I've been told that I have a ministerial gift for "people". Although I'm not the 'popular girl' either in church or out, and I'm in nobody's 'inner circle', I find myself not infrequently consoling people and offering them advice. This carries relational risks and I take them: I've never been popular; I don't expect people to like my advice, but I do strive to make it honest, truthful, and what they might find if they turned to the Bible for answers (and the Bible is no respecter of people's egos!).
Now the issue is that there are about 3 individuals whom I have known as friends, whom I suspect have been emotionally damaged in some way, and they all lash out at me in the same way when they reveal things to me and I try to help them. I'm trying to understand them so that I can know how to interact with them and try to bring healing to them. There is one with whom I interact still; I met them all in different places and have moved into a totally different part of the country now.
Could someone help me identify their condition?
They tend to be very clingy and accept me as their bosom chum, and then I'll say something (usually a word of advice, or a comment about something meant for their good or for someone else's), and then they'll suddenly get extremely offended. Not offended in the sense that an awkward look crosses their face (and I die a little inside) and then vanishes, and then things turn a little frostier for a while. That's what I'd consider normal for a healthy twenty-something, and one whose patience and forbearance in love - in this case with a well-meaning twenty-something like myself whose ability to exercise discretion is still in the making - perhaps has a little growing of its own to do. Nobody's perfect; I don't pretend to be. I just know when my heart - or my head - aches for someone's situation, and it hurts me not to tell them what I know to be true. It's like watching a character in a film who's about to walk off a cliff or touch a live electric wire, and you want to shout at the screen, "Don't do it!"
No; by offended, I mean, offended in the sense that they actually start protesting in a resentful or aggressive tone, and when I try to explain what I meant, and that it was only because I cared for their good, I get accusatory labels slapped on me that I'm shamed into accepting even though I really meant to help them, because I ached for them. If I try to protest that I care about them and mean to help them, they present reasons why I must be lying. It is possible to go from being someone's best friend to the devil incarnate in the space of a single conversation. One person presented a load of extracts from past conversations I'd had with her that she'd memorized and assorted and slanted in such a way as to 'prove' to me that I had really meant to be malicious!
People who have done this have tended to have had emotionally scarred pasts, at least by their own evaluations. I think I have met three so far. They have always seemed vulnerable, emotionally volatile, and by the time I've got round to them they have been involved in conflicts with people which have led to them being marginalized or gossipped about by them and sometimes also the social circles associated with them. Certainly, they seem very sure of whom their enemies are, and they seem very anxious to evade certain individuals either in person or in conversation. They are untrusting, secretive, quick to judge, grudge-bearers and they tend to have a bleak outlook on life, and needless to say, they will not accept rebukes meant in love in spite of being some of the harshest critics of others. They seem to always be glancing anxiously over their shoulder. In spite of this, they have tendencies to get very excitable about things and can be very fun to be around when in a good mood and when the thing they are excitable about is something relatively superficial; they are capricious and clingy and make outward displays of affection; they're touchy-feely and call you pet names, etc. They are magnetic and likeable. One of them had serious self-harm issues, bulimia and had been hospitalized for her suicide attempts - I didn't get close enough to the others to find out if they had any history of these things.
On my part, I feel a pastoral need to be honest with people who open themselves up to me. When people present their issues and lives to me, I'm going to listen and offer suggestions, and it would hurt my conscience if the advice I gave them were the same flattering, ego-boosting tripe that others give; the sort of advice that really only convinces someone that they're right, rather than helping them to appreciate the truth of the matter, and untangle the knot of wrongdoings that's obscuring it, and encouraging them to do the right thing in response. Scripture and its wisdom aren't meant to tickle your ears; The Word of God is a sword, and it cuts deep. I know that it can be hard to for people to accept that they are capable of being both the wronged and the wronger, and I know it can make people frostier towards you when you try and make them understand their situation, when the real picture of a dispute or a problem is seldom flattering for anyone involved. Frostiness is sometimes the price you pay, and I'm prepared to pay it and to go on encouraging the people who confide in me to seek truth and wisdom, and to crucify the flesh and its desires when settling their disputes - especially its desire to be indisputably right (and do I try to be tactful about this, even if there is much room for improvement).
You can probably sense my own pain at all of this, but I want to know what's wrong with these people, because ultimately, my pain isn't what's most important here. We all make errors of tact and discretion, but Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christians don't usually react with aggression to impartial advice or rebuke, even when it's not delivered tactfully. Proverbs says that fools do that; and that for a wise person, an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. I really want to get to the bottom of this. I cannot simply brand these people as fools. What are these people suffering from, and how can I try to heal them, or at least avoid hurting them, whilst being a responsible sister in Christ? What is their condition?
