Just wondered how many people on this forum have deconverted/ recanted from the Christian faith?
How or why did this happen?
I lost my faith in Christianity earlier this year. I think it was due to a combination of things.
I had a mental illness and it kept being interpreted as at least partly demonic because it involved hearing voices. This was very scary to be told and I couldn't understand why God didn't take it away and I prayed endlessly about it and tried rebuking the voices etc but it kept going on (for years). I always felt an outsider because of this, combined with being on a low income and not in paid work. Finally, things came to a head when a couple well respected at church counselled me that it was definitely a demonic issue and then left me for over a week to stew while they were 'busy' before they could pray and deliver me. I became extremely anxious and the voices got much worse before I realised that enough was enough and I couldn't go through with such a psychologically stressful situation and it just tipped me over and I stopped believing. Incidentally, they also believed that 'owls' of all things were connected with the demonic based on their interpretation of the bible which when I thought about it later just seemed ridiculous.
Also, I was persuaded that it was right to tithe and good to give to 'God' so I gave away a large chunk of my benefits money to church until finally I realised that the pastors were having family skiing holidays and I hadn't had a holiday for over 7 years and started to struggle to pay for the essentials.
Also, my son introduced me to atheist/Christian debates on youtube and I thought that things the atheists were saying made more sense.
I spent a lot of time praying over and over on all sorts of issues until finally I came across a website saying that God is Imaginary and it made a lot of sense too - it seemed that I had just been praying into the air. I really tried very hard to have a relationship with God and genuinely was a believer but because of a lack of sense of God 'speaking' or making his presence felt I felt bad about myself and struggled with doubts over my salvation.
I also found a list of contradictions in the bible on the internet and once I read some of those I could see with my own eyes that the bible wasn't innerrant.
When I had bouts of illness and withdrew from church I often would hear from my group leader that other people were praying and really cared for me - but it all seemed to be from a distance because people didn't contact me direct even though my phone number and address was on the group contact details.
I guess a lot of the problem must have been the stigma of mental illness even though I am approachable. I don't know for definite. But I never really found a niche although I've just about kept in touch with two people from church. When I left church, noone else telephoned or wrote to ask anything. My group leader urged me to come back for a visit and said to me 'they are your friends', but it didn't seem like really genuine friendship to me.
I know it shouldn't all be about what people are like - and you should 'look to God' - but Christians are meant to be God's hands and feet and are meant to be hearing from God and guided by His Holy Spirit. One time when I was desperate for prayerful help because I hadn't been sleeping due to the voices, I was advised to contact the pastor by my group leader, but he told me he was too busy to see me. I don't think I was a demanding person at all and my pastor later apologised when I bumped into him, but it was really hard to go through at the time.
Oh, I nearly forgot, the prophetic at church was what really started me questioning in the beginning because some of the prophecies just seemed like fortune telling or just too good to be true and the onus kept being put on the person receiving the prophecy - that they had to test or weigh it. There was a prophetic conference run by our church where people had to pay to gather together to worship with a live band and hear prophecies and it just seemed too much like a form of entertainment.
All in all, I think I was very gullible. Maybe I am still gullible, because I want to believe there's a God or higher power that's loving in some kind of way. But I've seen too much now - all the differences between denominations, the contradictions etc to still be convinced by Christianity and the biblical account.
That said, I think there are some positive values of loving others, reaching out to the vulnerable, caring for the poor etc, being kind and honest, which are really good.
