A child's death

[Pond Life]

Firstly, I apologize if this is an inappropriate part of the forum to post this. I am very new here and I don't know where would be suitable.

I hope too that I don't upset anyone with this thread.

I think that this is really just an ask. Is there anyone here who has experienced the death of one of their children? My third child was stillborn ten months ago. I am finding things very hard at the moment.

If anyone has any experience of this topic, I would love to speak to them. I don't want answers. I don't need to be told that God had/has a plan. I just need to know that there are other Christians who have come through all this. Intact. At the moment, I am more like damaged goods. I am living and looking after my two living children but there is still such a lot of sadness.

If anyone can help I would be grateful.

Thank you.

 

[tiffyof6ntwins]

i didnt have my own child die but i did have my nephew pass away just hours after the last time i held him.. he appeared healthy but after laying him down for a nap he didnt wake, the cause: sids. it was hard for me because he shared a birthday with my oldest daughter only they were a year apart. i felt sorry at all times for my sister it took her months to be able to be a mother to her other son again . he passed at just shy of 3 months . its not an easy thing for anyone to deal with let alone the parents. or those close to. The only thing i can say is maybe it was for the better, my sister abused and neglected her kids so i felt my nephew dying was for the best. she now has 6 total and only custody of 1. the other 4 are in state foster care. so i feel it was for the best so he didnt have to deal with what they are now. its tragic but in a since its a relief to know .. yes 4 others are in state custody but he lucked out. i believe things turned out that way because of his health.

 

[jgonz]

My 3rd child passed away. She was born with no esophagus, and stayed in the hospital from birth until she was 4 months 1 week old. We got to have her home for a week, then she died at exactly 4.5 months old.

The first year after she died is still fuzzy for me (and that was 21.5 yrs ago!). I don't remember a whole lot. I do remember being angry with God. I remember having an overwhelming desire for another baby, but being scared to death at the same time. I remember throwing my Bible against the wall of my bedroom several times. I remember God saying in my spirit, What if I don't Want you to have any more children? and having to let that desire die. It was an extremely difficult, hellish year to go through, but I did make it.

Later, a friend of mine got pregnant on the pill & using condoms, and I told God, "If you want me to have any more children, you'll have to do that with me." I got pregnant with my now 19 yr old while using a diaphram smeared with lots of spermicidal jelly. lol And then I got pregnant again and again and had 6 more healthy babies (one at a time ).

I also had a miscarriage a few years ago, and went through a lot of the same emotions... and anger.... that I'd had after #3 died.The miscarriage was 3 days before the anniversary of #3's death. I couldn't believe that God had done that to me. I was so angry for so long...

Then surprise surprise, God gave me another baby, at 48! who is totally healthy and a rambuncious toddler now.

I won't tell you it will be alright, because part of you will not be "alright" ever again. But, you will learn to live with what's happened and go on with your life. Your baby will be with you Always, part of your soul, mind, and spirit.

I was told that it takes a good 2 years of grieving to move past a death. I don't know if that's true for everyone, but that's what I was told.

 

[Macx]

I know it isn't remotely the same thing, but my family has survived a kidnapping. During the time our daughter was stolen, the house had that empty feeling and of course the grief . .. . we couldn't know we'd get her back. We did, and she is okay, but my wife and I are both deeply, deeply emotionally scarred from the ordeal.

I know that the difference is finality. When a child dies, you know you won't get them back. When a child is kidnapped, you hope but it comes with a different set of agony. You can know a child is at peace, in heaven. . . you grieve and it is terrible, but you don't have the "not knowwing" where that child is. As the father of a kidnapped child every day was the worry that she was in pain, or having her organs harvested, or any number of terrible things, too terrible to put in print. The level of terror was just off the charts. That'd be the differences. Where the two situations have similarity is in the depth of pain, the reaction you have to God, the way it changes your marriage & probably a LOT more.

So I am being up front that it was a kidnapping we survived and not a death, but I have experienced the loss of a child & hope to be included in the conversation.

 

[*Charis*]

We lost two babies before their birth. The first in an ectopic
pregnancy, before we knew I was pregnant. I almost died,
but the greater pain for me, was the loss of our baby. We
expected the second baby, when we lost it, and that was
extremely painful. I know how you feel.

It helped to give the babies a name, and honor that is due a
loved one.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

[Pond Life]

Thank you all for your responses. I am so sorry to read what each of you have been through. Thank you for taking the time to talk a little about your situations. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for everyone.