Now the issue is that there are about 3 individuals whom I have known as friends, whom I suspect have been emotionally damaged in some way, and they all lash out at me in the same way when they reveal things to me and I try to help them. I'm trying to understand them so that I can know how to interact with them and try to bring healing to them. There is one with whom I interact still; I met them all in different places and have moved into a totally different part of the country now.
Could someone help me identify their condition?
They tend to be very clingy and accept me as their bosom chum, and then I'll say something (usually a word of advice, or a comment about something meant for their good or for someone else's), and then they'll suddenly get extremely offended. Not offended in the sense that an awkward look crosses their face (and I die a little inside) and then vanishes, and then things turn a little frostier for a while. That's what I'd consider normal for a healthy twenty-something, and one whose patience and forbearance in love - in this case with a well-meaning twenty-something like myself whose ability to exercise discretion is still in the making - perhaps has a little growing of its own to do. Nobody's perfect; I don't pretend to be. I just know when my heart - or my head - aches for someone's situation, and it hurts me not to tell them what I know to be true. It's like watching a character in a film who's about to walk off a cliff or touch a live electric wire, and you want to shout at the screen, "Don't do it!"
No; by offended, I mean, offended in the sense that they actually start protesting in a resentful or aggressive tone, and when I try to explain what I meant, and that it was only because I cared for their good, I get accusatory labels slapped on me that I'm shamed into accepting even though I really meant to help them, because I ached for them. If I try to protest that I care about them and mean to help them, they present reasons why I must be lying. It is possible to go from being someone's best friend to the devil incarnate in the space of a single conversation. One person presented a load of extracts from past conversations I'd had with her that she'd memorized and assorted and slanted in such a way as to 'prove' to me that I had really meant to be malicious!
People who have done this have tended to have had emotionally scarred pasts, at least by their own evaluations. I think I have met three so far. They have always seemed vulnerable, emotionally volatile, and by the time I've got round to them they have been involved in conflicts with people which have led to them being marginalized or gossipped about by them and sometimes also the social circles associated with them. Certainly, they seem very sure of whom their enemies are, and they seem very anxious to evade certain individuals either in person or in conversation. They are untrusting, secretive, quick to judge, grudge-bearers and they tend to have a bleak outlook on life, and needless to say, they will not accept rebukes meant in love in spite of being some of the harshest critics of others. They seem to always be glancing anxiously over their shoulder. In spite of this, they have tendencies to get very excitable about things and can be very fun to be around when in a good mood and when the thing they are excitable about is something relatively superficial; they are capricious and clingy and make outward displays of affection; they're touchy-feely and call you pet names, etc. They are magnetic and likeable. One of them had serious self-harm issues, bulimia and had been hospitalized for her suicide attempts - I didn't get close enough to the others to find out if they had any history of these things.
On my part, I feel a pastoral need to be honest with people who open themselves up to me. When people present their issues and lives to me, I'm going to listen and offer suggestions, and it would hurt my conscience if the advice I gave them were the same flattering, ego-boosting tripe that others give; the sort of advice that really only convinces someone that they're right, rather than helping them to appreciate the truth of the matter, and untangle the knot of wrongdoings that's obscuring it, and encouraging them to do the right thing in response. Scripture and its wisdom aren't meant to tickle your ears; The Word of God is a sword, and it cuts deep. I know that it can be hard to for people to accept that they are capable of being both the wronged and the wronger, and I know it can make people frostier towards you when you try and make them understand their situation, when the real picture of a dispute or a problem is seldom flattering for anyone involved. Frostiness is sometimes the price you pay, and I'm prepared to pay it and to go on encouraging the people who confide in me to seek truth and wisdom, and to crucify the flesh and its desires when settling their disputes - especially its desire to be indisputably right (and do I try to be tactful about this, even if there is much room for improvement).
You can probably sense my own pain at all of this, but I want to know what's wrong with these people, because ultimately, my pain isn't what's most important here. We all make errors of tact and discretion, but Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christians don't usually react with aggression to impartial advice or rebuke, even when it's not delivered tactfully. Proverbs says that fools do that; and that for a wise person, an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. I really want to get to the bottom of this. I cannot simply brand these people as fools. What are these people suffering from, and how can I try to heal them, or at least avoid hurting them, whilst being a responsible sister in Christ? What is their condition?
