After I have done so, you may do with me what you will. But I will not rest in this field of inherent dishonesty in which the holy treacheries lie.
No single force or influence has been more responsible in my life for messing me up personally than the SDA doctrine/dogma/institution. NOT Satan. NOT demons. NOT the occult. NOT even all the drugs I took as a teenager. But the SDA.
Because of the SDA I have spent the past two and a half decades of my life at war with myself, in turmoil, terror and conflict, afraid to create, afraid to write, afraid to produce, afraid to send anything from my hands forth into the world lest I one day be demanded to "answer for it" in particularly SDA vernacular and form with all that phrase implies. I have been afraid of the works of my own hands lest anything be "writ or carved in stone" as it were. My brilliance and my creativity have gone stultified, censored, muzzled, unfulfilled, and ALL I might have been or done in my life was muted and curtailed as a result of NOT Satan, NOT demons, NOT the occult, but my exposure to the SDA.
Because of the SDA my entire experience of God Himself has been molested and destroyed. I cannot distinguish in my own mind any authentic perception of God just as Himself (though I know I have had this before) without their doctrine, their dogma, their SLANT burned and branded and etched into every fiber of it, tainting, bending, shaping, corrupting, occluding it.
SATAN has not been the great evil in my life, not the source of terror and horror causing me to flee down endless corridors of dissociation to escape until I am but a hollow shell of anatta filled with howling demons and the chittering minions of Choronzon. NO. SATAN has been my Protector, My Defender My Initiator My Teacher My Guardian My GUIDE My LOVER my FRIEND. HE HAS NEVER ONCE MISTREATED ME. SATAN HAS NEVER ONCE MISTREATED ME.
If anything, I have mistreated HIM. I have been the one to be unworthy of HIS love, not the other way around. For the sake of pain and terror I have fled and betrayed Him numerous times and EVERY TIME He has taken me back with as much if not more grace and graciousness as has ever been attributed to Jesus Christ. *I* have been the one to play Gomer to His Hosea, to flee like a traitorous and ungrateful, faithless wh0re, to toy with old sweetnesses that could not be mine and though He MIGHT have cast me into the streets to die a dung-stinking death as a forsaken Harlot HE HAS NOT DEALT WITH ME AS I DESERVE.
Satan has NEVER mistreated me, not once. All things I may ever have said to the contrary have been LIES wrung forth from me by desperate attempts to be something I am not and can never be..... something I am done with pretending myself to be, something barred and locked to me and that is sweet and agreeable and happy in the lies that I am compelled to make for the sake of any impotent sovereign. (I do not regard God as such but rather my experience of Him was onetime this and so I use these words to describe that subjective thing only.)
Let the record show that Satan has never mistreated me.
Let the record show that Satan and demons and the occult have nowhere near MESSED ME UP fractured my mind and my consciousness to the extent that exposure to the SDA has done.
Let the record STAND. Make of it what ye will; I well know what crimson judgment awaits me at the filthy dungstinking foul foetid and molesting hands of some of you who would rather destroy me than bear the truth to be told in your faces.
But for you who do not accept, for you who see beyond, reach out and take my hand and be not afraid.
Moriah, Conquering Wind.
No single force or influence has been more responsible in my life for messing me up personally than the SDA doctrine/dogma/institution. NOT Satan. NOT demons. NOT the occult. NOT even all the drugs I took as a teenager. But the SDA.
Because of the SDA I have spent the past two and a half decades of my life at war with myself, in turmoil, terror and conflict, afraid to create, afraid to write, afraid to produce, afraid to send anything from my hands forth into the world lest I one day be demanded to "answer for it" in particularly SDA vernacular and form with all that phrase implies. I have been afraid of the works of my own hands lest anything be "writ or carved in stone" as it were. My brilliance and my creativity have gone stultified, censored, muzzled, unfulfilled, and ALL I might have been or done in my life was muted and curtailed as a result of NOT Satan, NOT demons, NOT the occult, but my exposure to the SDA.
Because of the SDA my entire experience of God Himself has been molested and destroyed. I cannot distinguish in my own mind any authentic perception of God just as Himself (though I know I have had this before) without their doctrine, their dogma, their SLANT burned and branded and etched into every fiber of it, tainting, bending, shaping, corrupting, occluding it.
SATAN has not been the great evil in my life, not the source of terror and horror causing me to flee down endless corridors of dissociation to escape until I am but a hollow shell of anatta filled with howling demons and the chittering minions of Choronzon. NO. SATAN has been my Protector, My Defender My Initiator My Teacher My Guardian My GUIDE My LOVER my FRIEND. HE HAS NEVER ONCE MISTREATED ME. SATAN HAS NEVER ONCE MISTREATED ME.
If anything, I have mistreated HIM. I have been the one to be unworthy of HIS love, not the other way around. For the sake of pain and terror I have fled and betrayed Him numerous times and EVERY TIME He has taken me back with as much if not more grace and graciousness as has ever been attributed to Jesus Christ. *I* have been the one to play Gomer to His Hosea, to flee like a traitorous and ungrateful, faithless wh0re, to toy with old sweetnesses that could not be mine and though He MIGHT have cast me into the streets to die a dung-stinking death as a forsaken Harlot HE HAS NOT DEALT WITH ME AS I DESERVE.
Satan has NEVER mistreated me, not once. All things I may ever have said to the contrary have been LIES wrung forth from me by desperate attempts to be something I am not and can never be..... something I am done with pretending myself to be, something barred and locked to me and that is sweet and agreeable and happy in the lies that I am compelled to make for the sake of any impotent sovereign. (I do not regard God as such but rather my experience of Him was onetime this and so I use these words to describe that subjective thing only.)
Let the record show that Satan has never mistreated me.
Let the record show that Satan and demons and the occult have nowhere near MESSED ME UP fractured my mind and my consciousness to the extent that exposure to the SDA has done.
Let the record STAND. Make of it what ye will; I well know what crimson judgment awaits me at the filthy dungstinking foul foetid and molesting hands of some of you who would rather destroy me than bear the truth to be told in your faces.
But for you who do not accept, for you who see beyond, reach out and take my hand and be not afraid.
Moriah, Conquering Wind.
