Mental Hijack

[Andoverpolo]

I'm screwing up badly. I've got a lot of anger and for reasons completely unknown to me I push that all on my wife, usually by shouting but sometimes by pushing or hitting. What frightens me more is that I do not remember it most of the time and I do not know when it happens. I can feel it building up but at the time it makes sense and feels under control, and then from nowhere my mind just goes blank and I come out of a daze to see my wife crying and people staring and afraid of me.

It's pulling me down very quickly, I have to practically drink myself into a coma so I don't think about what I've done.

What should I do? My psychologist and anger coach both say it will take time, I don't have time. I don't want to hurt my wife, I don't want my kids to be afraid of me and I'd like to be better. I feel like some kind of monster.

Does anybody know what to do?

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I think your psychologist can help you the most in knowing what to do to help. If you feel like your wife isn't safe from you, then you need to discuss that with your psychologist and your wife. It's good this is upsetting, because that means you don't like it, and it sounds like you are willing to make the changes you need to make.

I don't have any quick answers for you... it is a process of learning to control ourselves whether it's anger, or anxiety or making positive changes in our lives.

 

[Andoverpolo]

I think your psychologist can help you the most in knowing what to do to help. If you feel like your wife isn't safe from you, then you need to discuss that with your psychologist and your wife. It's good this is upsetting, because that means you don't like it, and it sounds like you are willing to make the changes you need to make.

I don't have any quick answers for you... it is a process of learning to control ourselves whether it's anger, or anxiety or making positive changes in our lives.

Hi.

Thanks. Everywhere I go folks say it takes time. I don't have time. I think if I just work really hard at this I can make things work soon. I just don't have professionals that support me, like I have psychologists and all that, but they want everything to slow down. We talk about the same things every week and every week nothing improves.

My wife is seeking a divorce, I'm granting it but I'm not allowing her to annul our marriage. I think it is safer for her and the kids to stay away from me right now.

I am going to collapse if I do not have a home to come back to for too long a time. Isn't there a solution instead of this long term search for "progress"

 

[FaithfulWife]

Speaking as one who has gone through individual counseling and domestic violence, I can testify that there is no "quick fix" to this and also reconfirm that it does take time. Most likely it took time for you to get to the place you are now--and it will take time to evaluate it all and get help

However, may I give you a few encouragements? I believe it is wise of you to allow your wife and children some space away from you for their safety. Do you think she would consider a separation during the time that you are working on yourself and going through counseling--rather than seeking divorce right away? Yes, I do understand that it may be hard for you to be without them, but it is showing them the greatest love to recognize that they need to be safe and right now that is now the case when they are with you. Then, while they are apart from you , you can concentrate on your counseling and working on changing yourself.

With regard to your psychologist and anger coach, I would suggest that you may not LIKE what they have to say but I would request that you listen to them because they are trained professionals. It might be an idea to ask them to give you a specific task, or "homework" that you can work on in between appointments so that you feel you are making progress. I know that for me, it felt like I was doing something pro-active if I had "homework" to do and I could track my "homework" every day in between appointments. Here's what I mean by "homework" (this is only an example): "Make a list of every time you felt any kind of anger--from slight irritation to full-blown rage. Note the date, the time, and what happened immediately before and after the anger."

I'm sorry there's not a "quick fix" but you can learn how to express your anger appropriately, and we will be here to encourage you!


~Faithful

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Um, I'm concerned that you don't remember it afterwards; you just come out of some fog and see people looking at you like you're a monster. Have you ever had a brain scan? Some forms of epilepsy can do that to people... I would recommend that you see a doctor fast, to see if something is going on with your physical brain.

 

[Andoverpolo]

Speaking as one who has gone through individual counseling and domestic violence, I can testify that there is no "quick fix" to this and also reconfirm that it does take time. Most likely it took time for you to get to the place you are now--and it will take time to evaluate it all and get help

However, may I give you a few encouragements? I believe it is wise of you to allow your wife and children some space away from you for their safety. Do you think she would consider a separation during the time that you are working on yourself and going through counseling--rather than seeking divorce right away? Yes, I do understand that it may be hard for you to be without them, but it is showing them the greatest love to recognize that they need to be safe and right now that is now the case when they are with you. Then, while they are apart from you , you can concentrate on your counseling and working on changing yourself.

