I'm afraid of myself

[Afraid1]

I'm a very longtime member here at cf, but I don't want to use my own username now. I set up a new account and even used a proxy server so the admin here can't trace this post to me. I'm far too ashamed to have this associated with me.

I post on this site as a Christian, but truth be told a Christian is what I desperately want to be and what I try to be. It isn't what I am. I don't have faith.

In my early days, my teen years, I had fantasies of killing people. They were just fantasies. I left them behind a few years ago. But in the last two weeks I've had a series of dreams. In the first I had killed a woman. The killing wasn't part of the dream, I remembered in the dream that I had killed her days before. When I woke up I thought it was a pretty weird dream and didn't think too much more about it. Then I had 2 more dreams where I remembered the same murder. Then last night I had a dream - and it was a long one - where I killed a woman I know and hid her body. I strangled her. Again I didn't dream of doing that, I remembered having done it in the dream. It was a past event. But I didn't feel sorry about it.

And I don't feel sorry about it now. I mean, I do, but a part of me felt good about it. Part of me feels that this dream reality and the feeling I got is something I'd like to make a reality. The rest of me knows that's abhorrent, but I have this battle in me now. What do I do?

 

[calidog]

I post on this site as a Christian, but truth be told a Christian is what I desperately want to be and what I try to be. It isn't what I am. I don't have faith.

You are a christian if you have Christ.
We will pray for you, but make sure you have Christ.
If you're not sure, then ask Jesus to come into your life.
He will hear you.

 

[ephraimanesti]

I post on this site as a Christian, but truth be told a Christian is what I desperately want to be and what I try to be. It isn't what I am. I don't have faith.

And I don't feel sorry about it now. I mean, I do, but a part of me felt good about it. Part of me feels that this dream reality and the feeling I got is something I'd like to make a reality. The rest of me knows that's abhorrent, but I have this battle in me now. What do I do?

MY DEAR FRIEND,

Your confusion and unhappiness comes through loud and clear and, as calidog stated, i am sure that there will be many praying for you--myself included.

As far as what you should do, i would not feel comfortable giving a lot of suggestions given that you have not--and perhaps cannot--give a lot of details about who you are and what is going on in your life.

As calidog stated, job #1 for you is to make sure you have Jesus in your life and that you are completely and totally surrendered to His Love.

Secondly, you need to find a Church Fellowship to support and help to heal your pain. Included would need to be someone who you can count on for spiritual support and guidance--a Pastor, an Elder, a Priest, a Deacon, a Christian Counselor, whatever. You need to tell this person EVERYTHING and follow their judgment and directions. DO NOT CONTINUE TO TRY TO STAND ALONE IN THIS BATTLE--and it is a Spiritual Battle you are involved in--BECAUSE SATAN IS MORE THAN ANY ONE OF US CAN DEAL WITH ALONE FOR LONG. GET HELP QUICKLY!

When these two tasks are complete, i would expect that whoever you have placed yourself under spiritual submission to will help you work through the more in-depth stuff with which you are struggling. (It is possible that you may need some counseling in this regard.)

Remember: Jesus is your Lord and Savior. He loves YOU enough to die for you on the Cross. He will never leave you or forsake you, so hang on to His hand at all times, and you will come out of this just fine. Dreams are not sins, so don't condemn yourself for them, no matter how twisted they become, but get help in figuring out what is causing them and what you need to do--with God's help--to make them stop.

Also, remember that we are praying for you.

MAY YOU BE BLESSED AND YOUR BONDS LOOSED,
ephraim

P.S. If you need to, feel free to P.M. any of us.

 

[TexasGirl06]

Afraid1...... The Holy Spirit can help you.
The Holy Spirit is God.
The Trinity = Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

But, as previous posters have said...you need to make sure that you have the Holy Spirit.

Christians have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them.

Do you know that when Jesus died on the cross that day....that He was thinking of you?
It was your sin that put him there.
He did it for you.

Have you repented from your sin?
Have you turned away from your sin?

Do you know that it was God's Son...on the cross that day?

Do you know that He died, was buried, and rose to life....?
All this, so that you can one day go to Heaven also?

If you can answer yes to these questions...I would say that you are a Christian.

Jesus loves you.
Man, does he love you.

I will pray for you.

 

[heron]

If you look at a few dream interpretation sites, you will find that killing people in dreams has a different connotation that you'd expect.

Death can involved transitions, or traits that you want to change. A certain person might remind you of that trait. If you had a repeat "offense," then maybe you are frustrated with yourself that you weren't able to quit a bad habit --concerns like gossip or reliability or faithfulness...or you weren't able to repress the expression of it.

Remember that the devil prowls the earth, looking for someone to destroy. The easiest way is to knock the confidence in our relationship with God out from under us.

You are not a victim to things you don't want to do. Take spiritual charge, and tell supernatural bad influences to stop lying to you. Your Father's promises will always be true -- you were bought with a price.

