Teen pregnancy Question

[Garyzenuf]

My reaction would depend upon my teen's age and their relationship with the mother or father to be. If they were 17 or 18 (or above) and they had a stable relationship with the mother or father to be, I wouldn't have much to say against it. And my response would be the same regardless of whether my teen was a boy or a girl.

My oldest daughter got pregnant at 18, and was no longer 'dating' the father, but decided to keep the baby on her own if necessary. When contacted, the father said he would help in whatever desicion she came to with regards to the pregnency. They ended up keeping the baby, getting married and now live happily together in Sterling Scotland along with my newly born grand-daughter.


My youngest daughter got pregnant on a 6 month stay in Greece (by her muslim, brick-laying, Albanian boyfriend no less). She returned home with a bigga belly, and an nervous Albanian boyfriend in tow. They also decided to marry and raise my grand-daughter here in Canada, I couldn't be happier for all of them.


Both times when my daughters reluctently approached me with the news I asked "Is this good news or bad news", they both say it was fantastic news, so I treated it accordingly, with joy. Both were single unemployed and pregnant, both kept the babies, and both are now happily married to the fathers.


We have to trust our children with the choices they make, if they wanted abortions I would have reluctently supported them in that desicion as well. If they had opted for adoption..ditto. The important thing we need to let them know at times like that is that we love them, and will support them.


By the by, my other son-in-law is Jewish, can't wait for Christmas when they will all be here together. (Should have spent more time teaching them the concept of 'unequallly yoked' I guess ).

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[flicka]

I learned a lesson about this. It doesn't matter what you think you would do or say because when confronted with something like this you are not in charge, everything you thought would happen files out the window, and all you can do is deal with it.

BUT... I always said I would be more concerned with my son getting a girl pregnant than with my own daughter getting pregnant, because I would have less control over the situation.

 

[wanderingone]

I learned a lesson about this. It doesn't matter what you think you would do or say because when confronted with something like this you are not in charge, everything you thought would happen files out the window, and all you can do is deal with it.

EXACTLY- Even those who think they would get to force their decision and who may be able to do that would likely find the fallout is out of their control

BUT... I always said I would be more concerned with my son getting a girl pregnant than with my own daughter getting pregnant, because I would have less control over the situation.

It is awfully hard when it's your son, and it gets harder if the two parents don't manage to stay at least friends. There's nothing quite so hard as trying to be a grandmother to a child when their parent and stepfather and other grandparents wish they could forget you existed.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

Seriously? You'd take them to court and let the government decide what would happen to that baby?

Somehow, given your strong objections to the government involvement in the 13 year old life's in another thread, I find this hard to believe.

But I suppose you must view things differently when it's YOUR kid with the issues, eh?

If they are under 18, that baby is going up for adoption. If it was a son and the girl he got pregnant refused to, then I would take it court and make it very clear that, it is our intent that this baby is put up for adoption and if she refuses and decides to keep it, we waive all responsibility for that child.

If it was a daughter, that baby would be carried to term (as I believe abortion is wrong) and then would be immediately put up for adoption irrespective of her wishes.


If the child was 18-22, I'd encourage them to seriously consider adoption to the point where if they refused I would at least temporarily write them out of my will, but once they are of adult age you can't make them do something directly, all you can use are financial and social consequences that you can bring down to try to indirectly influence them.

 

[WiredSpirit]

Either way I think I'd have to get my son or daughter together with their girlfriend/boyfriend to make the decision together. I'd make sure both of them know their responsibilities should they keep the baby, and if the girl was younger than 17 I'd probably suggest abortion or adoption a little stronger, but the decision would still be theirs.

 

[Mystman]

Somehow, given your strong objections to the government involvement in the 13 year old life's in another thread, I find this hard to believe.

I can see some consistency though. In both situations, the child is treated as pure property of the parents. The parents can let the child die if they want to. The parents can force adoptions of grandchildren.

When the "I'm your parent and you're under 18!"-method of controlling the actions of the child fails, he goes for alternative methods of control (courts / removal from wills). It's an inferior way of controlling, but better something than nothing.

My uncle has a bit of that in his personality. The need to completely control the actions of his children, instead of allowing the child to make some decisions of his own. Where the advice of well-willing outside experts is opposed, only because it's seen as an intrusion into the parent's right to fully control the child.

Needless to say, the children in question don't have the best of relationships with their father, and are rebelling way worse than me and my sister ever did. So uncle got a few dogs: at least they react properly to being treated like slaves.

