Praying when anxious
“We get anxious more with imaginations than actuality.”
― Abhijit Naskar
When I was a bit younger, I would often grapple with anger, which would frequently rise like a torpedo, and simply try to sink me. I guess that made me very cognizant of the power of the unconscious mind. This would often happen when I was praying or attempted to settle down in order to focus enough to be present to the moment. Which is not always easy for me to do. I easily get pulled under the waves and can get lost in my inner world.
Self-knowledge is a two-edged sword. Anger is easier for me to handle since I once thought that I could move towards what angered me and deal with it. The same goes for fear, which is under anger. Fear can be dealt with, even if it made me nervous, and even at times, nauseous. I just learned at a very young age that it is better to move towards ‘fear’ if it is indeed something that can be dealt with.
One day, like a bolt from the sky, I became aware that I actually had a lot of anxiety, and that it was that which fed my anger, as well as fear. The problem with being anxious is that it is often unformulated, which means that I cannot move against it. Anger, when it happens, will often make me focus on something other than what really makes me anxious.
I pretend a lot. For instance, my biggest pretension, that I will at times actually believe, is that I am a very strong person. This served me well when younger, but as I age, it is starting to work against me. Stress will cause me to lose focus, something that was not true when younger. I always did well under stress, but now that I am almost 73 I find that no longer to be true. It is a relief actually to be able to see that, and now I am still trying to adapt.
This morning I was anxious over something so it made it hard for me to actually be present at my place where I sit for my early morning meditation. I felt like a ball being used in a handball court, bouncing from one wall to another. However, one of the reasons I love using beads when praying is that they can slowly bring me to the present, even if I have to do it more than a few times. I am well aquatinted with distraction.
I have learned not to let it bother me too much, anxiety, though I would really rather be angry or fearful over something. It gives some illusion of control, while being anxious, I do not even try to muster up that lie.
It is important for me to learn that lesson. That much of my anxiety, or perhaps all of it, is over control, and of course at bottom, the loss of all control at death. So it makes prayer an adventure.
There is always a paradox to the spiritual life. The more you learn of your own inner wounds, the closer the Lord seems to come. Even in darkness, I sense the Lord's gentle presence keeping me on track. Well, much of the time.
Prayer can be about ‘asking’, yet as one progresses it is more often about simply being in the Lord’s presence. When saying the rosary, slowly, even if in some way I focus on the mysteries, deeper in, I am simply waiting on the Lord as well as experiencing my unity with all.
I am one with all of the ‘me’s” in the world, in God’s moment not in mine. Prayer is about union with all, and that means with the mess that is often the lot of I believe the majority of human beings. We are called to love it all, and to the love the ‘mess’ that perhaps is in our families, communities, and yes in my own heart.
In some ways, the journey gets steeper as the journey continues. Being a pilgrim is not an easy task. There is little real rest, but as we grow in our understanding of our need for grace, we see ever more deeply what is within. We also see that the Lord has been there all along, waiting for us to arrive, and that helps to keep us calm, collected, or at least with the desire to be so.
The Lord, the Infinite, does not coddle us, and each of us must go through our own unique journey, hopefully with others who can support us on our way, as we support others as well.
In prayer, it is good to understand that it will always be a struggle. Often against just being lazy (or perhaps that is just me), dealing with fatigue, strong feelings and emotions, and yes dealing with the deepest form of God's presence, his absence. The closer, we get to the Lord, the more our images fail, and we have to learn to be content with certain obscurity when we pray.
It is scripture that will often fill in the gaps, give us hope, and something to chew on in our hearts. Even if progress is slow, two steps forward, and one step back, it is still movement. I have learned to not try to figure out where I am in my journey, I just try to get through the day. The true tabernacle is each human heart, I try not to forge that.-Br.MD