(By the way, I think it was wise to isolate the identity...people could take this so many ways. You could find yourself quite "famous.")
​

 

[JoyforJESUS]

Father God, I lift this young man up to you now. Surround him with a Hedge of your Angels. I know that your word says what ever we bind on earth shall be bound in Heaven. I claim this promise of your word. Father God I bind satan away form this young man. I bind the dreams that he is having. Father God, send to him the Peace of your Holy Spirit. Lead this young man to the medical/mental health personnel that can help him. Surround him with those who will help and not mock him. In your Precious Son's Name Jesus Christ AMEN.

 

[heron]

As for your earlier impulses -- a lot of people find that their mind gets attacks -- things they don't want to have thought.

Think about the news stories we've heard, where people made decisions to kill based on voices in their heads. Then consider the possibility of evil spirits being real and active in our lives. They can't read our minds, but they can whisper thoughts to us. They can lead us to believe that we thought something ourselves, and wanted that thought.

Stop by the deliverance forum some time and read what experiences people have had... see if you can gain from that. Jesus said that we have authority over demons, and should tell them (audibly) to leave.

Jesus believed that demons existed.

In the Old Testament, Saul was harrassed by demons that made him depressed and sometimes violent.​

 

[McWilliams]

I'm a very longtime member here at cf, but I don't want to use my own username now. I set up a new account and even used a proxy server so the admin here can't trace this post to me. I'm far too ashamed to have this associated with me.

I post on this site as a Christian, but truth be told a Christian is what I desperately want to be and what I try to be. It isn't what I am. I don't have faith.

In my early days, my teen years, I had fantasies of killing people. They were just fantasies. I left them behind a few years ago. But in the last two weeks I've had a series of dreams. In the first I had killed a woman. The killing wasn't part of the dream, I remembered in the dream that I had killed her days before. When I woke up I thought it was a pretty weird dream and didn't think too much more about it. Then I had 2 more dreams where I remembered the same murder. Then last night I had a dream - and it was a long one - where I killed a woman I know and hid her body. I strangled her. Again I didn't dream of doing that, I remembered having done it in the dream. It was a past event. But I didn't feel sorry about it.

And I don't feel sorry about it now. I mean, I do, but a part of me felt good about it. Part of me feels that this dream reality and the feeling I got is something I'd like to make a reality. The rest of me knows that's abhorrent, but I have this battle in me now. What do I do?

There are psychiatrists, even Christian psychiatrist that would be helpful in such circumstances. There are mild medications that would offer relief from such threatening and violent dreams. Knowing God and being assured of salvation is very comforting but our God expects us to address our physical and emotional difficulties with discernment and wisdom and your situation seems to call for additional professional assistance.
Take care of what God has trusted to you, your body and your mind! I pray He will guide you to proper care!!

 

[LilLamb219]

McWilliams offered brilliant advice. Seek the help of someone who can help you through these dreams and urges. These things do NOT make you an unChristian at all. God makes us into Christians and only by rejecting Christ and the forgiveness of sins do we become damned.

 

[FrAnthony]

The rest of me knows that's abhorrent, but I have this battle in me now. What do I do?

I also agree...get professional help from an experienced Psychologist or Priest. I recommend an Orthodox Priest as a starting point.

If it makes you afraid, there is likely a reason. It may not be the reason you think, and it could be nothing at all, but it could be. Therefore, you should most definitely seek professional help. All I can really do is to pray for you given this format/situation/lack of knowledge about you, and in my opinion it's all anybody here can do for you.

 

[Afraid1]

Thank you, all of you for your responses, its uplifting to know so many care. I've been hoping this would leave me as quickly as it arrived, and maybe it will. But not today. Many of you suggested I turn this over to God, to rely on my faith and I wish I could. My faith just isn't that strong. I don't think there is anything I can do to strengthen my faith, I think faith is a gift from God. So it will come in His time. A few have suggested psychological help, and maybe that's what I'll have to do. I don't want to do it just yet because I'm no danger to anyone right now, I just have this unwelcome thought in my head. I pray it will go away.

Tapera, a moderator, suggested I post in 'General Struggles' rather then here. I'm going to ask her to move this thread there if anyone wants to follow it.

Also, there are many trolls who visit this site and cause various problems. I'm sure its easy to assume I'm one of those It took me a day to figure out how to show I'm not one of those. Guests can see all the forums here, so dropping a few names wouldn't help. But guests cannot see the site supporter forums. I'm a site supporter. And this is the biggest thread in site supporter fellowship:

The Meeting of the Site Supporters 11) (7)

There's many other's, some of the top ones are Asa Buddies, I'm back, etc.

I am a real longtime member here and I need and appreciate your help.

 

[tapero]

Moved from Questions by Non-Christians​

 

[tapero]

Hi Afraid1,

I think you've got some good advice here so far. I've had dreams where I hurt someone as I was protecting myself in the dream. I wouldn't put a lot into dreams, because no one, except God knows what they mean if anything.

