If you have MIL/FIL issues

[llghoney]

I' m so drained by not wanting to see my MIL/FIL that it's to the point of wanting to move away from here. I don't like them & probably never will. My husband is always saying that is not christian. To which he uses that to try to make me feel bad. It doesn't work. I can't help the way I feel & the way they are. How do you handle these situations? Especially with not really wanting your children around them either. We had a kinda incident about 3 mnths ago to which my husband actually stood up for me. Now he has turned around again & is backing down from everything he told his mother. It's so bad I could care less if I ever saw them. They had never been to our house (we've lived here 4 yrs) until we had our daughter. And now they are wanting to come often. His mom had only come to our house in 10 years one time before our daughter was born.

 

[Linnis]

Why does he feel it's unchristian not to like someone?

What exactly are your problems/issues with your in-laws?

 

[Birbitt]

I too dislike my MIL/FIL but for us it's never been a problem because my DH doesn't like them either so together we made the decision to move away from them. I do remember a little of the problems you have with them but have things gotten worse since you last talked about it? What is pushing you so hard to want to move? If it bothers you that they come so often try putting a limit on how often you will accept guests...ANY guest that way your DH can't say you are picking on his parents. Maybe set up one day per week that you would be willing to have GUESTS and make everyone stick to that.

 

[llghoney]

Why does he feel it's unchristian not to like someone?

What exactly are your problems/issues with your in-laws?

He just thinks it is. I probably need some scriptue if there is any.

Well, they drink, cuss, swear, smoke, you name it really. But they pretend to be "good" people. The fact that they never came to our house & now they want to come bothers me. They just think they can step right in because we had a child. And him telling his mom things & then backing down from them is what drives me crazy. And all he can say to me "Is that christian like" He thinks I need to just get over them & be nice & play happy go lucky. I can't.

I too dislike my MIL/FIL but for us it's never been a problem because my DH doesn't like them either so together we made the decision to move away from them. I do remember a little of the problems you have with them but have things gotten worse since you last talked about it? What is pushing you so hard to want to move? If it bothers you that they come so often try putting a limit on how often you will accept guests...ANY guest that way your DH can't say you are picking on his parents. Maybe set up one day per week that you would be willing to have GUESTS and make everyone stick to that.

Yes, we all went to eat lunch one Sunday & his sister was with them & tried to take Grace & she was hungry & she was wanting pics & such & it perturbed me. So I made a comment about this is not Sears. It spiraled & my husband went to talk to his mom & told her some things. One being that to have a relationship with our daughter she had to care about us/ me too. I am my daughters mother after all. She was supposedly suppose to call but never did. This was about 2 mnths ago. And just like my husband, I guess they think everything is ok but it isn't. I just don't like them. It's making me resent my husband big time.

 

[heart of peace]

((((hugs))))

Prayers for you. God is in control, just hand all your burdens to Him, He wants to work it out for you.

 

[llghoney]

Thanks! I'm not making excuses but I have many many times put it in his hands. It seems that this situation in never going to be resolved while with my H is what I feel I am being lead too. There is a lot more to what they have done as well. It just never ends & is draining.

 

[Singin4Him]

That sounds all to familiar to me! My in-laws are a nightmare, particularly my MIL who has some mental issues. They are very selfish and could care less about me, to them I am just their son's wife and not their daughter-in-law. Once I had my son it became all about him, I understand you comment about the photoshoot that was going on. When my in-laws are here it becomes one big photoshoot and there have been times when they are almost holding him down to get a photo with him where I have had to say "that's enough, he doesn't want a picture." As his mother you have to put your foot down and draw a line somewhere. Understand your husband feels put in the middle and he probably has a hard time upsetting them. My in-laws have used manipulation to get my husband to give them their way and I just had step in and said "no you will not do this anymore" if that offends them or makes me think I'm the decision maker in their family so be it. I will not let them treat my husband and certainly not my son that way.

Stand up for what is best for your child and your family but be gentle in what you say to your husband about his parents because you don't want to allow them to cause conflict in your marriage. The more you bash your husband's parents to your husband the more conflicted your husband will feel and this will create more conflict in your marriage.

 

[llghoney]

That sounds all to familiar to me! My in-laws are a nightmare, particularly my MIL who has some mental issues. They are very selfish and could care less about me, to them I am just their son's wife and not their daughter-in-law. Once I had my son it became all about him, I understand you comment about the photoshoot that was going on. When my in-laws are here it becomes one big photoshoot and there have been times when they are almost holding him down to get a photo with him where I have had to say "that's enough, he doesn't want a picture." As his mother you have to put your foot down and draw a line somewhere. Understand your husband feels put in the middle and he probably has a hard time upsetting them. My in-laws have used manipulation to get my husband to give them their way and I just had step in and said "no you will not do this anymore" if that offends them or makes me think I'm the decision maker in their family so be it. I will not let them treat my husband and certainly not my son that way.

Stand up for what is best for your child and your family but be gentle in what you say to your husband about his parents because you don't want to allow them to cause conflict in your marriage. The more you bash your husband's parents to your husband the more conflicted your husband will feel and this will create more conflict in your marriage.

