Husband wants baby, but people think it's a bad idea

[caresforthebirds]

My husband is a man that was married a long time, then had his wife passed away. His first wife was sterile. Now I'm his second wife and he wants a baby, he really adores children to almost an extreme amount.

But everyone thinks it's a bad idea, even my minister. He's older and has chronic illnesses and they say I would end up a single mother. Also I take meds bad for pregnancy, and I have mental problems that run strong in my family and I'm told I could give them to my child.

Biologically, I was told by the doctor it was possible, he wants his own biological child, but how do I find out what the Lord wants me to do? I've been praying and everything but I have not found a clear answer except maybe I should listen to "wise counsel."

 

[WalksWithChrist]

My husband is a man that was married a long time, then had his wife passed away. His first wife was sterile. Now I'm his second wife and he wants a baby, he really adores children to almost an extreme amount.

But everyone thinks it's a bad idea, even my minister. He's older and has chronic illnesses and they say I would end up a single mother. Also I take meds bad for pregnancy, and I have mental problems that run strong in my family and I'm told I could give them to my child.

Biologically, I was told by the doctor it was possible, he wants his own biological child, but how do I find out what the Lord wants me to do? I've been praying and everything but I have not found a clear answer except maybe I should listen to "wise counsel."

What do *you* want to do?

 

[LinkH]

You guys are married. When God made man and woman, he told them to be fruitful and multiply.

 

[mkgal1]

"Fruitful" (and even "multiply") means more than having children. A couple can have no children and still be fruitful (and increase His kingdom).

IIRC.....Cares....you've asked this before....right? If motherhood (and most likely....single motherhood) isn't a desire of YOUR heart, I'd say not to get pregnant (especially at the risk of your own health and well-being).

 

[ValleyGal]

I can understand people's concerns. If you have to go off your meds during the pregnancy, what will that be like, combined with your hormonal changes that come along with every pregnancy? How will that affect the post-partum? What will happen if you are caring for your husband in addition to caring for a baby? How will you all be able to support yourselves? What if something happens to your husband and you do become a single parent? - it's really hard and lonely work; I was one for 18 years. That isn't to say it can't be done - I did it quite successfully, but that was without the complicating factors of a mental health issue and an ailing husband.

It seems like, from the sound of your posts, that your husband is more interested in having a child than you are. If this is the case, don't have one because you would be the one to take care of child and you could become resentful as a result. If you are not 100% excited to have your own baby in spite of the possibility of becoming a single parent and caregiver to a spouse, don't do it. Imo, there are a lot of risks involved.

 

[KWCrazy]

I would have thought that this discussion would have happened before marriage, but now that you're married if you wish to give your husband the child he never had then you absolutely have that right. While it's true that sickness or negative traits can be passed down, it's not an absolute certainty. Pray about it, put your trust in God, and what God makes strong no man can make weak.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Going against the grain here. I don't know how old you husband is and what his medical conditions are. If they are so grave that he cannot be a suitable father to a child, then follow whatever direction seems best.
I'm 45 right now and in my first marriage. We are not able to have children, although my wife has a son who is 20. I try the best I can to be a good role model to him, sometimes I succeed, sometimes, ehh...

The point is that I didn't have children of my own. I lost a child in a previous relationship. I was not married to this lady. Even so, it hurt me deeply at the time, and still does to a degree today. This child would have been about twelve years old this year. I genuinely miss the experience of being a father and would have given anything for it. Perhaps this is how your husband feels, and in spite of everyone saying it's a bad idea, it does not negate how he feels and his desires. This is every bit his decision as much as yours. I know my input may not be so popular and goes against the grain of what you've heard so far. But don't discount what he says. The desire to be a father can be very strong. Especially for those who are older and have not had that experience. I missed my opportunity. And while I have for the most part dealt with that loss, some days it's still tough.

Just some insights...
God bless

 

[FuzzyBunnySlippers]

It sounds like you have your answer.
If you love children you can't be selfish. It would be just that if you brought a child into the world given these conditions you've described about yourself and your husband.

My husband is a man that was married a long time, then had his wife passed away. His first wife was sterile. Now I'm his second wife and he wants a baby, he really adores children to almost an extreme amount.

But everyone thinks it's a bad idea, even my minister. He's older and has chronic illnesses and they say I would end up a single mother. Also I take meds bad for pregnancy, and I have mental problems that run strong in my family and I'm told I could give them to my child.

