Oh really? Not for long...
David Teiche once asked "has your three-year-old daughter woken up in the middle of the night oh, say around 3:45 am and then come into your room where she attempts to climb into the reclining chair in your room (where she plans on sleeping the rest of the night) only while climbing up onto the chair, she slips and hits the metal table next to the recliner in *just* the wrong place that sensitive area right under the nose and right above your lip so she starts crying, but you are a deep sleeper and your wife isnt really, so you sort of stir but arent too worried because you dont know that shes hit her face on the metal table and also because, hey, your wife has got this but then you hear your wife say, Shes bleeding! and then youre wide-awake because you are concerned, not only about your daughters well-being but because youre unsure if blood easily comes out of microfiber, so you get up and the bathroom light turns on and your wife is sitting down with your daughter and blood is just pouring out of her little nose, and its kind of scary because the washcloth is filling up with blood and theres blood running down your daughters arm, and shes freaking out because it hurts and your wife is starting to freak out because she doesnt know how this even happened and its an awful lot of blood and in your head you start to think, Is this a normal amount of blood for a three-year-old to lose from a bloody nose but then you remember from your 9th grade health class that you have to apply pressure on the nose to get the bleeding to stop, and so you helpfully begin to say, We should apply pressure but then your wife looks at you and says, Im starting to black out and you say, What? and then she doesnt respond, so you take your daughter off her lap and grab your wifes shoulder and arm, and say, again, What? but she doesnt respond and you let go of your wifes arm and her entire body just goes limp and crashes backwards into the shower door and vanity, not like shes trying to rest or lean back for support, but like shes lost consciousness because she has and you pull her forward and try to get her off the closed toilet seat, but shes unconscious and is actually really heavy because its dead weight (not because shes heavy, mind you!) and you drag her out of the bathroom and lie her face down, but she starts twitching and her breathing seems to stop, and shes only taking erratic, short breaths, and this freaks you out so you think that the best way to stop freaking out is to get your wife to wake up so you start yelling her name because you have a loud voice probably the loudest voice of anyone you know so if theres anyone who can pull someone out of unconsciousness by sheer volume, its you, so you start yelling your wifes name, along with helpful instructions like, Wake up but its not working, and your daughter is standing there holding a washcloth which is now entirely drenched in blood, and shes shaking and you start to worry about her now and questions start racing through your head like, Is she shaking because shes cold? and then you think Or is she shaking because shes scared? and then you think Or is she shaking because shes lost too much blood and now shes going to faint, too? and you feel this wave of something start to come over you and you think My wife isnt responding to anything Im doing and its been a few minutes and her breathing is really weird and I cant get her to wake up and this isnt normal and Im actually kind of scared right now and so you run out into the kitchen and grab your phone and call 9/11 and as its connecting you think about a guy from your church that you know pretty well who is a dispatcher for 9/11 and you wonder if youll hear his voice, but its a woman, and she takes your info, and says the ambulance is on the way and while youre on the line, she tells you to turn your wife on her back, which you do, but its tough because shes heavy, mainly because its dead weight, not mind you because she weighs a lot (no!) and in the time it took to simply flip your wife over, you hear the ambulance rumbling outside and you think to yourself, That was less than a minute, but your sense of time is all screwed up, so maybe it was 2 minutes, but it sure didnt seem much more than that, and you run outside and wave your arms like youre on an island and theyre in a helicopter search and rescue party, which is silly, but youre not responding super well to the pressure and the guy yells from the ambulance, We see you but he says this with just a hint of so you can stop that now which sort of hurts your feelings but you dont have time for that now, so you run back inside and your daughter is kneeling down by her mommy and saying, I love you so much, over and over and your wife is still unconscious and you stare at her stomach to make sure its moving and it sort of is every few seconds, sporadically and then suddenly 6 huge guys with big boots and yellow pants and red suspenders come in and one of them, who is easily 65″ starts asking you whats going on, and his calmness is contagious and you hear the other guys working on your wife as she lays half in the hallway and half in the bathroom and the big tall 65″ guy gets down on one knee and starts talking to your daughter, and youd think shed be scared, but she laughs at him and say, Youre nice and you show the fireman the bloody washcloth and he calmly looks at you and says, Yeah, noses can bleed a lot and you say, This much and he again, so calmly says, Yes and suddenly you feel like everything is normal (or will be normal soon) so you turn your attention to the bathroom, where your wife is now hooked up to some machines and these giant men maybe they seem giant to me because of their boots? are saying things in firm but kind voices, things like, Were trying to help you, maam, you need to help us. Now can you sit up? And one of them says, Blood pressure is normal and the other responds to him and your wife sits up a little and says, Why was she bleeding and for the first time in 8 minutes, your wife responds in a sentence and you realize shes regained consciousness and she starts rubbing her eyes and you assure her that your daughter is okay, and then the fireman says, We need you to stand up, and if you cant stand up were going to have to take you to the hospital and so your wife slowly stands to her feet, and you see that her pajama top is dotted with little baby girl hand prints of dark red blood, like a macabre pre-school art project and the men check your wifes vitals again and ask her questions again, and then say something to themselves, and begin packing up their things because everything has stabilized and these are men who deal with emergencies and so they begin to file out of the house back to their giant machines and your wife is now talking normally and asking what happened, and your daughter is changing out of her blood-stained pajamas and washing off her face and as you walk out to your front sidewalk, you yell a thank you to the men, who dont turn around, because they are men who deal with emergencies, and the super tall 65″ fireman the calm, kind one who calmed you and your daughter down says, No problem and they shut their doors and the machines begin to rumble off and then you walk inside, close the door, and for the first time, you realize youre sweating and that your heart is still racing, but everything is okay, and your wife and daughter are calming down and getting ready to climb back into bed and you have the fleeting thought you just cost your city and neighbors probably a few thousand dollars and you feel a little guilty about that, but more than anything you feel grateful that everyone is okay and bummed that your son somehow slept through the whole thing because he would have loved seeing the firemen."
Bam. Suck it, Teiche. The record is now mine.