Am I obligated to go?

[LyraJean]

It sounds like you don't want to to do, so don't. You are not obligated to be her bridesmaid.

IMO there is no excuse to behave like a monster. I organised my wedding alone in a four month space of time and it wasn't that stressful. The bride needs to be flexible too. If she expects people to incur the cost of travel and attending their wedding then they need to give a bit too. Maybe it's just that true personalities come out when weddings are being planned and inflexible people show who they really are. I had no problem having children at my wedding. They are just as much part of the family as anyone else and so it is appropriate they are there. I don't buy the whole, "It's my wedding it's all about me, me, me" notion.

I know I wouldn't want a bridesmaid who did it reluctantly. I wonder though - does this woman value your history as a friend more than you do?

Is this directed at me? I only ask because it is directly under my post.

 

[Avniel]

Is this directed at me? I only ask because it is directly under my post.

I actually wondered why you didn't want children at your wedding also. Most weddings i have been to their are a lot of children they make the wedding funny

 

[LyraJean]

I actually wondered why you didn't want children at your wedding also. Most weddings i have been to their are a lot of children they make the wedding funny

They would have been the only children there as none of the other guests had any. I had nothing for them as far as entertainment. And the mother couldn't even say if they would behave or not. Then she accused me of trying to break up and destroy her family.

 

[CuddlyBear]

Is this directed at me? I only ask because it is directly under my post.

No, this forum posts in the order that posts are submitted, hence it came under your post.

Your decision doesn't affect me but I have been in the position of refusing to attend a wedding of a bride who couldn't see it wasn't possible to leave a new baby who was nursing and unable to take a bottle for a period of 12 hours. There simply wasn't an option for us. I don't know if you would have allowed that or not. If not, then I guess it could apply to you. I honestly don't care what decision people getting married make as long as they then respect my decision not to attend if I can't make it work without getting grumpy.

 

[CuddlyBear]

They would have been the only children there as none of the other guests had any. I had nothing for them as far as entertainment. And the mother couldn't even say if they would behave or not. Then she accused me of trying to break up and destroy her family.

All that was needed was for the mother to reassure you she would remove her children if they couldn't sit quietly, as she should, and no problem. The kids are the parents' problem to entertain, not yours. She sounds like she over-reacted though.

 

[TheDag]

What then happens if she doesn't have anyone else who can fill in for the job?

you can pick some complete stranger off the street to be a bridesmaid/best man. The main job they have is to act as witnesses and sign a document making it (legally) official. At my wedding there were no bridesmaids or groomsmen. We each asked one friend to act as witnesses and at the appropiate time they got out of their seats (up of the rug on the ground actually) and signed the paperwork then went and sat back down. Gone are the days when bridesmaids and groomsmen actually meant something.

 

[LyraJean]

No, this forum posts in the order that posts are submitted, hence it came under your post.

Your decision doesn't affect me but I have been in the position of refusing to attend a wedding of a bride who couldn't see it wasn't possible to leave a new baby who was nursing and unable to take a bottle for a period of 12 hours. There simply wasn't an option for us. I don't know if you would have allowed that or not. If not, then I guess it could apply to you. I honestly don't care what decision people getting married make as long as they then respect my decision not to attend if I can't make it work without getting grumpy.

These children were 8 and 9 and barely listened to her. It was more along the lines of she was my friend since we were 8 years old. I've done plenty for her because of our friendship. I was asking for one day and her husband didn't even want to come so I said why not just leave the kids your husband then. I'm just asking for a day. Then she accused me of trying to tear her family apart and destroy them.

We were friends since we were 8 but as soon as she had children she only called me when she needed a free sitter. Which hey I loved her kids and yeah I did watch her children for free. Until I realized that was the only time she called me was when she needed a sitter. She never called to say how have I been or even just to hang out.

No, I do not have children. Yes, I know when you do have children it drastically changes your life. But to only call your oldest, closest friend when you need a free sitter and then when said friend accuses you of trying to destroy her family because I ask her not to bring her unbehaved children to my wedding. So yeah I felt it was a bit unfair.

And when I did the things I did for her I was thinking of our friendship not what I could get out of it at a later date. I didn't even mention all the things I have done because I felt if I did it would be a low blow and unfair to her.

So yeah, it mostly came down to because I wouldn't allow her children to come to my wedding then I was somehow trying to destroy and tear apart her family.

 

[LyraJean]

No, this forum posts in the order that posts are submitted, hence it came under your post.

I realize that but I do know of posters who if they know that their post will be directly under the post they are replying to then they do not quote. That was the other reason why I was asking.

My friend and I had a long and sometimes turbulent relationship and I would have to explain more than I already posted to make clear. Things she has told me in confidence and asked me not to share. Even if I was using a psuedonym instead of my real name on this forum I would not share here. But if something is still unclear then I will try to explain if you are interested.