Biologically, I was told by the doctor it was possible, he wants his own biological child, but how do I find out what the Lord wants me to do? I've been praying and everything but I have not found a clear answer except maybe I should listen to "wise counsel."

 

[Audiomechanic]

You guys are married. When God made man and woman, he told them to be fruitful and multiply.

Yes, in Genesis....when there were two people on the planet.

Context man. Context.

Not every verse in the Bible is speaking to or about you or me today. Most, I would argue, are not. Including the verse you mentioned.

Context.

 

[Inkachu]

When "everyone" thinks something is a bad idea, including you (it seems), it's time to pay attention to what they're saying.

I'm sure you love your husband and want him to be happy and pleased with you. But those are NOT reasons to bring a child into the world, that most likely YOU will be raising largely on your own.

Don't do anything because you feel pressured or guilty. Again, NOT reasons to create a child.

You might discuss other ways in which he can interact with children and feel like he's contributing to the next generation. He could volunteer to read to kids at a local school or library. He could join the Foster Grandparent Program (not sure if it's called that in your area, you'd have to check with your local social service office). He could work with kids at church. You two could consider being foster parents; this would also be an excellent way to "weed out" concerns about becoming parents yourselves, as you would undergo some pretty close scrutiny as a couple.

FWIW my dad had me when he was 50 years old. And while he was in excellent health, by the time I was in high school, he was almost 70, and now I'm facing the fact that my dad has Alzheimer's and is in his final years (if not less) and I'm only in my 30's. My son will lose his grandpa, who means the world to him, way too soon. He's already "gone" from us mentally, for the most part. When I was a kid, my dad was so disconnected from my generation (since he'd grown up during the Great Depression) that he couldn't relate to me or my brother at all. He couldn't wrestle with us, he couldn't carry me around (I would beg him to put me up on his shoulders, and he didn't have the strength). And while I'm obviously thankful that I was born and I exist (!)... I would not recommend that people have children at this age. I think there can be exceptions, but it is not an easy road for the children and grandchildren, who wind up losing their parent/grandparent far too early in life.

 

[mkgal1]

You guys are married. When God made man and woman, he told them to be fruitful and multiply.

Yes, in Genesis....when there were two people on the planet.

Context man. Context.

Not every verse in the Bible is speaking to or about you or me today. Most, I would argue, are not. Including the verse you mentioned.

Context.

Exactly.

 

[Odetta]

I think you both need to be in independent agreement on this, if that makes any sense. Meaning, both spouses need to want it. Neither spouse should be pressured into having a child to make the other spouse happy. And I think the reasons you've been given by others as to why they think it's not a good idea need to be given serious consideration. (I, for one, can say that the passing on MI thing is definitely true in my case.) But ultimately, it's your decision to make - equally yours and your husbands.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yes, in Genesis....when there were two people on the planet.

Context man. Context.

Not every verse in the Bible is speaking to or about you or me today. Most, I would argue, are not. Including the verse you mentioned.

Context.

Exactly! Cherry picking never ends well if people are looking for answers.

I think you both need to be in independent agreement on this, if that makes any sense. Meaning, both spouses need to want it. Neither spouse should be pressured into having a child to make the other spouse happy. And I think the reasons you've been given by others as to why they think it's not a good idea need to be given serious consideration. (I, for one, can say that the passing on MI thing is definitely true in my case.) But ultimately, it's your decision to make - equally yours and your husbands.

Yep I agree. Its between you two. No one online can tell you what you must do. My and I want a child, but are not because of many factors like health, finances...etc. Its a hard, but wise choice to make. God wants us to think things through.

I see the pain of not having one as a trial. I know it hurt for awhile, but its hurting less now and I know God is happy we chose the right path. Sometimes a couple just doesn't get to have a child or can't. Its how life is sometimes. I trust in God no matter what. For all I know one day maybe our finances will be great and our health will better then we could have one.

 

[Avniel]

Having children is really the type of thing that two people should talk about. There is no way a person can tell you if you are ready or ever will be ready to have children. That's really private

 

[Autumnleaf]

You are married to your husband. Having children is the most natural thing in the world for married people. If you want to use unnatural means to avoid that, you can do that if you want.

 

[akmom]

I'm sorry, but I would not counsel someone to get off their psych meds.

I didn't read it as medical advice. I think it's a given that a person would work with their doctor to get weaned off medication and transition into some alternative therapy or support system for the pregnancy. She didn't actually tell the OP to go cold turkey and quit her medication on a whim.

