More and More lazy stay at home wives

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[QueSeraSera]

You know I have known moms exactly as you describe. I would argue that the vast majority of stay at home moms are like that.

Your wife is NOT a SAHM . Period .She is not a "SAHW" either . She a working women married who become disabled and now you are calling her a "lazy stay at home wife" .

 

[QueSeraSera]

Oh so since she is a person at home due to injury, that's ok that she sits on the couch all day long even though the doctor said that was not good for her? Really?

Based on some of the other not so true only partly true statements you made I don't believe its that simple. Including I don't believe its "all day long" .

She is supposed to get a disability income that we are not getting and we are having to sue for.

So even you believe she is disabled ? You wouldn't sue the government for disability for someone who was not disabled would you ?

 

[QueSeraSera]

Or does disabled from being a nurse give you a free ticket to sit 12 to 14 hours a day on a couch then go to bed?

I don't know . I'm not her and I'm not in her body and I don't know how she feels .I'm certainly not in a position to judge . She is disabled by your own admission . I'm debilitatingly ill as we speak . Its temporary but has been a long couple of weeks. It depends on the moment or hour If I feel I can get up and do something "productive" or not . I am exhausted from the pain though it does't matter how much I sit .I'm in pain .The meds don't help . They are depressants . If someone called me "lazy" I would smack them in the face .

Its not a "fee ticket" . Your wife didn't just sit down one day and say "I want a free ticket" . She is injured. Whether you think she should be doing more by now or not .

Whats wrong with you ? You mean YOU cant manage to take care of your self and one more person in total health ?

 

[cerette]

I actually have thought about that on several occasions. But then I know she would pull the leaving again thing. I know its manipulation.

I actually took on descent amount of credit card debt from her when we got married and I am paying for her student loans as well. I have no problem doing any of this, if she contributed more to the relationship.

But I feel in many ways I am just here to serve her. I take her to the doctors, I run errands to the store to get her things. I do most of the stuff around the house and with the kids. There are some things she does, but very little.

My teenage sons have commented on it a few times why I do so much and she does so little. Many times I just make excuses for her like she is not feeling good or something. But that gets old when its every weekend when they are here.

Its something I really need to pray about.

You are enabling her behavior. As long as you keep paying for her expenses and debt, she will never see a reason to change her own behavior. I understand it must be hard to not pay for her food and what not, but maybe that is what she needs in order to see that she has to do her duties.

 

[QueSeraSera]

And that does not even address the fact that when she did work she did carry her weight at home either.

I guess I am used to 2 adults 3 kids .What "weight" is there to carry for 2 adults especially when one of the adults is out of the house 50 hours a week ?(I'm assuming you meant didn't).Our kids are older now and they are gone a lot and already its only a part time job for one person to do everything for everyone .(4 people) What "weight" did your wife not carry just the two of you when she was gone most the time ?

 

[QueSeraSera]

I still did the majority of the house, vast majority.

What is the VAST majority of keeping a house for 2 adults and one adult is not even there 50 hours a week ?

 

[QueSeraSera]

You are enabling her behavior. As long as you keep paying for her expenses and debt, she will never see a reason to change her own behavior. I understand it must be hard to not pay for her food and what not, but maybe that is what she needs in order to see that she has to do her duties.

Right that's a way to teach her ,her duties . She works 50 hours a week as a nurse .Gets injured in a car crash . While awaiting her disability to go through, cut off her off from food because she isn't chipping in enough around the house to take care of him .

This is a sad place ,I think I will go talk to other people.

She left once . I think she will leave again and stay gone .

 

[cerette]

Right that's a way to teach her ,her duties . She works 50 hours a week as a nurse .Gets injured in a car crash . While awaiting her disability to go through, cut off her off from food because she isn't chipping in enough around the house to take care of him .

This is a sad place ,I think I will go talk to other people.

She left once . I think she will leave again and stay gone .

I haven't read all posts in this thread, and took the liberty to take the OP at his word. Perhaps I have missed some important info, BUT, if the situation is as described in the OP (a woman who doesn't work either in or outside of the home because of pure laziness) then yeah, I suggest he stops paying for her expenses. Of course I understand there could be more to the story, but IF the OP is truthful, then my response is the one I gave.

 

[cerette]

Perhaps it would be fruitful to know what the OP means by "not doing much"?

Take me for example: I am a homemaker/full time mother. I do all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping (by public transit, I don't have my own vehicle!), taking care of our child, preparing for outings (packing whatever snacks, change of clothes etc etc) which includes church etc, except my husband's breakfast which he makes himself, and once in a while I ask him to buy milk on the way home from work. Now, the way I usually do it is some days I spend many hours getting all the cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping done, and the day after I don't do as much (since I did it all yesterday--I don't scrub the bathroom daily, or pull out the stove and clean behind it every day...)..so if you were to walk in on me on a busy day you'd think "wow!" but if you came the day after you'd think "boy she sure seems to enjoy that 3rd cup of coffee and Christian Forums at 1 PM!!". So, my point is, what counts as 'much'. Is it the amount done on any given single day, or is it the general situation over a more extended period of time?

 

[musingsofacac]

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[musingsofacac]

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[musingsofacac]

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[musingsofacac]

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[musingsofacac]

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[musingsofacac]

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[ChristianGolfer]

Why does it matter that I program at my kitchen table verse programming at an office? If that is what you are getting at. Otherwise I don't get your point.

