A Parent's Death?

[blythe_ann]

We found out recently that my husband's mother has cancer and more recently that they are no longer going to offer her treatments of any kind.
Both of us have aging parents, so we have been somewhat prepared for something like this to happen, as we've been watching them all fall apart the last few years.
I guess what I'm writing this for is a little bit of preparation advice. As she gets worse in health, and as she passes, I want to help my husband in the best way possible. I was hoping people who have been through similar experiences could share some insight on what we might expect.
A little history, for those who might be concerned:
The doctor's give her just a little time. We are going to visit them in two weeks, along with his older brother and sister and their families. If she is feeling well enough, my in-laws will all be joining us at our house for Easter (we are half way between most of the family).
His relationship with his mom is decent, though slightly strained due to "last son syndrome" (not sure if that's really a term, but I'm sure most of you know what I mean when I say that his parents still see him as their "little boy", which has also added a bit of strain on my relationship with his family [long story]).
Our marriage is strong and healthy. We are trying to have a child (we hope that grandma will be able to meet her grand baby before she passes, but we're still trying to get pregnant). We've talked about our parents dying, especially his mom. He has accepted that she is dying, he thinks he's prepared for it (which I believe he may be, he is strong). He's worried about his dad (who is really struggling with everything... denial, the whole bit) and his little sister (who is still in high school [we have offered for her to live with us over the summers while she is in school, if living with her dad is too difficult]).

Anyone else had to help their spouse through a parents death? As I tend to make a lot of mistakes, maybe knowing some things I shouldn't do in these next few months (or God willing, healthy years!) would be beneficial.

Thank you, everyone
God Bless!

 

[Cascade]

Allow him as much time with her as possible. Mood swings and all that are so apparant in the one whose parent is dying. They need to lean on someone so that will be you. Prayed for the situation here. It is the toughest of hurts when it's over and that starts a new wound. If faith is strong and you have a good minister -pastor to aide in counseling,take him. Both before and after she passes. Even if for a few mins time,a pastor can do wonders to strengthen the faith. Mine told me it is so natural to mourn a parent,cry. I did just that.

 

[PolarBear3]

My father-in-law died two months ago. He had been diagnosed with cancer about a year ago. It's a difficult time and it's great that you're trying to be prepared for this and looking for ways to be there for your husband.

We have someone at our church who does grief counseling and we met with her when his dad was first diagnosed. It was really helpful to talk with someone who could understand what we were going through. So if you have someone like that, go talk to them.

I think the most important thing though is to let your husband feel what he feels. He may not cry or he might cry a lot. Neither my husband or I cried when his father died - we were upset about it, but we had cried so much during his dad's illness that the tears just weren't there. He may want to talk a lot or he may want some quiet times. He may mourn for a long time or not. I guess what I'm saying is that grief is individual so be attentive to what your husband needs/wants.

Also, your husband's dad may need a lot of support after your mother-in-law passes. There will be a lot of attention focused on your mother-in-law, her cancer and her passing, but your father-in-law may really need another adult around to talk to or just be around for him - especially after everyone goes home after the funeral. So you and your husband may want to think about what your father-in-law will be needing at that time and making preparations for that if you can. My husband and his siblings all took rotating weeks to stay with his mom after his dad passed away. That helped her quite a bit. You may not be able to do that depending on your situation, but there may be other ways to help him cope with his loss (frequent phone calls can also be really helpful).

I hope that helps. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[blythe_ann]

Thank you for your posts, and prayers. Polarbear, we have thought a little about his father and what we might do to help him out, but as I've said, my husband is their "little boy", so I don't know how much we could do that his dad would accept, but we've talked to the in-laws pastor (our old pastor) and have kept him updated on everything we can and he is available for counseling with my father-in-law.
Thank you again, everyone.
**
I also wanted to add a bit of a disclaimer, as I think one is due. My husband is amazing and I don't question his emotions (or lack thereof in certain instances), so I'm not trying to get feelings out of him or anything like that. I really just want to be ready for whatever may happen and learn some ways to be the best possible wife for him in all cases, even the terribly sad ones.

 

[katautumn]

Hi, Blythe Anne. First of all, I'm sorry your mother-in-law is sick. My mother-in-law had Alzheimer's Disease as long as I knew her, but it was an unexpected heart attack that took her home. It was hard, because there was no getting ready for it. She had just had bladder surgery and pulled through it fantastically and had been active and in good spirits the day before she died. This was the first time I'd dealt with the death of a spouse's parent. My husband lost his dad when he was only five years old. Both of my parents are still relatively young (early 50s) and in good health.