The thing is, she said the medication she is on isn't recommended for pregnancy. In my opinion, it would be extremely irresponsible - even cruel - to knowingly subject a baby to chemicals that cause birth defects, addictions or developmental problems. The life prospects for the child can be very bleak, and raising them can require extreme patience and skill. It isn't fair to the child.

Yes, having kids is a personal decision. But we wouldn't recommend an alcoholic get pregnant (not while she was still using alcohol, anyway) even if she and her husband both wanted children. The fact that the OP is using medication she needs doesn't change the scenario, if the risks to the child are the same. Either she should attempt to get off the medication, with a doctor's guidance, or not get pregnant at all. And it's very possible that coping without that particular medication won't work for her after all. And then childbearing just wouldn't be on the table.

It really isn't a question about whether the couple should have children, but whether it's acceptable given the very real and serious risks in her particular situation.

 

[MessianicMommy]

I would suggest you talk to your psych and then with your primary care physician and OB/GYN *with* your husband and discuss your mental and physical health and HIS mental and physical health and see if it is medically a good idea or not. Depending on what his issues are, they could be hereditary and it might make the child's life a living hell. (it might not, and yay if not!)
There are certainly considerations with pregnancy and certain psychological medications. That would require talks with your primary care physician and psych of course. They will know what medicines are safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding, should you choose to take that route.

Really, other people's opinions outside of G-d's guidance and your doctors don't carry that much weight.

 

[Hetta]

I would suggest you talk to your psych and then with your primary care physician and OB/GYN *with* your husband and discuss your mental and physical health and HIS mental and physical health and see if it is medically a good idea or not. Depending on what his issues are, they could be hereditary and it might make the child's life a living hell. (it might not, and yay if not!)
There are certainly considerations with pregnancy and certain psychological medications. That would require talks with your primary care physician and psych of course. They will know what medicines are safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding, should you choose to take that route.

Really, other people's opinions outside of G-d's guidance and your doctors don't carry that much weight.

^^^ This. Excellent advice.

OP, please seek advice from fully qualified medical professionals. Lay people cannot possibly give you this kind of advice.

And PLEASE don't stop your meds without medical advice. *SMH*

 

[Andres88]

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[katautumn]

My husband is a man that was married a long time, then had his wife passed away. His first wife was sterile. Now I'm his second wife and he wants a baby, he really adores children to almost an extreme amount.

But everyone thinks it's a bad idea, even my minister. He's older and has chronic illnesses and they say I would end up a single mother. Also I take meds bad for pregnancy, and I have mental problems that run strong in my family and I'm told I could give them to my child.

Biologically, I was told by the doctor it was possible, he wants his own biological child, but how do I find out what the Lord wants me to do? I've been praying and everything but I have not found a clear answer except maybe I should listen to "wise counsel."

The Bible says that people fall when there is no guidance, but there is safety in a multitude of advisers. Yes, this is a decision that has to be made between you, your husband, and God. With that said, the godly counsel of others shouldn't be automatically discounted.

The biological urge to have children is strong in most people, but not every couple should have children due to various circumstances. You didn't say how old your husband is, only that he is older and has chronic illnesses. When my husband was born, his father was 59 years old and had cancer. He died when my husband was 5 years old. It caused a lot a problems for my husband growing up. His mother, being a single, young widow, made poor choices in a hurry to find a man to help support her. My husband grew up without the influence of a father. The older a man gets, the harder it is for him to keep up with children and that is with healthy older men. Your husband has medical issues.

You also say you have mental health problems that require medication and that can be hereditary. Are they severe enough that you would feel guilty passing those mental health problems on to a child? How dangerous is it for your mental health to come off your medication? How would you cope with pregnancy hormones and being off your medication? Does your physician feel it would be safe for you to come off of them?

Another factor to consider is I know you are caring for your husband, with his illness. Could you cope with caring for a child and a sick husband? It's not easy to be a parent and a caregiver to an adult. These are all things to consider. Being a parent is hard enough when your partner is able bodied and playing an active role in the child's life. It seems as if your husband would pretty much be stuck on the sidelines.

Having children is a blessing, no matter the circumstances, but there are situations in which bringing children into it would not only be difficult on the parents, but the children as well. Is there any way your husband could be involved with children in a meaningful way without having biological children of his own? Perhaps working with children at church?

No matter what you decide, I pray it would be through mutual consent and with the Lord's blessing. So long as you're seeking God's will, you can't go wrong.