First I suppose it could seem to some who don't think the same as I (believe the same) that I'm being too hard about it. Like maybe too I'm just looking for something/a reason to give somebody a shove right out of my life- for good.
no that's not it, yes I do look for things- either way... to try to confirm or deny things, I do look for things to help frame this whole picture, to try to define reality.
Actually that helps confirm sanity at least lol. Unlike some who is say paranoid (though there could beone other examples) they have already made their mind up about what they perceive. They don't really check anything. True, occasionaly if something obvious occurs they come up with something to make it fit into their delusion.
I certainly don't want to be deluded.
But, I try and "keep an open mind" in this situation. Meaning, I am open that things will either be shown/proven one way or the other- I am not bent on any particular conclusion.
I would like to be moved one way or another, for things to be revealed for what they truely are...either way.
Bit by bit been able to divest myself from this picture...what I need, what I want, what I like...even past memories which have been "tainted" or brought more into the light by new understanding or acceptance of what really was (how things really added up)
All that is left is feeling (and of no small amount). Though cicumstances don't support the feeelings... right now I'm not going on anything to support them.
I believe they're from God, that he has kept this in my heart.
When I wrote "it didn't matter, practically speaking". I meant that since I'm no longer hoping for anything in particular anymore- any particular relational outcome, and since not much seems to be going on anyway or proven to be. What is there to lose? What are they going to stop hanging around with me, stop saying nice things, stop telling me how much they care?
So if it causes them to cut me out, over the sake of my being honest, even the little bones there are...since it'd been hard enough to be so close and yet so far anyway
how much more would that hurt? Especially if things aren't as they seemed, or appear to seem (as "someone") would like to make it seem- then what would be lost...? if that's truely the case, then what was real, was lost many years ago...
And so if none of this is as it seems. Then all this practically speaking, wouldn't matter.
Even if it were partially existant- but for a bad reason, then it shouldn't matter either...a game for sick/cruel amusement...then then the words of a devalued object shouldn't matter...
if a game ends...there are other people out there to play a game with (not that that should be either, but I'm just sayin)....
ROFL...like...nevermind
(ha just reminded me of an ol SNL bit where Emily goes on and on, all upset & excited...then the other anchor cuts in and tells her it's about this other thing NOT what she was getting dso bothered & debating about...so she pulls herself together and all she can say is- Nevermind...)
YouTube - Emily Litela
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1510/saturday-night-live-weekend-update-with-emily-latella-editorial
..speaking of found this one- she was one of my faves. as I kid thought she was hysterical...this clean one about the bird still is
YouTube - Gilda Radner & Madeline Kahn
(maybe you have to have had a parakeet to get it)
no that's not it, yes I do look for things- either way... to try to confirm or deny things, I do look for things to help frame this whole picture, to try to define reality.
Actually that helps confirm sanity at least lol. Unlike some who is say paranoid (though there could beone other examples) they have already made their mind up about what they perceive. They don't really check anything. True, occasionaly if something obvious occurs they come up with something to make it fit into their delusion.
I certainly don't want to be deluded.
But, I try and "keep an open mind" in this situation. Meaning, I am open that things will either be shown/proven one way or the other- I am not bent on any particular conclusion.
I would like to be moved one way or another, for things to be revealed for what they truely are...either way.
Bit by bit been able to divest myself from this picture...what I need, what I want, what I like...even past memories which have been "tainted" or brought more into the light by new understanding or acceptance of what really was (how things really added up)
All that is left is feeling (and of no small amount). Though cicumstances don't support the feeelings... right now I'm not going on anything to support them.
I believe they're from God, that he has kept this in my heart.
When I wrote "it didn't matter, practically speaking". I meant that since I'm no longer hoping for anything in particular anymore- any particular relational outcome, and since not much seems to be going on anyway or proven to be. What is there to lose? What are they going to stop hanging around with me, stop saying nice things, stop telling me how much they care?
So if it causes them to cut me out, over the sake of my being honest, even the little bones there are...since it'd been hard enough to be so close and yet so far anyway
how much more would that hurt? Especially if things aren't as they seemed, or appear to seem (as "someone") would like to make it seem- then what would be lost...? if that's truely the case, then what was real, was lost many years ago...
And so if none of this is as it seems. Then all this practically speaking, wouldn't matter.
Even if it were partially existant- but for a bad reason, then it shouldn't matter either...a game for sick/cruel amusement...then then the words of a devalued object shouldn't matter...
if a game ends...there are other people out there to play a game with (not that that should be either, but I'm just sayin)....
ROFL...like...nevermind
(ha just reminded me of an ol SNL bit where Emily goes on and on, all upset & excited...then the other anchor cuts in and tells her it's about this other thing NOT what she was getting dso bothered & debating about...so she pulls herself together and all she can say is- Nevermind...)
YouTube - Emily Litela
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1510/saturday-night-live-weekend-update-with-emily-latella-editorial
..speaking of found this one- she was one of my faves. as I kid thought she was hysterical...this clean one about the bird still is
YouTube - Gilda Radner & Madeline Kahn
(maybe you have to have had a parakeet to get it)