I find, in my situation, that it is the faith element of the whole affair which still makes me the saddest. Sundays are hard reminders of what has changed and what I have lost over the last few months. This event has placed stresses and strains on my family and friendships which I find so difficult to sort out.

I just want everything to be 'better' and it pains me to know that it never will be. It will be different, sometimes good, sometimes not.

And I don't know where God fits into all this nor where I fit into God, if I am honest. And that sort of scares me.

 

[Assisi]

Hi Pond Life,

My first child died in utero in the second trimester and then I went on to have a first trimester miscarriage that same year. I can relate to much of what you say in your posts. I remember sitting in church on Sundays and picturing what it would have been like to have my child with me there, I remember being confused as to why this had happened to me and wondering how it was meant to fit in with my faith in God.

My emotional healing did not take place until the birth of my son (now 14 months old), but God touched me right there at delivery and it was an instant healing for me. I still think of my first two babies daily and I still have little holes in my heart because of losing them, but I have come to an acceptance of what has happened and feel able to be happy again.

One thing I absolutely hated was being told that 'it was God's will', or that 'it happened for a reason'. I do not believe that God took my babies away from me to punish me or to teach me a lesson. How I see it is that we live in a fallen world in which God allows bad things to happen - perhaps it would be worthwhile to re-read Job? Other parts of Scripture which helped me in prayer were 1Samuel1&2, Isaiah49:15-16, Matthew18:14, and (strangely enough) the prophesy of Simeon to Mary in vs35 of Luke2.

My husband and I pray in thanksgiving of all our babies, living and dead, daily, and we have a cake to celebrate the birthdays of all our babies. It helps us to acknowledge our loss and to pray about it.

Perhaps now would be a good time to think about your faith and search for answers about the afterlife. Having clear teaching on life after death etc really helped me, as did frequently asking for healing in the sacraments.

 

[zaksmummy]

I miscarried my baby at nine weeks, but having already had one child I was emotionally ready and prepared and felt that this child was already with me, if you understand what I mean, so I felt overwhelming shock and grief at her loss. This lasted for quite a while, it was like a wave on a beach I would be ok for a while and then wham, the pain would hit me, and the grief would return. Silly things would set it off - watching a childs TV programme, hoovering, and the last time when I was pregnant, reading about someone elses miscarriage. I sat on the toilet and sobbed.

I felt finally able to give my pain over to God last summer, and since then have had another baby. Without letting go I know I wouldnt have been able to have another child. I spent many, many hours crying to God for an answer to my question why? Cant say I got an answer, but I do have peace about it now, and in time you will too. In the meantime God is there with you, just cry out to him, share you anger and pain and all those other mixed up emotions, he can take it.

 

[sk8Joyful]

Thank you all for your responses.
I am so sorry to read what each of you have been through.
Thank you for taking the time to talk a little about your situations.

I find, in my situation, that it is the faith element of
the whole affair which still makes me the saddest.
And I don't know where God fits into all this,
nor where I fit into God, if I am honest.
And that sort of scares me. I just want everything to be 'better'

Hi Life,

Some have children die, some while in the womb, some after, some are kidnapped, and
some like (4 precious ones) with me don't get soulfull choice experiences...
may I ask,
by Jesus are you Saved? When you are, and when your children have also Accept His present,
in time it will be all better as you say. It will, truely! - I will pray for you, coming to PEACE...

 

[Pond Life]

Thank you again for the comments and support. I find that my emotions run all over the place on this journey. I guess I was posting when my head and heart were finding things very hard.

I'll have a look at those Bible references, Assisi, thank you.

It would have been my baby's first birthday next month and I like the idea of having a celebration and cake, thanks for the suggestion.

Thank you too everyone, for all the prayers.

 

[Catherineanne]

Firstly, I apologize if this is an inappropriate part of the forum to post this. I am very new here and I don't know where would be suitable.

I hope too that I don't upset anyone with this thread.

I think that this is really just an ask. Is there anyone here who has experienced the death of one of their children? My third child was stillborn ten months ago. I am finding things very hard at the moment.

If anyone has any experience of this topic, I would love to speak to them. I don't want answers. I don't need to be told that God had/has a plan. I just need to know that there are other Christians who have come through all this. Intact. At the moment, I am more like damaged goods. I am living and looking after my two living children but there is still such a lot of sadness.

If anyone can help I would be grateful.

Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss, Pond.

I am not sure if it will help, but this is a beautiful site to visit, not least to discover that you are not alone.

http://www.namesinthesand.net/

God be with you.