there's some truth to the notion they come along when you're not looking. Even my friend, whom I've known since college, hinted that I ought to get to know her. I don't have much experience with kids, other than my nieces, but her having two kids doesn't seem to scare me (yet ).

Moms really aren't that scary of beings most of the time. The kids have a dad already, first you need to decide if you are interested in the lady as a person/woman. Then you can see if you can live with her parenting style (because in the end, she still is the mom and they still do have a dad). Don't include the kids too soon...because if it doesn't work out, they end up being collateral damage.

I hope it works out well for you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

OK wait, so because she decided to check out your linkedin profile, you would normally automatically think stalker?
From a female standpoint, I would check someone out to make sure THEY weren't a stalker or worse.
And the kid thing....worry about that later. I was worried about getting involved with my husband because he was just recently separated and had 3 kids and I had none. We ended up being married for almost 25 years and had 2 kids together. The step kids were challenging at times but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

[Messy]

well, take it slow and get to know her. I would want to hear her story about why she is divorced before date 5 say.

Yes. She's going through a divorce. People sometimes rebound, watch out with that. I met someone else in no time but I thought I was over the first one and it turned out I wasn't. It took 3 or 4 years before I was over him.

 

[dayhiker]

I understand that Messy. Some take a short time, so take a longer time. My Ex was married before a year had past. I'm still not ready to get married. Don't know that I'll ever get the government involved in my personal life that way again.

 

[quietpraiyze]

A friend of mine, one of my fraternity brothers, re-introduced me to a lady we knew in college. He invited her to a game night I was having at my house one night, and I remembered her name. She seems nice, and she invited my friend and me to a little house warming party at her new house. She's going through a divorce and has two boys.

Since then, she seems to be taking an interest in me. She was asking about a play I'm rehearsing for, and she says she would like to come see it. I thought it was interesting that LinkedIn e-mailed me to tell me that she had checked out my LinkedIn profile. I actually had to laugh a little when my friend told me she was afraid she had offended me with a flirty joke she made at her party, but he assured her (correctly) that he's pretty sure I got a laugh and took it in stride. Normally, I'd be the one being nervous about offending her, so maybe we're more alike than I would have guessed.

Strange, I would normally be thinking "stalker" or running for the hills, but she doesn't seem like that. I hadn't really thought about dating much lately, so maybe there's some truth to the notion they come along when you're not looking. Even my friend, whom I've known since college, hinted that I ought to get to know her. I don't have much experience with kids, other than my nieces, but her having two kids doesn't seem to scare me (yet ).

While I think it's important that she's a single parent what caught my attention is that she's going through a divorce. She's not divorced yet. I think that would slows some things down. The most she can be is a potential friend. That's a good thing though, until you get some answers and better understand what's what with her. I think it's interesting that she looked you up on LinkedIn too. What about you professionally was she looking for that she couldn't ask you? Sounds like your friend knows “something”. Did you ask your friend why he thought you should get to know her? If not maybe you should. It helps to have as much information as you can since it seems like she's pursuing you. Remember some of what you've shared here (Christian, College educated professional, homeowner, no children, actor/likes the arts, social, etc.) would be appealing to most women so God be with you brother ​

 

[GQ Chris]

If she's going through a divorce, of course she will need a Man to comfort her. Do your duty.

 

[sparkydave]

Thanks all, I appreciate it. She invited me to come along with her and my fraternity brother to the big amusement park Saturday, and we had a great time, even when we we spent 3 hours in line for the roller coaster. We asked lots of questions, shared some college stories, and found we have a similar sense of humor. She shared some about her divorce and asked about my divorce. I got a nice message saying she had a great time and indicated she'd like to spend more time together. Good thing, since she's still wanting to see the play I'm in.

Sounds like she's certainly interested in being friends at least, and she doesn't strike me as being desperate. Seems like a genuinely nice person, and I'd certainly like to spend more time getting to know more about her.

 

[miss-a]

Good for you, sparkydave. It's nice to hear things seem to be working out.

 

[sparkydave]

Just a little update, she and my fraternity brother came over last weekend to watch a video of a play I directed, and as he was getting to leave, she asked about a movie I had promised to show her, so we watched it together.