The best thing you can do is try not to be the hero, and I don't say that to be crass. Oftentimes when a terminal illness or death occurs in a family the wife feels she has to be the rock and deny herself the time to grieve and care for her needs as well. While your husband will need to lean on you in the days to come, if you and your mother-in-law are close you have every right to be sad and shed tears over this as well. Ask his siblings if there is anything you can do to help them. They may say no, but they'll never forget you offered that help.

With my husband I pretty much let him talk as much as he wanted, let him be silent when he wanted to be silent. I didn't hover around him and constantly ask, "you okay? You okay?" He knew I was there when he needed me. When he wanted to work the day after her death, I didn't try and talk him out of it. I figured he's a grown man and if he felt up to working then perhaps it would distract his mind.

It's also important to know that the times in which the family is holding bedside vigil in the last days of a loved one's life and during the funeral it's a blur and the loved ones don't have much time to process grief. Don't be surprised if months pass after your mother-in-law's death before your husband really opens up and talks about his grief. There is definitely a roller coaster of emotions when dealing with a long-term illness. We knew my mother-in-law wouldn't live much long once her Alzheimer's had progressed to the point where it had, but it was still a long, emotional road ahead of us.

Most importantly - pray. Pray and allow the help of your brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[LovesToBless]

You've been getting great advice here.

I would add that grief in many ways is never over. No one replaces another person - ever. Grief changes from when your loved one first dies, but that person will always be missed.

I lost my mom almost 5 years ago, and I still miss her, as we were extremely close. But...it's certainly different than when she first died. Still, there are times when I might think for a split second..."I think I'll call my mom" and then right away realize that she's gone. That's a common thing to happen from everything I've heard from others over the years.

We all grieve in our own way, so yes, respect your husband's flow and expect your own feelings and they may be very different.

I'm glad you still have some time to enjoy together.

 

[blythe_ann]

Thank you for the responses. We'll see how things go. Your prayers are always appreciated

 

[Cynthia85]

My mother-in-law and my "mother" (biologically my grandmother, but my she raised me since I was 2 years old, so she's my mom to me) both died last year, 3 months apart.

My mother-in-law had cancer throughout her body and in her bones. It was a really difficult time for the hubby.

Be supportive of your husband. Don't be overly critical and if he does something that ticks you off, don't take it too seriously. He's going to be under a lot of stress and hurting (maybe even more then *he* would like to admit.) My husband was like that. And the pain may last a long time. It's been a year since my Mama's death and it still hurts a lot. I miss her every day and I still feel like there's a hole missing in my heart. So it's not something that going to be gone or better in a certain amount of time. It may take a while, so be patient (God knows my husband has been with me).

And don't let him push you away. Be there for him, not pushy, but supportive.

 

[£amb]

We found out recently that my husband's mother has cancer and more recently that they are no longer going to offer her treatments of any kind.
Both of us have aging parents, so we have been somewhat prepared for something like this to happen, as we've been watching them all fall apart the last few years.
I guess what I'm writing this for is a little bit of preparation advice. As she gets worse in health, and as she passes, I want to help my husband in the best way possible. I was hoping people who have been through similar experiences could share some insight on what we might expect.
A little history, for those who might be concerned:
The doctor's give her just a little time. We are going to visit them in two weeks, along with his older brother and sister and their families. If she is feeling well enough, my in-laws will all be joining us at our house for Easter (we are half way between most of the family).
His relationship with his mom is decent, though slightly strained due to "last son syndrome" (not sure if that's really a term, but I'm sure most of you know what I mean when I say that his parents still see him as their "little boy", which has also added a bit of strain on my relationship with his family [long story]).
Our marriage is strong and healthy. We are trying to have a child (we hope that grandma will be able to meet her grand baby before she passes, but we're still trying to get pregnant). We've talked about our parents dying, especially his mom. He has accepted that she is dying, he thinks he's prepared for it (which I believe he may be, he is strong). He's worried about his dad (who is really struggling with everything... denial, the whole bit) and his little sister (who is still in high school [we have offered for her to live with us over the summers while she is in school, if living with her dad is too difficult]).

Anyone else had to help their spouse through a parents death? As I tend to make a lot of mistakes, maybe knowing some things I shouldn't do in these next few months (or God willing, healthy years!) would be beneficial.

Thank you, everyone
God Bless!

I'm going to be speaking from the other side of the table...

My mother passed away from cancer close to 3 years ago. So I can understand the things your husband is getting ready (if not already) to go through. My husband was great through it all and I really appreciated him for it.