It doesn't matter. I missed the part where you said you work from home. What I was trying to figure out is how much non-housework work you do a week compared to what your wife was doing. A 70-30 split might be reasonable if one spouse works longer at non-housework work.

Do you honestly believe that when people get married you go "well they are your kids, you take care of them". That is a horrible philosophy of marriage. When you get married you agree to share everything, discipline and decisions regarding the kids. When you marry someone with kids, you by default agree to be a co-parent to those kids.

If that's what two people actually agree to... But not everyone does. I don't necessarily think that step-parents should be completely hands-off. But at the same time, it's not their children and it's understandable that a natural parent will do the bulk of the childcare compared to how much the step-parent does.

I have a step-son. My husband has joint custody so we have ss for a week every other week. And I choose to do almost 50-50 of the parenting. My husband is ultimately responsible for his own son, though. I think my husband is grateful for my contributions but he doesn't demand or expect it from me.

When you have the children on weekends only, I really don't see any reason why most of the "work" that you are responsible for with the kids - especially if they are older - shouldn't fall on the natural parent.

You know I have known moms exactly as you describe. I would argue that the vast majority of stay at home moms are like that. But I would also argue that the vast majority of men are hard working providers, and yes contribute at home to helping take care of their kids. There is a chunk of men that don't, and perhaps that chunk of men is bigger than that stay at home moms who are lazy. But it does not mean its not an issue.

Well... I guess it depends on you define "an issue." Like, is it really such a big problem that we should be worried about it? Is it something that really needs to be addressed? You said in your OP that you thought it was a trend. Now you think the vast majority of SAHMs aren't lazy. If the vast majority aren't lazy, then how is it a trend?

Like I've said... I think most people aren't lazy.

There was a time when man would have been ashamed not to have job, society would shame him, it was matter of honor. There was a time when a woman would have been ashamed to not take care of her house and her children, it was her home and her children were her pride, it was matter of honor.

I think that time is now, lol. I think both men and women suffer feelings of shame when they are unemployed. I think human beings need work. We feel better about ourselves when we're being productive. Whether we're productive outside or inside the home.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ValleyGal]

So just to chime in here. I used to be a nurse and I actually had an accident that left my mobility rather challenged. I had to change careers. My accident left me a different person. Even today I still grieve because I loved my work. It took a looong time to get past not being able to go back. I was very depressed for a long time, and that left me rather unmotivated.

I was a single parent, though, of a young child. I had taught him to pick up after himself, and since I also picked up after myself, keeping the house tidy was not an issue. Other than that, I cleaned the floors, dusted, and cleaned the bathrooms once a week. I cleaned the oven and behind stove and fridge, and did the windows once a year. So...where is the problem? Oh...and laundry. I did a load every second day, and an extra load on weekends when I did our bedding. Seriously, how long does it take to do any housework?

I dated during that time, and we talked about marriage. Believe me, I would never, ever expect him to ever take care of my son as a parent. If he wanted to, he was welcome to (except discipline), but that was my son and my responsibility - not his. It is totally unrealistic for you to expect your wife to give up her career and play mom to children who are not hers. I would have been livid if anyone expected me to give up my job that I loved in order to take care of his children.

I would also be livid if anyone ever called me lazy, especially when I was working full time outside the house or when I was recovering from my accident. There were days when my physio would totally exhaust me and I simply could not do the things I wanted to do or knew I should do.

Your wife's doctor said it is good for her to start getting back into doing light housework. But calling her lazy and having that kind of negative mindset towards her is not doing her any favors. All you are doing is nurturing negative thinking toward her, and that will breed resentment. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that might be why she is unmotivated to do any of the work now.

I said in that thread I believe we have an equally bad problem today with the problem of lazy house wives.

I do not see this so much with women, although I do concede that there are women who do not take responsibility as well. But I am seeing it more and more of men....and often those men are the ones who claim they are the "leaders and providers" but then they fail to lead and provide, which makes women have to take over the role, and then men complain about it. And when men have that role, they complain their wives do not do enough. It's like these people can't win.

I was almost sympathetic to this thread because I believe that women should be just as responsible as men and I know there are some who are not responsible. I was surprised by the responses that when it's women who are lazy, they chalk it up to depression and when it's men who are lazy, they chalk it up to laziness and irresponsibility. But in all honesty, having considered the constant references to her as lazy, and the entitlement that you appear to think you have just because you are a husband (iow, she needs to take care of your children, be the one to give up her career for you, and place her home above other significant areas of her life). Tbh, I feel sorry for her and totally understand her lack of motivation. I would not be very motivated either, unless all this was totally spelled out prior to the marriage and fully agreed on by her at the time.

I recall once when I confronted husband 1 about his lack of contribution to the home/help with our baby. He said he doesn't do it because he knows I will. That was absolutely unacceptable to me. He figured he could get away with not doing anything because I would pick up his slack? I don't think so, and I try to be a reasonable and fair person. But calling him lazy would never have gotten me anywhere. What I should have done is focus on how I could best influence him in a way that he felt respected and valued but still expected to contribute. Based on my own divorce, I would suggest that you start thinking of ways that you can lift her up instead of put her down. Try helping rather than insulting. Ask her to fold laundry with you, tell her that you will move the furniture while she vacuums under it, try cooking together in the kitchen. If you do it together, it will show her that you are sympathetic to her pain, but you still expect her to take a little responsibility. And remember to actually BE sympathetic....she may be in a lot of pain and not be able to move very well. But for the sake of your marriage, stop thinking of her and labeling her as "lazy." It won't get you anywhere.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.