So I've been struggling mightily with my faith, if you read some of my "newer" blogs you can see that. I want to find my way back, but have reached the point where I no longer try, because I am completely incapable of finding what the carnal cannot possess or attain.
Now this post started as a "What is faith really" type thing where I wanted to talk about the importance of true faith. 100% belief that God is and will be what he says he'll be, but I feel this might better serve my intent.
I'm still a broken mess. Perfectly incapable of doing what I want to do, and perfectly suited to do the things I no longer want to do. (sounds familiar Romans 7) I try to claim I have faith, but in reality...
My faith right now is a smoldering wick at best. A tiny glow that reminds the people passing by something useful used to reside there, but not anymore.
So what does this have to do with my title?
Well on my way to work the other day I was asking God to help me. I told him that I just can't anymore and I was scared to just let be what will be. But what came back to me was something rather sublime and peaceful. I thought of my children. I thought about how much I'm going to miss them when they get older and start their own adventures. About how it won't matter if they grow and live on the other side of the planet my heart will still be theirs and my love for them will never fade. No matter what.
That's something I can hold on to. Something I can relate to. Something I can hold.
Not that biblical stories are outdated, or not true, just hard to relate to something that happened 4 millenia ago.
So anyways, I'm thinking about my kids. I'm feeling those raw emotions that still scare me and cause me grief (yes, I dread the day my kids leave I'm a softie at heart), but then I heard/felt this voice tell me now imagine if you feel this way about your children, how much more God feels about his.
And that was it.
Now it takes faith to believe that message. It does. How much faith? Honestly I don't know. But I do know Jesus wasn't scared to love those who admittedly had very little faith.
So what did I take from my revelation of sorts?
That I've had a very very rough couple of years since my last child passed and I'm still not sure how to progress going forward, but I do believe that God loves me. I can believe that his love for me is greater than my love for my kids. And that's a pretty large amount, and if that is the case, then he still looks out for me.
I'm just a prodigal that is trying to find my way home. Please Spirit, help me find my way back home where I belong.
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Some Food For Thought, A Revelation Of Sorts?
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