I do think about my dreams since I get them so often and recall them and if I were having your dreams I would wonder if I am perhaps hurt by someone.

It is always good that whatever happens to you to let it lead you closer to Christ. Depend on Him more for your help and walk.

You wrote:

And I don't feel sorry about it now. I mean, I do, but a part of me felt good about it. Part of me feels that this dream reality and the feeling I got is something I'd like to make a reality. The rest of me knows that's abhorrent, but I have this battle in me now. What do I do?

This a spiritual battle going on. You need to know this is not good to think that you would like to make it a reality.

Here is a verse that applies to your thinking:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

You wrote:

I think faith is a gift from God

It is a gift, but it also comes by reading the word.

Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.

Dwell on Christ. Think on Him and the good things.

I think going to a counselor or other is a great idea. It would help you sort out your feelings. We can't offer any professional help here, we can only encouarge and support you. Real life help is critical. Were I having dreams like this I would be telling my doctor and getting help with it. Sometimes I do have a slew of weird dreams, and they can lead to depression too.

You said you had thoughts when you were younger, and I would think because it is what was on TV, what was happening in the news. Maybe you've been hurt also, and have feelings of anger that are coming out in your dreams.

Well, I've written a book here. Sorry about that. Your faith will grow as you get in His word, sing and pray.

God bless you,
tapero

 

[heron]

Sometimes when we're under severe stress, we see no way out. The brain tries to run through all the options. It's similar to wives who stab their husbands instead of leaving them, or kids who plot to shoot their parents instead of running away from home.

The logical options seem too difficult to deal with, so the brain shifts to the easy complete solution, where that person no longer criticizes them. The pattern of rejection or abuse in the relationship was too ingrained to overcome with a normal assertion or change of actions. Remember, you did not follow through. It was probably a mental escape process.

If it was in your dream, it was not your decision to think it. You didn't have control, and it most likely was symbolic. When a waking thought quickly crosses your mind, it is not a sin. It is only your thought if you decide to own it, or allow it to take over. Resist it, and resist fear of being overpowered. You are strong. The Holy Spirit is there to help you.

In any case, Jesus died for this.

Think of all the people you have heard who had unexpected conversions, and miraculous changes in their lives. Would there be any reason God should forgive them and not you? Cleanse their hearts and not yours? Jesus' sacrifice was once, for all. Hang onto that offer.

 

[Anti Existance]

Its definitly NOT the way to go. People who have a low amount of love in their souls can become exposed to thoughts imposed by demonical entities who hate you. They try to lower your spiritual frequency by dragging you down the drain by going against gods will, which is to love and help others. In the case that you would have killed an individual you would have become even more exposed to their demonical will influence which opens you up more and more for possession.

Demons are always cold,feel miserable and are hungry. Its in their own interest to attach themselves to your body,so they will feel less miserable themselves, this because they leech on you and feel what you feel which is much more pleasant then being without a body and in the miserable state that they are in. However they can only attach to you if you are more or less of the same hatred as them, which takes a LOT , so they really have to pursuede you to commit vile acts like murder or worse.

The best thing that you can do, is to love everything and everyone as MUCH as possible , and helping other people to put yourself on a unreachable level of love so that demons cannot see your soul anymore,nor impose influence on it.

Next to it PRAY to God for protection. Even if it weren't demonical entities influencing you, its better to be sure then sorry. Ask God to take these horrible fantasies away from you. I wouldn't watch any horror movies, or read newspapers for a while or only in a moderate amount. Take care, for yourself and mostly at this point for others, and never grab towards violence!

 

[UnitynLove]

I will pray for you.

 

[BigToe]

Seeking a therapist to talk to is a good idea. It isn't something you should wait to do until you feel you're a risk for others. Therapy is helpful in so many ways. It can help you figure out what causes these thoughts or why you react certain ways. It can also help you figure out why your faith is weak if you want it to be stronger. And who knows, maybe something you have thought was no big deal has really been bothering you inside and this is how it is trying to get your attention.

Dreams and fantasies are just that. They don't necessarily have to become reality. And violent fantasies can actually be healthy. So having those dreams or thoughts doesn't make you a bad person or mean that you even really will ever hurt anyone.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[Myfanwy]

If you are remotely catholic (i.e. even Anglican) try praying the rosary. It is a powerful prayer.

 

[BelindaP]

I can understand your fear of yourself right now. Violent dreams are very disturbing, especially if you are the perpetrator in those dreams. As the others have suggested, you should seek counseling to help find out the source of these dreams.

I find that when I have a repetitive and violent dream, my mind is wrestling with a very upsetting issue. My guess is that yours is, as well.

Have you considered posting in the deliverance ministry or spiritual warfare forums. If your problem is spiritual in nature, they could help you there. Your lack of faith may also derive from the demonic forces that are tormenting you in your dreams.