Last night was our first official date. I took her out to dinner, and she came to see the play I was in. We didn't run out of things to talk about, and she was the first to mention the word "date". When I dropped her off at her house, we chatted in my car for a few minutes, and it sounds like there are certainly more dates to come .

 

[dayhiker]

Sounds like a good date dave.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yay for that sparkydave

 

[AirForceTeacher]

 

[sparkydave]

Anybody have some words of wisdom on dating someone with kids? We've been talking a lot and seeing more of each other. We've shared our sad stories, and we've agreed that we want to pursue this and see where it leads. She's told me some about her two boys (9 and 11), so I know a little about them.

I certainly don't want to interfere with the relationship the kids have with their dad, and I leave it in her hands as to if and when she thinks it's getting serious enough to introduce them. I just don't have much experience with children, other than my nieces. I guess my biggest fear is that they'll see me as the "intruder" and they'll hate me. Obviously we'll have to talk more about them at some point, but I trust her judgement.

My dad married my mom when my older sister was 6, but it was a little different situation since mom's first husband died. Growing up, there was no "you're not my real dad" from my sister, and I didn't even realize our dad was her stepdad until I was about 14.

 

[dayhiker]

That's a good question, I've not had to deal with that situation.
Clearly you have already hears some of the story I've heard.

I guess I'd say be yourself, treat the kids with respect. respect their dad and build a relationship with the kids just like you are doing with their mom.

 

[Messy]

Anybody have some words of wisdom on dating someone with kids? We've been talking a lot and seeing more of each other. We've shared our sad stories, and we've agreed that we want to pursue this and see where it leads. She's told me some about her two boys (9 and 11), so I know a little about them.

I certainly don't want to interfere with the relationship the kids have with their dad, and I leave it in her hands as to if and when she thinks it's getting serious enough to introduce them. I just don't have much experience with children, other than my nieces. I guess my biggest fear is that they'll see me as the "intruder" and they'll hate me. Obviously we'll have to talk more about them at some point, but I trust her judgement.

My dad married my mom when my older sister was 6, but it was a little different situation since mom's first husband died. Growing up, there was no "you're not my real dad" from my sister, and I didn't even realize our dad was her stepdad until I was about 14.

They have a dad. Just be the friendly uncle. If my ex has someone my kids call her aunt (they're Indonesian, they call everybody aunt) and my ex they first called uncle. It was a pity he didn't like to play with them, because they really liked that the few times he did, but luckily they have my brother. They never saw him or her as an intruder. They're not teenagers, teenagers sometimes have problems with it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I am a step mom. When I came on the scene their mom had run off with her boyfriend and left the kids at a babysitter and a note for my husband when he got off work.
The girls were almost 3 and 5 years old.

At first there were no issues but later when they got older, it would appear that their mother had verbalized things to them and even told my husband that he could see the girls but they could not call me "mom". I wouldn't have wanted them to call me that anyway and I never wanted to take their mom's place. But the younger one would say "I'm going to go home to MY mom" and I would reply "that's fine do you want to go RIGHT NOW?" So it didn't last very long but what I told the girls is that I don't want to take your mom's place in your heart. If I can't have my own place, I don't want any place. Now their mom and dad are both gone and I am still here for them.
I would advise when it gets super serious that you never interfere in her disciplining the kids. It's not your job and they aren't your kids. Always support her decisions in front of the kids. If you disagree you can discuss it with her privately. Don't tell the kids what to do, just try to be a friend and let them know you aren't moving in on dad's spot but you care very much for their mother.

 

[blackribbon]

I'd minimize contact for now because if they get attached and you don't work out, you turn out to be one more male who walks out of their lives. That doesn't mean you don't meet them...but no "bonding" stuff yet.

You might start looking for books on step-parenting if you do start to get serious...because that would be a stepping stone for the two of you to discuss how you are going to handle issues.

I'd also avoid being the disciplinarian for now and for a long while...they are her kids, she needs to be the one to be tough on them, not you. You need to be building a trust relationship for a long time.

As for "how"...you were once a little boy...you can figure this out if you look at it from that viewpoint.

 

[sparkydave]

Many thanks, good stuff to know. We'll see how it goes and cross that bridge when we come to it. She drops little facts about her boys, and it's nice learning about them as well as her.