This brings back memories of my loss of faith and I have a feeling a lot of you have or may be going through something similar.
Let me tell you a little boring story of my deconversion. It started when I learned more and more of our universe. The things I saw, experienced, and knew to be true didn't match up with what the Bible said was supposed to be true. I started having questions and although deep in my mind I was starting to have doubts about the veracity of the Bible, I repressed them. Repressed them to the point of depression, anxiety, anger, etc.
One morning, I woke up exhausted after hours of sleep. I had been dreaming that I had gone to hell for my blasphemy and was tormented forever. That was it. I was done lying to myself and to god. If he existed, I thought, he already knows I have doubts and questions. In fact, he created me this way to be inquisitive, questioning, and skeptic. So, why try to hide my feelings from someone who can see right through me?
I started questioning, exploring, visited numerous churches and temples. First, I stayed close to my Catholic roots in Pentecostals. I attended Lutheran, Nondenominational, Southern Baptist, and Church of Christ churches. I stayed in each about 5 to 9 months, except for the Nondenominational. I stayed there for about a year and a half.
Everyone treated me stupendously and they NEVER ONCE pressured me into getting saved or anything even though they knew I was losing faith. Beautiful people and wonderful times.
During all this, I prayed, cried, prayed, and begged for a sign from god. Nothing ever came. Not so much as a warm feeling or nice thought. Nothing. Christianity had nothing for me. I called myself agnostic.
I then started expanding to Baha'i, Jewish, and Buddhist temples in Dallas. Nothing. Buddhist was nice on the meditative aspect but nothing I felt was transcendental. I called myself atheist.
After much studying, reading, reread the Bible a second time (first time was in Catechism for my First Communion,) I started exploring religions in a more open way. I then called myself Agnostic Atheist Humanist.
To this day, I don't regret my decision. I was made happier as my cognitive dissonance, from which I obviously suffered, dissipated. I realized how important and beautiful life, the universe and all within it was. Everything made much more sense and being able to question everything (including science and religion) has only increased my knowledge and understanding of the universe.
Don't be afraid to be open about your questions and doubts. Your god already knows how you feel and you can't deceive him. If he's wise, just, and loving, he'll understand how and why you've arrived at that point. Be true to your god and to yourself.
Sorry to hear of you having to go thru all of that! I feel so fortunate that I was not raised in a religious family.
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I must have been tired.