What do you do with a hitter?

[HeKnowsMyName]

I'm at my wits end! DS (2.5) has been hitting since I don't know when. He hits us (not very often), his sister, his cousins, etc. Last night he whacked another little boy upside the head. I really don't know what provoked him. I only saw the end where he hit the other boy.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

 

[Hadassah]

My son is in a hitting stage lately, and I haven't a clue what has brought it on. The only thing I know to do is keep stopping him if you can, and instructing him about how hitting hurts others. Maybe he doesn't know there is pain associated with the action he does?

I'd start some time outs or other punishment when you know he's doing it though.

 

[Sabertooth]

We would slap the back of the hand (s)he used, just enough to sting, and say "No hitting!" It worked for most of them (even my nonverbal autistic DD), but one DS, now 15yo, seems to have deeper seated problems.

 

[HeatherJay]

I do not believe that hitting the child teaches them not to hit. It teaches them to fear you. It teaches them that a bigger person hitting a smaller person works. It teaches them that "might makes right." What it does NOT do is to help them understand why hitting is wrong. It does not help them to understand compassion or to be sensitive to the feelings of others. It does not help them to understand that hitting others is ALWAYS wrong...because how can it be wrong if mommy and daddy do it?

I think the key is figuring out what triggers the hitting (anger, frustration, tiredness, etc) and helping the child learn appropriate ways to express those emotions. Teaching the child to verbally express their emotion is a big one. And teaching them that it's okay to verbally express emotion. Be watchful when the child is in situations with other children, and if you see him/her reaching that level of emotion where hitting might happen, step in and give the child alternatives to that...reminding the child to use words, giving a hug and helping them breathe deeply (or other relaxation techniques), etc.

 

[Sabertooth]

There is a difference between being a bully and judicious use of authoritative force.

The Bible supports the latter in Romans 13:1-5. I have only proposed a child-sized dose of the same principle.

Ultimately, God wants us all to have a degree of fear of Him ( Ps. 19:9, 111:10, Prov. 1:7, 9:10, 10:27, 14:27, 15:33, 16:6, 19:23) and, to some extent, those He has rightfully placed as authorities in our lives. And, if you think that is just God in the Old Testament, there is Acts 9:31 & Php. 2:12. God is not a bully, but He IS a Judge. Rightful authorities, like parents & police, aren't to be confused with bullies, either, as long as they wield their God-given authority as compatible with their station.

I do not believe that hitting the child teaches them not to hit. It teaches them to fear you. It teaches them that a bigger person hitting a smaller person works. It teaches them that "might makes right." What it does NOT do is to help them understand why hitting is wrong. It does not help them to understand compassion or to be sensitive to the feelings of others. It does not help them to understand that hitting others is ALWAYS wrong...because how can it be wrong if mommy and daddy do it?

I think the key is figuring out what triggers the hitting (anger, frustration, tiredness, etc) and helping the child learn appropriate ways to express those emotions. Teaching the child to verbally express their emotion is a big one. And teaching them that it's okay to verbally express emotion. Be watchful when the child is in situations with other children, and if you see him/her reaching that level of emotion where hitting might happen, step in and give the child alternatives to that...reminding the child to use words, giving a hug and helping them breathe deeply (or other relaxation techniques), etc.

 

[HeatherJay]

Preach all you want...I think it's hypocritical. And I think that violence in any form or to any degree is wrong. Sorry, my mind's not changin'...

 

[tiredwalker]

I was spanked as a child and I never thought of it in terms of might makes right. It was, if I do this again, this is the punishment I get. I think that many people do it wrong and are abusive/noneffective. My parents tried everything else and honestly, spanking is really what got my attention. They could put me in time-out all day, but my imagination was so good that I would pretend I was having an adventure in the popcorn on the ceiling. Nothing else would phase me, but a spanking, that would get my attention.

Every case it different. I don't think it's always bad, and I don't think it is always the answer. It's best to find other options, but in some cases, a spanking is the only thing that will be effective.

 

[moerunamida]

I was spanked as a child and I never thought of it in terms of might makes right. It was, if I do this again, this is the punishment I get. I think that many people do it wrong and are abusive/noneffective. My parents tried everything else and honestly, spanking is really what got my attention. They could put me in time-out all day, but my imagination was so good that I would pretend I was having an adventure in the popcorn on the ceiling. Nothing else would phase me, but a spanking, that would get my attention.

Every case it different. I don't think it's always bad, and I don't think it is always the answer. It's best to find other options, but in some cases, a spanking is the only thing that will be effective.

Same. I got sent to the corner a lot, but it didn't phase me. Spanking on the other hand, got my attention. Fear is a useful tool. That is what makes cops so affective. Also, we are to love AND fear our Heavenly father. Fear does not have to mean terrified, but it should mean respectable fear. I feared the spankings of my parents if I did something wrong, and it made me think twice about doing something bad.

 

[Robinsegg]

Ok, ladies . . . let's *not* make this discussion about spanking or not!

One thing I've done with another person's child who hit me was take the offending hand, hold it away from me and firmly say "no".

Something else I might do is say "If I can't trust you to use your hands nicely, I will have to hold on to it" . . . and then gently but firmly hold his hand and he stays with me. This restricts freedom of motion a bit, but also gets the point across very quickly that the behavior is unacceptable.

Could this just be an issue of not understanding his own strength? If so, practice on a doll or stuffed animal using "gentle hands". This can be very effective for retraining in this sort of issue. You start with the doll, then move to you, then move to others. Then, a simple reminder of "gentle" or some such can be used to redirect touching.

Ihth!
Rachel

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Ok, ladies . . . let's *not* make this discussion about spanking or not!

Thanks Rachel! I was a bit concerned about putting this here because of the debate it might cause, but I really need help with this. I don't want people to see my child coming and say Oh No! LOL

I honestly don't know what provoked him to hit the little boy the other night. I didn't see anything, but I can't say that I was paying that much attention until I saw him hit him. I know his sister provokes him and sometimes I can't blame him for whacking her one. When he hits us, it's because we won't let him do something and he is frustrated or angry.

 

[Robinsegg]

When he hits us, it's because we won't let him do something and he is frustrated or angry.

Something that's worked for us is teaching our kids to blow out really hard (like to blow out birthday candles) when they're angry! It helps them get out all the frustrated energy so they can talk to us better. You might try teaching him some kind of stress-relieving technique like that for when he gets frustrated.
R

 

[Leanna]

Prissanna, if you can't trust her to be anywhere but by your side you ensure that she never leaves your side. My 2 year old has been hitting so I'm on her like a fly on fly paper. She does not leave my side, except at home. I am her official stalker so that I can prevent her from hitting and provide her with the correct skills, "you may ask for the toy" etc.

I do have to confess I find it ironic to the point of laughing when someone hits their child to say don't hit. LOL.