The Other Side of Darkness

i think when I admit it to myself. I've been depressed more often then I haven't in my life. Maybe I wasn't in Kindergarten but elementary school, junior high and high school do not hold fond memories for me. I was always insecure. I remember crying most of my days and playing with my imaginary...

I write best at night. But lately I haven't been able to write. Partly because I need sleep and night time is the best time to sleep. But tonight I'm up thus since most of my stuff is caught up and completed, I can write for a second. I don't like the lesson I've been learning lately but...

Another friend got engaged today. I know. I know. I should be happy for her. But it fell just a little flat. I'm dealing with my own tragedy. I have a lot of pressure on me right now. I doubt Jonathan is the one for me. But I don't know how to figure that stuff out because well its too...

I struggle with writing. I have so much inside of me that needs to be released but it just sits inside of me. Every time I think the dam has been lifted the flood waters rise. It's not even been a month since everything changed. I look around and wonder what is the purpose for anything...

I woke up after a half sleepless night and another bad dream and I faced reality. I can't live in my dreams and lately I don't want too as they've been nightmares. So I've accepted this...my friends are gone and have since moved on. Some of our friendships are on hiatus for now will they be...

I woke up somewhere between 4-5 and I couldn't fall back asleep. I'll try again later. I think this is what being sick does to me. I woke up coughing again with a headache in the back of my head. I had thoughts of my friends who have all but moved on. I remember when I was making the...

Suicide is knocking on my door again. It's a battle I have dealt with since I was very young. I shouldn't be alive now in reality. But I am. Today, I asked God if he could kill me or let me die. I don't know if I have the strength to live anymore especially in this hopeless imitation of a...

I was at lifegroup tonight. Yes, someone who is really resistant about things of God is attempting things. I have chosen to remain silent for now though especially when it's regarding prayer requests. Somehow Robin got on the topic of her upcoming wedding and a couple girls wanted to see her...

"All I want is to get through every day alive," is what I said last Wednesday. I didn't specifically state that I was suicidal or was thinking anything along those lines. But I didn't deny it. I have been getting exceedingly lonely and have gotten the short of the stick with blessings...

The well is dry. Where there used to be a overabundance flowing of thoughts and dreams, there are no words to explain how I feel. Have I gone numb? Or am I just expressionless? Sometimes I feel like everybody is watching me. I used to believe that redemption and renewal would come in...

I deleted my myspace on a whim and I think it was a good decision. I rarely used it anyway and when I did I found it was more for negative reasons i.e. looking up former classmates and seeing how great their life is compared to mine or something along that lines. I don't wanna be in this...

Have you ever wanted something so bad but you can't get to it? Have you ever sat still waiting on something to just happen? I'm just stuck. My brain is stuck. I can't figure out where it got stuck or why it got stuck but its stuck. I think I need something to unstick it. i need something...

Writing has always been a healing balm to me. So I need to write. This is how God talks to me. Maybe I'm struggling with hearing God because I"m not writing... Thus I need to write. I saw Marcell in Indiana. I kissed him. I'm unsure why. I haven't seen him for years and I kiss him. I think it...

I don't write much anymore. Except case notes and progress reports and now assessments. And the odd thing is my dream is to be an author. Yet I don't write. I think I'm in the cycle of being healed and it involves me changing the lives of random Hampton Roads teens. I can't believe its...

I'm not too sure about the new blogs right now. I liked having 3 years of thoughts in one place and I don't have that kind of time to re-add them. However, I am looking at this as a positive change. It's all about perspectives. I added one blog from the original Manifest Destiny for a reason...

Terrence wasn't good enough for me. I loved him but his demands and expectations destroyed every inch of me. I was suffocating. I could not breathe. I was in the glass cage. As long as I didn't speak and just smiled I was perfect for him. The problem began when I couldn't smile anymore. I lost...