M
Monergism
Guest
I can't. My heart is unrepentant, unwilling to let go of sins that are committed. I pray to God, I ask for His forgiveness, but sorrow is upon my heart. And, why, I should wonder if my prayers are of the Spirit or of the flesh. How callous, how hardened, how unwilling I am to turn away from my sins. I lust in my heart, I cause my lips to become unclean when I am angry, and I become angry with people, saying, "I hate my life, and everything in it!" The fear of hell would not cause me to turn, but to turn secretly, because I would still desire my sins, but I would only make of myself a righteous semblance like that of the Pharisees, wanting to look pious before men, but knowing in my heart that I am uncircumcized. But I know of God's grace, yet I cannot obtain it, because I am want. I care not for my life, and I would live my life in the desert, if that were possible. I would be able to escape the trappings of worldly things.
My conscience is against me. I used to read the Word of God daily, but what has happened to me? I know that prayer, readings the Scriptures, attending church, and the like, will not have one enter heaven, but only the grace of God. Yet, it is God, not I, who chooses. I could say in my heart, "I am born again," yet I cannot say that, because I know that this is of the flesh. I could only say this if I ever felt the power of God overcome me, that I would be willing to go and preach the Gospel! But, even the Scriptures state that in the last days, people will take the form of godliness, but be without God's power. If I went to preach the good news, who would preach it to me? I do not know if I am born from above. I await for God to do something awesome to me, I remain passive. But, I will only be passive, concerning the act of regeneration, unless the Holy Spirit redeems my soul and fills my heart with an overflowing power of love towards God and man, and to deny the sinfulness in my own hardened heart.
Oh, how I was so secure in the past, so thoughtful and confident that I was born again, simply because I prayed some "Sinner's Prayer," yet, when I came across these doctrines that I so readily confess, I was lacking something in my heart. I sought to find a way to be born again, but I knew that I could not, not by my own will. I even confessed this beautiful doctrine to people at my church, even to my mom and my sister. "Theologians have been debating on this for centuries!" - said my pastor. He even said in church, "God does not predestine some to heaven, others to hell." And then my sister claimed, "You sound like you're in a cult," and from my own mom, "I want you to stop reading whatever it is that you're reading, or else I'll take away the Internet from you." And so, what I thought would be wonderful to teach to people that I knew, I was shunned away. But even so, I shun myself, because though I love these doctrines, I kind of do not like them. But, to love them, that is of the Spirit, but what I do not like, that comes from the flesh.
But, what am I, but a man? How I wish the day that I was born was blotted out. I loathe my very self, because I know that I am a sinner. And again, I await for the power of God, the grace of God to be granted to me, to be given to me, yet I will never feel satisified, unless I am born again. I know that the wicked can know the ways of righteousness, and even act upon them as though he were living a godly, pious life. Yet, I know that one must have great discretion to understand and to know, and to examine one's own life to see if what he does is false, or if what he does is not of God. But, you might ask, Why is this person saying all of this? Because, my heart goes out, and I cannot help but speak about this. It's been in my heart for so long. Why, I have become depressed, knowing that God loves sinners, but I asked God one night, "Do I love You?" I ask for prayer, pray to God! Pray that He will redeem my soul. I need it, I know.
God commands that we repent and believe, yet I am like a man who squandered all of his money on something, and he cannot repay. I am want, I lack everything, apart from God. But, I cannot repent, because my heart is unwilling. I know that I should live a godly life, but again, I do not want to have some semblance of righteousness. I want to be godly, I want to be righteous, but only if it comes from the fountain of my heart, if it only comes from the grace of God. Pray for me, someone! Pray for me, anyone! But, pray to God about me for what? So that I may repent and believe! But, do not say these words. Instead, use whatever words that it is from your heart, that if you weep of my poor soul. How my self-righteousness goes against me! How my pride has filled my heart! What a wretched sinner I am.
My conscience is against me. I used to read the Word of God daily, but what has happened to me? I know that prayer, readings the Scriptures, attending church, and the like, will not have one enter heaven, but only the grace of God. Yet, it is God, not I, who chooses. I could say in my heart, "I am born again," yet I cannot say that, because I know that this is of the flesh. I could only say this if I ever felt the power of God overcome me, that I would be willing to go and preach the Gospel! But, even the Scriptures state that in the last days, people will take the form of godliness, but be without God's power. If I went to preach the good news, who would preach it to me? I do not know if I am born from above. I await for God to do something awesome to me, I remain passive. But, I will only be passive, concerning the act of regeneration, unless the Holy Spirit redeems my soul and fills my heart with an overflowing power of love towards God and man, and to deny the sinfulness in my own hardened heart.
Oh, how I was so secure in the past, so thoughtful and confident that I was born again, simply because I prayed some "Sinner's Prayer," yet, when I came across these doctrines that I so readily confess, I was lacking something in my heart. I sought to find a way to be born again, but I knew that I could not, not by my own will. I even confessed this beautiful doctrine to people at my church, even to my mom and my sister. "Theologians have been debating on this for centuries!" - said my pastor. He even said in church, "God does not predestine some to heaven, others to hell." And then my sister claimed, "You sound like you're in a cult," and from my own mom, "I want you to stop reading whatever it is that you're reading, or else I'll take away the Internet from you." And so, what I thought would be wonderful to teach to people that I knew, I was shunned away. But even so, I shun myself, because though I love these doctrines, I kind of do not like them. But, to love them, that is of the Spirit, but what I do not like, that comes from the flesh.
But, what am I, but a man? How I wish the day that I was born was blotted out. I loathe my very self, because I know that I am a sinner. And again, I await for the power of God, the grace of God to be granted to me, to be given to me, yet I will never feel satisified, unless I am born again. I know that the wicked can know the ways of righteousness, and even act upon them as though he were living a godly, pious life. Yet, I know that one must have great discretion to understand and to know, and to examine one's own life to see if what he does is false, or if what he does is not of God. But, you might ask, Why is this person saying all of this? Because, my heart goes out, and I cannot help but speak about this. It's been in my heart for so long. Why, I have become depressed, knowing that God loves sinners, but I asked God one night, "Do I love You?" I ask for prayer, pray to God! Pray that He will redeem my soul. I need it, I know.
God commands that we repent and believe, yet I am like a man who squandered all of his money on something, and he cannot repay. I am want, I lack everything, apart from God. But, I cannot repent, because my heart is unwilling. I know that I should live a godly life, but again, I do not want to have some semblance of righteousness. I want to be godly, I want to be righteous, but only if it comes from the fountain of my heart, if it only comes from the grace of God. Pray for me, someone! Pray for me, anyone! But, pray to God about me for what? So that I may repent and believe! But, do not say these words. Instead, use whatever words that it is from your heart, that if you weep of my poor soul. How my self-righteousness goes against me! How my pride has filled my heart! What a wretched sinner I am.