With regard to your psychologist and anger coach, I would suggest that you may not LIKE what they have to say but I would request that you listen to them because they are trained professionals. It might be an idea to ask them to give you a specific task, or "homework" that you can work on in between appointments so that you feel you are making progress. I know that for me, it felt like I was doing something pro-active if I had "homework" to do and I could track my "homework" every day in between appointments. Here's what I mean by "homework" (this is only an example): "Make a list of every time you felt any kind of anger--from slight irritation to full-blown rage. Note the date, the time, and what happened immediately before and after the anger."

I'm sorry there's not a "quick fix" but you can learn how to express your anger appropriately, and we will be here to encourage you!


~Faithful

We've tried a separation, it did not work. I manipulatively used the kids and our joint accounts et. c. to draw her back; a divorce gives her specific legal protections which I think keep her safer. She's Catholic, and I'm religious enough to consider this just a legal step and not end end of our marriage. We are not pursuing an annulment. We would be married, just not as far as the government is concerned.

I'm not used to the idea of taking things slow. This is going to be difficult. Tell me more about this homework idea, I like that, it sounds proactive.

 

[Andoverpolo]

Um, I'm concerned that you don't remember it afterwards; you just come out of some fog and see people looking at you like you're a monster. Have you ever had a brain scan? Some forms of epilepsy can do that to people... I would recommend that you see a doctor fast, to see if something is going on with your physical brain.

It is very difficult to explain, the best I can do is call it a mental hijacking. The anger builds up to a certain point (and feels justified and rational), I'm shouting and then all of a sudden I have the sensation that I'm doing something and then everybody is staring at me and I can't remember what happened.

All I usually can remember is that looking back on it I wasn't justified or rational when I was building up to whatever happened. It's always something trivial and I either bring all kinds of unrelated stuff into it, or it's trivial and I blow it to irrational proportions.

It is really difficult to describe. I know what I've done mostly by people's reactions and I can't handle it, so I try to get away as soon as possible.

It can't be epilepsy, I was screened for everything under the sun back when I was flying, I still have regular checkups that are pretty thorough, they wouldn't miss that.

 

[FaithfulWife]

You asked about "homework"--here are a few examples I've done in my counseling:

Define anger--what happens in your mind--what happens in your body

Anger vs. Fear (note each time your angry and see if there's also something your afraid of each time)

Where did you learn about anger from? How did you mom react to anger? Your dad? Your friends?

What do you get out of it? (yes anger can cost us, but we also somehow think we get something out of it--what did you get?)

Cost of Anger (every time you're angry, what did it cost you? What does it cost society?)

Signs of Anger (every time you're angry, notice your body right before, during and after the anger. Do you hold your breath? Do you feel it in your stomach or chest?)

Those are a few examples of the kinds of "homework" a counselor or anger coach might give you to help you work with your anger. Once you learn where you learned it from, how it feels when it's coming, etc. you can learn how to deal with it more appropriately. Does that make sense? And by the way, please remember that I'm just another member here on CF who has been through some counseling and found this stuff helpful. For me, I like to feel like I'm "doing something" and "homework" was really helpful--so I could be "doing something" to fix it in between appointments. I'm sure your psychologist and anger coach can provide professional guidance!



~Faithful

 

[AxionEsti]

Sleep deprivation can also cause blackouts.

 

[Andoverpolo]

You asked about "homework"--here are a few examples I've done in my counseling:

Define anger--what happens in your mind--what happens in your body

Anger vs. Fear (note each time your angry and see if there's also something your afraid of each time)

Where did you learn about anger from? How did you mom react to anger? Your dad? Your friends?

What do you get out of it? (yes anger can cost us, but we also somehow think we get something out of it--what did you get?)

Cost of Anger (every time you're angry, what did it cost you? What does it cost society?)

Signs of Anger (every time you're angry, notice your body right before, during and after the anger. Do you hold your breath? Do you feel it in your stomach or chest?)

Those are a few examples of the kinds of "homework" a counselor or anger coach might give you to help you work with your anger. Once you learn where you learned it from, how it feels when it's coming, etc. you can learn how to deal with it more appropriately. Does that make sense? And by the way, please remember that I'm just another member here on CF who has been through some counseling and found this stuff helpful. For me, I like to feel like I'm "doing something" and "homework" was really helpful--so I could be "doing something" to fix it in between appointments. I'm sure your psychologist and anger coach can provide professional guidance!



~Faithful

Thanks. That's useful.

 

[AxionEsti]

Prayers for you to overcome all of this.