See this is where I get frustrated is, why do husbands allow their parents to do that to them? Especially if they are affecting their own family(wife & child)

 

[Singin4Him]

See this is where I get frustrated is, why do husbands allow their parents to do that to them? Especially if they are affecting their own family(wife & child)

Well I can't speak for your husband but while it is completely wrong I do know that my husband has been manipulated by his parents his entire life. They have an emotional hold on him that is very hard for him to cut off. In the past if he did not give them their way they, his mother particularly would cry and throw a fit. She would say and do things that are just ridiculous and realy hurt him. So he always dreads those dealing with her drama if he has to tell them no about something or if we couldn't give them exactly what they want. I finally just started being the bad guy if it took the stress and pressure off of my husband. It's about what is best for my family and in the end that is all that matters.

 

[llghoney]

That is exactly what they do to my husband. But see it's made me very very resentful towards him becasue he can't hold his ground. I don't mind being the bad guy like you have done. I don't want my child being around anyone, family or not, that is going to act like I don't exist. They make him feel guilty for not helping them & it return it has caused major problems for us. Ex: His dad has a $31,000 yes $31,000 CC debt that has gotten on my husbands credit. They ahve the same first name. Anyway it has caused us not to be able to re-finance or anything really. Yet my H still takes their side. He sees them doing NO wrong.

 

[ChristianMama84]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!! I've had some major inlaw problems in the past, but they've started getting better since we only see them once a week for up to 3 hours. They get to play with Remy and before his mom can really annoy me, we leave. Our marriage is better, we're happier, and I am starting to like his parents better. Talk to your husband and tell him how you've really tried to like them, but you just can't (explain why, don't let him interrupt), and ask if you can ecompromise on how often they visit. OR, just visit them once a week (maybe on Sunday between church services so you always have some place else to be) and after a few hours make up an excuse to go home (besides I need to mak dinner or you'll never get out of there!!).

 

[bliz]

Get some marriage counseling. This is not going to go away or get better by itself. Claerly your husband has some issues with his parents that he needs to work on. Your husband's response has basically been to keep his parents happy. Let him choose who to turn to for counseling.

 

[llghoney]

Get some marriage counseling. This is not going to go away or get better by itself. Claerly your husband has some issues with his parents that he needs to work on. Your husband's response has basically been to keep his parents happy. Let him choose who to turn to for counseling.

yep! Do u mean him make the decision?

 

[bliz]

yep! Do u mean him make the decision?

I meant that it will probably go better if he chooses the counselor. A Christian man who counsels from a Christian perspective.

A husband is to leave his faher and moher and cleve to his wife. That's not happening. I'm not saying you should always get your way, but you need to know that he always has your best interests at heart and that your welfare and your children's welfare comes first, after his relationship with God. And his parents should be encouraging that as well, but they clearly are not. But it's pointless for you to say it, and it will probably no go over well coming from another woman.

 

[llghoney]

this is funny because I have told him that many times & it doesn't go over well. He thinks because I am a christian I'm suppose to get walked over. His parents are not christian.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I' m so drained by not wanting to see my MIL/FIL that it's to the point of wanting to move away from here. I don't like them & probably never will. My husband is always saying that is not christian. To which he uses that to try to make me feel bad. It doesn't work. I can't help the way I feel & the way they are. How do you handle these situations? Especially with not really wanting your children around them either. We had a kinda incident about 3 mnths ago to which my husband actually stood up for me. Now he has turned around again & is backing down from everything he told his mother. It's so bad I could care less if I ever saw them. They had never been to our house (we've lived here 4 yrs) until we had our daughter. And now they are wanting to come often. His mom had only come to our house in 10 years one time before our daughter was born.

Don't be guilty for how you feel. You must protect yourself as well and constantly being drained or belittled by negative people just slowly destroys you, what you stand for, and what you could achieve. I was with my now ex whose grandmother drove me bonkers. She didnt like how I was raising my baby and then spread rumors about me to the other family I rarely saw, trying to claim I wasn't feeding him, leaving him in the crib all day, etc. She was never at the house so even if these terrible things were true, she never would have know it. My ex even started listening to her as she always had a big influence over him, and he was at work most of the day. She would come throw food from my fridge that I thought was good, rearrange my cupboards, dissaprove and comment on how I folded towels and did the laundry, cleaned, and of course made comments I wasn't taking care of my ex well enough with feeding HIM and everything.

 

[llghoney]

Gosh I can relate to your ex's grandmother in that my mom is kinda like that. I tell her though!

It really wasn't as big of a issue til our daughter was born. They stayed away. But still manipulated my husband in needing things. I did tell my husband that I will NOT tolerate someone disrepsecting me in front of my daughter no matter who they were. They are the type to when my daughter gets older to try to make her against her mommy.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Gosh I can relate to your ex's grandother in that my mom is kinda like that. I tell her though!

It really wasn't as big of a issue til our daughter was born. They stayed away. But still manipulated my husband in needing things. I did tell myhsuband that I will NOT tolerate someone disrepsectingn me in front of my daughter no matter who they were. They are the type to when my daughter gets older to try to make her against her mommy.

Yep same here, it was worse when I had Gage. It's just sad people have to be like that at all.