 

[r035198x]

you can pick some complete stranger off the street to be a bridesmaid/best man. The main job they have is to act as witnesses and sign a document making it (legally) official. At my wedding there were no bridesmaids or groomsmen. We each asked one friend to act as witnesses and at the appropiate time they got out of their seats (up of the rug on the ground actually) and signed the paperwork then went and sat back down. Gone are the days when bridesmaids and groomsmen actually meant something.

But now we are speculating as to whether the friend has the same ideas you have about bridesmaids.

 

[Avniel]

They would have been the only children there as none of the other guests had any. I had nothing for them as far as entertainment. And the mother couldn't even say if they would behave or not. Then she accused me of trying to break up and destroy her family.

I can understand her not wanting to be in the wedding after that and how that would destroy a friendship. If you had music and food I'm sure that would be enough for them to enjoy the party, really sometimes children are the life of the reception....I have only been to african american and jamaican weddings though and I know weather it's one child or ten you can bet the camera is going to be on them dancing like their little selves no how. I have tones of videos of me getting busy on the dance floor at weddings as young as 2. Also I don't think any wedding has anything for children.

As far as someone not being able to attend due to lack of finical issues then that is actually understandable. My grandparents are renting a big van to get all my family to my wedding. So I can understand that traveling may be an issue.

But in comparison not calling her and her not taking her to get the dress is minute compared to not allowing someones child to come to the wedding.

 

[LyraJean]

I can understand her not wanting to be in the wedding after that and how that would destroy a friendship. If you had music and food I'm sure that would be enough for them to enjoy the party, really sometimes children are the life of the reception....I have only been to african american and jamaican weddings though and I know weather it's one child or ten you can bet the camera is going to be on them dancing like their little selves no how. I have tones of videos of me getting busy on the dance floor at weddings as young as 2. Also I don't think any wedding has anything for children.

As far as someone not being able to attend due to lack of finical issues then that is actually understandable. My grandparents are renting a big van to get all my family to my wedding. So I can understand that traveling may be an issue.

But in comparison not calling her and her not taking her to get the dress is minute compared to not allowing someones child to come to the wedding.

Just like with me there might be more to the story. So if she feels like she shouldn't go then she shouldn't feel obliged to go and politely refuse.

 

[CuddlyBear]

Well I've just been invited to a wedding and know I won't be going whether kids are invited or not as it's on the other side of the country, I'm not prepared to leave my family for a few days, and spending at least $1000 to attend is not realistic (cost would be significantly more if the family came too). I will send a present.

Back to the topic though. One of my friends was invited to be a bridesmaid for me and declined. I was quite happy for her to make that choice and understand that for some people, getting up in front of a crowd is terrifying. I don't like it myself. An invitation is able to be declined and the OP is free to do so if she feels it's not appropriate for her to take that role.

 

[TheDag]

But now we are speculating as to whether the friend has the same ideas you have about bridesmaids.

not at all actually. My comment was made in response to your claim that the wedding would be ruined. The wedding would only be ruined if it could not go ahead after all the important thing is the marriage not the wedding. It is unlikely the wedding would have to be canceled because anyone can step in. One only needs to grab someone off the street if there are no other guests at the wedding. Although I suppose if someone forgets that it is all about the marriage then you have a problem to begin with because then you are putting the marriage at risk by not focusing on it.

 

[heron]

It costs time and money to be a bridesmaid.

You will probably have to pay for the dress, alterations, new shoes, hairdresser, a wedding gift, a shower gift. Maybe a manicure/pedicure, valet parking, and other things she will request of everyone.

Time to shop for dresses (past), a few fittings, picking things up, rehearsal, wedding day, maybe even a spa day or bachelorette party. You might need to plan her shower, drive her grandmother, be at the church to sign for the flowers... whatever. Once you say yes, she will feel free to give you new duties. If you don't like her, you will like her less after that week.

All of these things are a joy to participate in when you want to spend time with a friend. If you don't like her, get out of the commitment now.

 

[gladtobesaved]

If you don't like her, you will like her less after that week.Get out of the commitment now.

Mutch better to be honest,& to do it now

 

[Avniel]

not at all actually. My comment was made in response to your claim that the wedding would be ruined. The wedding would only be ruined if it could not go ahead after all the important thing is the marriage not the wedding. It is unlikely the wedding would have to be canceled because anyone can step in. One only needs to grab someone off the street if there are no other guests at the wedding. Although I suppose if someone forgets that it is all about the marriage then you have a problem to begin with because then you are putting the marriage at risk by not focusing on it.

the birthday isn't important but we still want a nice day. The marriage is important but a woman wants the day to turn out nice.

 

[LyraJean]

She can refuse to go. If the bride didn't even have the courtesy to let her bridesmaid know they we're going to get the dresses that day then how important was she to the bride anyways.

When I went to get my dresses I let all my bridesmaids know what day. I ended up having to go on two different days because of my bridesmaids work schedules. But yeah a phone call isn't that hard.

I seriously doubt that if she politely bows out it will ruin the bride's wedding.

 

[gladtobesaved]

If the bride didn't even have the courtesy to let her bridesmaid know they we're going to get the dresses that day then how important was she to the bride anyways.

After that,you would have to ask. Good point.