Friends first, relationship later...

[Dean Anderson]

I've never been very good at remaining "just friends" with someone I was interested in dating. It usually lasts about a week before I get involved in a relationship.

However, my last relationship started with our first date and it was the longest I've ever had (10 months). We got too physical (don't worry, we never had sex), and never really talked (not that I ever really talked to my previous two either). So, she broke up with me due to communication problems.

We decided the break up was caused, in part, due to the fact that we were never really friends. So we stayed friends, and, though we see each other once a week (I go to college, she's taking a semester off due to personal reasons), we talk on the phone virtually every day. We hold hands a lot more often than we used to, and we talk a lot more than we used to. We're dating as "just friends" right now, because she's not ready for a relationship at the moment (her personal reasons).

What is everyone's opinion on the friends first thing? Is that how you prefer your relationships to start?

 

[LadyOfMystery]

I like the idea of being friends first. But sometimes you just feel so connected to someone already that I don't think you necessarily have to be friends first. I guess it all depends on the situation.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Much of it seems to depend on the situation, but I can say that it is probably be better to be friends first because feelings can come, go and change, but as friends you have a much better foundation. I think that it's best to be friends first, and when the time is right start dating. I think rushing into things can cause a lot of problems, even though sometimes it turns out fine.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

The one caution I would give you is to guard your heart. I've often thought it would be wonderful to date and fall in love with a friend but I've learned that it can be a very tricky things. Sometimes one person's romantic feelings develop while the other persons doesn't and people can get hurt (see my emotional boyfriend/girlfriend thread http://christianforums.com/t6803686-emotional-boyfriend-girlfriend.html )

I'm not saying that it isn't possible - I'm just saying be very, very careful and be very honest and upfront through the entire friendship.

 

[RosaVernal]

I start with a friendship. It tends to throw attractive women off-base when I just want to be friends, and it makes seducing them a lot easier - and no, I don't mean sleeping with them.

 

[gottabemore2life]

Do friends kiss?

Just kidding.

It's IMPERATIVE to be friends first, IMHO.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I prefer to get to know someone as a friend for a few months and let things develop into more later.

 

[SonicBOOM]

depends on the over-all "flow" of the relationship. Either way I think there is a flow to every relationship and the wise are the ones who follow it. Like I understand the dangers of jumping to fast but going to slow has it's dangers as well. You tend to let your heart get attatched overtime and if it is meant to be nothing but a freindship in the end than trust me.... it REALLY hurts. I've expreinced it. Thats why i will remain freinds with someone until I like them.... and than io will try to make the next step right away. At least ask them out. because if i don't than i have unresolved feelings for the person and I'm entitled to get hurt alot more if I don't tell them straight out how I feel.

 

[Manda_24]

I have always been for being friends first. That's actually how the relationship I'm in now started and I wouldn't change it. We knew each other for a couple years and then recently started hanging out more, I'd go over to his house and work on homework and watch TV with him and his roommate then that turned into him asking me to a movie as friends then one night we just had a talk about where our relationship was going. I learned a lot about him and his family, and him the same with me, by just being friends first. I learned a lot about his personality and stuff too. You'd learn about the same things by just starting dating but I liked it this way.

 

[mina]

It's good to be friends first, but not get lost in the friendship. I think it's fine to start out as friends but not deny any mutual attraction that is there. If you like them, you have to tread carefully i think.

 

[JonMiller]

I prefer freinds first and my relationships don't start.

JM

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I was exclusive with my now-fiance two weeks after our first date. The whole idea that you can't grow as both friends and lovers at the same time, is a crock, and one that is a relatively new idea. It's false.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

The whole idea that you can't grow as both friends and lovers at the same time, is a crock...

I agree!

 

[Sketcher]

I really don't know how you could build trust otherwise.

 

[GQ Chris]

getting "friendzoned" is No Fun

 

[JonMiller]

I was exclusive with my now-fiance two weeks after our first date. The whole idea that you can't grow as both friends and lovers at the same time, is a crock, and one that is a relatively new idea. It's false.

I agree...

However, that still doesn't stop my 'shy' side from not wanting to be in a relationship if we aren't emotionally close.

JM

 

[crombiegirl27]

It's always worked best when I'm NOT already friends with a guy. It's hard for me to make that transition from friends to more than friends. Thats just me

 

[Apollo Celestio]

Much of it seems to depend on the situation, but I can say that it is probably be better to be friends first because feelings can come, go and change, but as friends you have a much better foundation. I think that it's best to be friends first, and when the time is right start dating. I think rushing into things can cause a lot of problems, even though sometimes it turns out fine.

Maybe so, but relationships like that can ruin friendships. I have seen it for myself, and sort of fear it...

 

[JPPT1974]

It isn't hard for me to be
Friends with men and that
Really, just make sure that
You are accountable for what
You do and say.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I really don't know how you could build trust otherwise.

Easy. Go on dates first. That's when you get to know each other.