(not saying that Joachim actually is like the above story, but that his views would be consistent if he was. There are probably also some other ways to explain consistency. )

 

[Greeble]

As an child adopted before she was born, and on behalf of my adopted little brother who was also adopted as a newborn, I would just like to say to all those against giving up children because they don't trust people like my parents:

TTTHHHPPPPP

My Mom and Dad are my Mom and Dad. My little brother is my little brother. I wouldn't trade them in for anyone!

(and thank you, BirthMom, for not getting an abortion! Even if they were illegal then)

 

[Chajara]

If they are under 18, that baby is going up for adoption. If it was a son and the girl he got pregnant refused to, then I would take it court and make it very clear that, it is our intent that this baby is put up for adoption and if she refuses and decides to keep it, we waive all responsibility for that child.

If it was a daughter, that baby would be carried to term (as I believe abortion is wrong) and then would be immediately put up for adoption irrespective of her wishes.


If the child was 18-22, I'd encourage them to seriously consider adoption to the point where if they refused I would at least temporarily write them out of my will, but once they are of adult age you can't make them do something directly, all you can use are financial and social consequences that you can bring down to try to indirectly influence them.

If you had any idea what forcibly removing a baby from a woman who wants it and has bonded with it (which happens by time it's born, by the way) can do to her you'd never do this if you cared at all about her well-being. Personally if I were your daughter and you pulled that crap with me I'd happily choose my baby over you and disappear with it. You'd never see me again.

 

[wanderingone]

As an child adopted before she was born, and on behalf of my adopted little brother who was also adopted as a newborn, I would just like to say to all those against giving up children because they don't trust people like my parents:

TTTHHHPPPPP

My Mom and Dad are my Mom and Dad. My little brother is my little brother. I wouldn't trade them in for anyone!

(and thank you, BirthMom, for not getting an abortion! Even if they were illegal then)

It's not about not trusting people like YOUR parents, it's about the unknown. The assumption that a child will ALWAYS be better off if raised by a couple is one that didn't work for me in terms of making decisions for myself, and one I'm glad my grandson's mother didn't choose for herself. Just like you love your family I love mine. I don't think anyone has said they think adoption is wrong for all, or bad for all, just that it wouldn't be what they would want to happen.

 

[lucyclaire]

Joachim if I was a pregnant teenager and your daughter, I would run away from home before you could force an adoption....I wouldn't care about your will and you would never see your Grandchild.....I would rather live on the streets...
Do you know how many damaged people exist because their child was taken away from them? Would you really want to damage your daughter for life?

 

[Joachim]

He doesn't have any kids yet, he'll soften up. That, or he'll spend the last ten years of his life in a crappy old folks home that smells of pee, getting two visits a year

It was how I was raised and I turned out fine. I want to give my kids the same kind of parenting I got because it made me who I am today. As for old folks home. I'll always have a lawyer. Children committing me to an old folks home, yet another thing that would get them written out of my will. Plus, I plan on earning enough money in my lifetime that this will never be an issue. I will never enter an old folks home and I will never surrender my driver's license.

 

[Joachim]

I should also point out that I am going to be permissive in certain areas. I will be permissive in what kind of language they use, what kind of music they listen to. Admittedly, not how they dress. I'll also be permissive when it comes to the use of alcohol (within reason).


However, I'd be a bad parent to let the child make a decision that would completely mess up their life without making it very clear to them what the costs would be.

 

[Sammy615]

I can't believe anyone could be angry enough at their own children to write them out of your will. What happened to unconditional love?

 

[Mling]

It was how I was raised and I turned out fine. I want to give my kids the same kind of parenting I got because it made me who I am today. As for old folks home. I'll always have a lawyer. Children committing me to an old folks home, yet another thing that would get them written out of my will. Plus, I plan on earning enough money in my lifetime that this will never be an issue. I will never enter an old folks home and I will never surrender my driver's license.

Look how you turned out? Sure:

You turned out to be the sort of person who would kidnap and give away his child's child, without their consent, and use money and belongings as a club to beat his children into submission.

I'll borrow a page from Dan Savage:

You deserve to have one daughter--one--who gets pregnant at 17 and, upon hearing your plan, runs away, learns to care for her child, and lives a completely happy and responsible life which does not involve you in any way. I suppose she and your grandchild may come to your funeral, out of a sense of obligation, but certainly wouldn't stick around to hear the reading of your "stuff to make people obey me" list.

 

[wanderingone]

I should also point out that I am going to be permissive in certain areas. I will be permissive in what kind of language they use, what kind of music they listen to. Admittedly, not how they dress. I'll also be permissive when it comes to the use of alcohol (within reason).


