Getting to a girl through her dad

[blackjellybean]

I've heard this concept before in a sermon about courtship, where a guy interested in a girl befriends the father in hopes of getting her and then once trust is established there may date the daughter if she's interested.

For example if you fancy your church elder's daughter, so you befriend them both in hopes of getting her. Is that a good idea? I dunno, I often befriend middle-aged guys in church who have daughters of marriageable age so it seems like a smart opportunity to work with if I want someone.

What do you think? I've never actually heard of anyone doing this in real life. Typically you meet the girl first and date her outside of a family context (for example at university), then family comes in later. Does it work in reverse?

 

[citizenthom]

In today's world, court the woman first and her father second--though it is necessary to court BOTH for a healthy marriage.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I've heard this concept before in a sermon about courtship, where a guy interested in a girl befriends the father in hopes of getting her and then once trust is established there may date the daughter if she's interested.

For example if you fancy your church elder's daughter, so you befriend them both in hopes of getting her. Is that a good idea? I dunno, I often befriend middle-aged guys in church who have daughters of marriageable age so it seems like a smart opportunity to work with if I want someone.

What do you think? I've never actually heard of anyone doing this in real life. Typically you meet the girl first and date her outside of a family context (for example at university), then family comes in later. Does it work in reverse?

I'm not sure if I am getting what your question really is. Are you asking if it's okay to be opportunistic, and have a false motive for a friendship? That's what I am hearing from you.

If you want to be friends with these guys on their own merit, then at a later date, ask if you can date the daughter, that's one thing. But what you are stating is that you choose some male friendships based on how their daughters strike you, and frankly I find that disgusting. Have pure motives in your friendships. If there is a girl you want to date, and you think you need to ask her dad first, then just approach him honestly, and if he says let me get to know you first, then oblige. There is just something of a false pretense in the way that you have described this, if that makes sense.

 

[blackjellybean]

Are you asking if it's okay to be opportunistic, and have a false motive for a friendship? That's what I am hearing from you.

...

But what you are stating is that you choose some male friendships based on how their daughters strike you, and frankly I find that disgusting.

Point taken - thanks.

 

[Humble Pie]

There's no harm in befriending her father if there's a real connection there, like similar interests, good conversation or whatever. If there's not a connection then best to just befriend his daughter.

Are you someone who fears meeting your girlfriend's family? That would be the only valid reason to befriend dad first IMO. It means you wouldn't have to fear not being up to scratch when she takes you home to meet the family.

 

[LinkH]

I think a church should be like a family, so I don't see a problem with it as long as you aren't trying to just use the guy to get to his daughter. If you go to a church that is heavy into 'Biblical patriarchy' where the father decides whether you can come over to the house, sit on the front porch, and court his daughter there, you might be expected to go through the father anyway and take this approach. But my guess is that is far less than a 10th of one percent of churches in the US.

If you do take this approach and the father says it's okay to day, don't go on your first date or courting experience with the attitude that you've squared things away with the dad and "We are getting married to me, babe." Young women always hate that in Disney cartoons, and especially if she's watched a lot of them, she'll probably hate that, too.

In the old days, it was more common to match up daughters with friends and relatives of family and in-laws and that sort of thing to court with. That part from The Grapes of Wrath where the one-eyed mechanic working in a junk yard without an eye patch was feeling sorry for himself, and saying that his boss wanted to match him up with his daughter came to mind. He didn't think she'd want him. Anyway, that's sort of a random thought, but I guess that sort of thing used to be more common in the US before the advent of pop culture.

 

[Publius]

I've heard this concept before in a sermon about courtship, where a guy interested in a girl befriends the father in hopes of getting her and then once trust is established there may date the daughter if she's interested.

For example if you fancy your church elder's daughter, so you befriend them both in hopes of getting her. Is that a good idea? I dunno, I often befriend middle-aged guys in church who have daughters of marriageable age so it seems like a smart opportunity to work with if I want someone.

What do you think? I've never actually heard of anyone doing this in real life. Typically you meet the girl first and date her outside of a family context (for example at university), then family comes in later. Does it work in reverse?

Using someone to get close to someone else is never a good idea and, as the father of four girls, two of them courting, I can tell you first hand that nothing will alienate you from the family and from the girl faster than dishonesty.

Now, if you want to be honest and go to the father and tell him that you'd like to court his daughter, that's something else.

My oldest daughter had boys asking her out constantly and she would explain our family's beliefs to them and why she didn't date, but why she believes in courting and why they would have to go to me.

She coached the boy she liked on how to talk to me (because, let's face it, going to a girl's father and asking permission isn't something we see in our society anymore) and he came to me. I gave him permission to court her on the condition that he spend time with me, not out of a false friendship to get close to her, but for discipleship and mentorship.

They'll be getting married soon.

 

[LinkH]

Thinking about this thread, I just think of weird pickup lines for patriarchal dads to say to them about their daughters.

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman with her dad sitting there with her. He says to the dad, "What's a nice girl like your daughter doing in a place like this?" and proceeds to hit on the dad for a date with his daughter. Okay, that one's not that funny, but there is fertile ground here for some funny jokes and maybe a video. Maybe someone could help me out.

 

[Beechwell]

If a girl wants to go out with a boy, does she also ask his father, or rather his mother?

 

[LinkH]

If a girl wants to go out with a boy, does she also ask his father, or rather his mother?

No, that's a little different, especially if you are drawing from the Old Testament.

Besides, a man can talk to his own parents. If he's the initiator, if someone is going to talk to parents, it makes sense for him to talk to hers.

 

[Angeldove97]

My husband courted me first, though he was respectful enough to know he had to talk to my parents- particularly my Dad- about marrying me. We had a long-distance relationship so it was going to be hard for my hubby to befriend my Dad, but they're slowly working on a friendship right now-- my Dad will at least say hello and make small conversation on FB with him lol (They actually have a lot of stuff in common- I didn't believe it when my Mom told me I was marrying my Dad )

So in my case it just wouldn't have worked out-- but if the Dad is around, then of course get to know him as well as his daughter. I don't necessarily think you should befriend a guy just because you want his daughter- that seems a tad dishonest- but if you were upfront about it and privately spoke to the Dad about it, then I'd hope he would see you as a moral adult for doing so.

 

[KathyW]

It's very respectful to speak to her father and tell him you'd like to court his daughter. Be sure the daughter is interested, though, too.