Be prepared for your husband to go through a wide range of emotions that can hit at anytime and anywhere. He may just want your silent support...what I mean by that, is that sometimes our hugs mean more than words can. He's going to be exhausted because of everyone wanting to know how things are going and how's he doing...he'll get tired of explaining the same story over and over and over. And last, but not least, just remember that this is something that could emotionally rear it's head at anytime in the future. Just recently, I went through a very emotional day when my pastor for my church retired after 30 years. All the memories I had about this pastor were memories that triggered my memories of my mom. I pretty much cried all afternoon. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, my husband gave me plenty of hugs...then I was fine after that.

Just be there for him and not overwhelm him, let him go through the emotions that will come to him, and give him plenty of physical support (hugs, kisses, cry with him)...

 

[Via Cassian]

The difficulties your husband typically has in tough times will be the same ones he has now. Your knowledge of how you have helped in other times will be applied now, but with a lighter touch. This is a new path.

There will be much more uncertainty about what will happen each day and what is planned, be flexible.

Help ground him and the others in the life that is still going on — like sharing small bits of news about their interests and life in general.

Pay very close attention to the medical care (pain medication, for example in your case because treatment has stopped) and what the medical people say and do. You may be the most appropriate person to talk with the medical people when there has been poor care that needs to be addressed. To do this effectively you need to be able to remember what has been said and done in the past. Most medical people are good, but like everywhere else there are a few who create difficulties — someone needs to deal those situations — it might be you.

Like airplane emergency procedures, if you have another in your care, put your oxygen mask on first, then the other person's. Don't do everything so you grow weary. Keep yourself the most well-rested in the group. You will need all the strength you have.

Most of your love will be shown not by doing or saying anything, but in being there along side. At times you may assist by helping your husband enter silence and stillness. Never underestimate the support of a silent companion.

As you know, God's grace is sufficient. He brings all his children home safely and in his love.

 

[Maviga]

Just want to send some prayers your way. My parents are 60 this year and my parents in law are abour 5 years older. We all live in different countries and so when we get a phone call of one of our parents at a strange time we always get the shivers. My mum had some strong health concerns over the years and it's really hard to just feel powerless. But my husband was very supportive in us going over for visits, being involved and really making it so clear to me that he cares. That is so important.

I really wish you will have enough time left together to have your wish come true of your child meeting his/ her grandparents.

All the best,

Maviga

 

[blythe_ann]

Thanks everyone. If I can figure out the blessings thing you'll be getting some~!

 

[Worcester Beacon]

In 2003 my mother died of lung cancer and in 2006 my wifes mother died of skin cancer. Both times were hard, but we got through by talking to each other but also leaving the other to their thoughts when required. It's not easy and you never really get over it but it does get less painful and some of that sorrow will turn to joy when you realise that they are at peace.

 

[Pauler]

my mom passed almost 5 years ago...ultimately to brain cancer. she passed away before i got married. however my wife is a great support to me...even now.

i just need someone to be present with me in my struggle. she doesnt need to say anything...just be present. of course everyone deals with things differently, and your husband may need some words from you.

i still go through the occasional emotional wave (holidays, once in a lifetime events like my wedding). i am sure i will go through it again when my first child is born in a few months.

i guess the thing to prepare for is that this will be something he deals with for a long time...i am talking at least a year before the emotional roller coaster tapers off. during the first year, i went through peaks and valleys regularly. as time passed, it got better. retrospectively, i should have gone to grief counseling. it would have helped.

 

[blythe_ann]

I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I appreciate everyone sharing their stories and advice.
We visited the in-laws this weekend and I was frightened by the progress. She asked many times what day it was, she couldn't see me sitting right next to her (her left eye is losing it's functionality) and worst of all, while holding her grandson (my brother-in-laws baby) she forgot she was holding him and let his head drop. My poor dear sister-in-law follows her mother around turning off faucets, turning off the stove, picking things up and finishing projects so that they don't get left lying around.
My husband was most concerned for his little sister and we prayed that she doesn't grow bitter in having to grow up so quickly and care for her aging parents. His mom is so near to the Lord, he says it will be sad but also a time of celebration, that she is truly where she wants to be.
She hinted many times (perhaps because she forgot she had hinted before) that she wanted to meet her grandbaby, in other words, that we should get pregnant. I am patiently waiting on the Lord on that one, and I do hope that she does get to meet our child.
So, Thanks for listening, I just wanted to share in case anyone was interested.