However, I'd be a bad parent to let the child make a decision that would completely mess up their life without making it very clear to them what the costs would be.

How does parenting your own child "mess up" one's life?

 

[Penumbra]

How does parenting your own child "mess up" one's life?

It can be an obstacle to a person if they have a child before planning it, because attending college and having a career can be made more difficult, especially if their partner is not willing to help....

But for a parent to forcibly remove that child can do more harm than anything else.

 

[Jade Margery]

It was how I was raised and I turned out fine. I want to give my kids the same kind of parenting I got because it made me who I am today. As for old folks home. I'll always have a lawyer. Children committing me to an old folks home, yet another thing that would get them written out of my will. Plus, I plan on earning enough money in my lifetime that this will never be an issue. I will never enter an old folks home and I will never surrender my driver's license.

Do you really want the kind of relationship with your child where you need a lawyer to ensure that you receive decent treatment in your old age? You'll keep your drivers license for as long as you're a safe driver, and you'll stay out of an old folks home for as long as you can live by yourself--which, looking at the average life cycle of a middle class American, won't be forever. But you won't be able to force your kids to take you in, and you'll have no choice but to go into a home if they won't, or at least hire full time care. And you can 'plan on' earning lots of money, and maybe you'll succeed. Or maybe the economy will flop over and your retirement will disappear in a puff of fail. Either way, it sure would be nice to know you could rely on your kids...

But unless you raise some especially greedy buggers who can't wait for you to die, writing someone out of your will is going to have all the impact of slapping them with a noodle. It's just petty, not to mention offensive to assume that you can buy their devotion or pay them to give up their own child. (Perhaps its not a bad system after all... the kind of person who would put a baby up for adoption just so they can get some money when their own father dies probably shouldn't be raising kids anyway.)

By the way, what if your wife had some strong objections about this sort of thing? Assuming you still had a wife by then?

 

[PreachersWife2004]

I should also point out that I am going to be permissive in certain areas. I will be permissive in what kind of language they use, what kind of music they listen to. Admittedly, not how they dress. I'll also be permissive when it comes to the use of alcohol (within reason).

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, another good laugh today at CF.

Dude, you have SO MUCH to learn about parenting.

So...you won't let your daughter wear miniskirts but you'll probably let her drink some vodka when she's underage while swearing like a sailor (no offense to sailors!). Nice.

However, I'd be a bad parent to let the child make a decision that would completely mess up their life without making it very clear to them what the costs would be.

And again, this is a slightly different attitude than the one you are taking towards the mom in the other thread. She's obviously not making it clear to her son what his actions may result in. If you did this, that would make you a bad parent...but not her??

I am SO confused by you.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

oh, and anyone who threatens to write their children out of their will is practicing what I call "emotional blackmail".

 

[Joachim]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, another good laugh today at CF.

Dude, you have SO MUCH to learn about parenting.

So...you won't let your daughter wear miniskirts but you'll probably let her drink some vodka when she's underage while swearing like a sailor (no offense to sailors!). Nice.

Both things that you cannot prevent your children from doing, and which most of them will do behind your back. If you know that they are going to drink (if just from personal experience) then why not make sure that it is done in a monitored environment where they aren't out roaming the streets for it.


As for everyone criticizing the adoption stance. I don't think people realize how much of a burden a child can be to an 18 year old. We also don't live in a country that has a good social safety net. Now, if this country provided free of charge childcare for mothers under the age of 24, and provided a system whereby a young mother (or young parents) could attend college if they say, had a child at 18, while still raising the child, then my position would not be as it is, because then, they would be able to both keep the child and have a future. However, this is not the case. We tell two teenagers who get pregnant that they simply have to give up on their future and work minimum wage for the rest of their lives. I would be a bad parent if I simply just accepted this as something normal and wonderful and went along with it without any criticism.


The reason I cannot back abortion is because I do believe it is murder. I can understand fully why those who don't believe it is murder would justify it, because if it is not murder then this is a case where it would be justified. However, it is murder and as such it cannot be justified.


I also believe in welfare to work, but I believe that if a welfare mother wants to actually go to school so that she can aspire to a better job than something minimum wage, we have an obligation to give her that opportunity, even if it means keeping her on welfare and paying for her kids childcare while she earns that degree. She shouldn't get paid to just sit and watch TV and devise ways to gain larger checks, but if she wants to improve her prospects beyond where they currently lie we as a society should not punish her for it.