Suicide is knocking on my door again.
It's a battle I have dealt with since I was very young. I shouldn't be alive now in reality. But I am.
Today, I asked God if he could kill me or let me die. I don't know if I have the strength to live anymore especially in this hopeless imitation of a life.
I am surrounded by happy beaming faces that are starting to blend together. Every day i hear about a blessing or something that someone else receives. It was kind of amusing when I received a bill that was a deliberate mistake from the part of my chiro that they are refusing to accept and that same day a friend received a bonus in the same amount. I think God finds my life amusing.
God. Who is He? Do I care? Part of me does but most of me is beginning to go numb. How long can one go without getting fed? God won't kill me or won't allow me to die.
I remember in 9th grade I think it was, maybe 8th. How in my deranged mind that I thought God said..."you can try to kill yourself but you'll never succeed." I think I wanted to prove the voice wrong but I haven't yet. So maybe it was God.
But where has God been since well who knows. I think he's there but I don't think he cares. I get to suffocate and drown while other people get to smile.
When was the last time I was happy? When was the last time my smile lasted? And wasn't a momentary fake one.
What does happy look like?
I wouldn't know.
It's a battle I have dealt with since I was very young. I shouldn't be alive now in reality. But I am.
Today, I asked God if he could kill me or let me die. I don't know if I have the strength to live anymore especially in this hopeless imitation of a life.
I am surrounded by happy beaming faces that are starting to blend together. Every day i hear about a blessing or something that someone else receives. It was kind of amusing when I received a bill that was a deliberate mistake from the part of my chiro that they are refusing to accept and that same day a friend received a bonus in the same amount. I think God finds my life amusing.
God. Who is He? Do I care? Part of me does but most of me is beginning to go numb. How long can one go without getting fed? God won't kill me or won't allow me to die.
I remember in 9th grade I think it was, maybe 8th. How in my deranged mind that I thought God said..."you can try to kill yourself but you'll never succeed." I think I wanted to prove the voice wrong but I haven't yet. So maybe it was God.
But where has God been since well who knows. I think he's there but I don't think he cares. I get to suffocate and drown while other people get to smile.
When was the last time I was happy? When was the last time my smile lasted? And wasn't a momentary fake one.
What does happy look like?
I wouldn't know.
