Here I am today. I walk in the shadows of society. My church is blind of me, they don't see me. My friends I have know me for who I am, but not for what I am. My work likes me for my constant positive attitude but that's all a lie. I really don't remember how it's like to not be depressed, how to be happy. I used to have hobbies like watching movies or playing video games, those used to keep me company and take my mind off of things. Now, those hobbies that I had are non-existent. I am tormented to this day from most of these brutal memories and ludicrous thoughts, thoughts that could lead from over thinking to suicide. I try to be isolated but it's so hard to stay away for so long with nothing that can entertain me. I always listen to Contemporary Christian music on the radio since it speaks to me spiritually, Im always praying when I am listening and I do feel God's presence when I sing and pray under God's lyrics that are transferred over by these holy singers. It's a good coping method that never gets old. Then I met a few special friends, real Christian friends. I am the shadow in the darkness, but where there's a shadow is a light and I went to go check it out cautiously.
I met a guy, who is a missionary, in my last few years of high school. I had a class with him on his first day and something told me to just talk to him. I never do that, but I did. He was really cool, his personality was amazing, I could see that he was a good person on the inside. He reminded of my best friend. Following on, I met a few of his missionary friends, they were all around the same age. To be honest, I was surprised at first glance, they all were beautiful people, not just physically but also on the inside. Each person was unique and special in their own way. I talked with some of them and I knew that I really liked them. I tried my best to get to know them. Eventually, my friend greeted me to one of his better missionary friends. She was interesting and very flamboyant in her attitude. We three started talking more and we became better school friends and then I tried to lead it to out of school. I tried to be more social with the guy outside of school but he is introverted as me except he liked it. To me, it felt pretty rare and long-waiting till I get to see him outside of school. I met his family and they were all great people as well, a true family that actually looks after each other. We always did fun things, things I never done before that good friends do. These were good times, good memories, I savored these memories. I really enjoy them, it feels great having these feelings that I haven't had for a long long time. I wish I can have the feeling forever and never ending as a addict. Eventually, he became more distant, less social, and it terrified me. Then everything hit me, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, the abuse, me staying away from such illegal pleasure. All of my slumbered dark emotions and intense pain came rushing back at me as they awoken. I kept saying to myself, “NOT AGAIN, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN" I tried to hide my darkness away. This feeling is the same feeling I had for those many years where I loved her, all hit me at once. The feeling of losing my best friend, hit me again. These hits are extremely dangerous for my health. He slowly started disappearing more and more. And then he moved far for college. I realized this one thing, we 2 are completely different people. He grew up in a total complete environment than I had. It was normal to move on and make new friends, to depart from older ones. He is a missionary, he is used to it, he in fact, is great at not attaching to anything other than his family (which he told me a few times way before). It's completely normal for him to move on. I see, I tried to have something again which I couldn't. I sound so desperate. I sound like a annoying emotional wreck. I understand fully. I never told him and never will. I wish he could have been my friend, my best friend but he had one flaw as a friend, which I don't hold against him, but he moves on quite quickly. We still are friends, but just friends that might talk ever so rarely on a blue moon. During this whole time, I tried my best to be a great person. I really did, I poured my heart and soul, and I don't regret it. As long as they were happy and I had the chance to experience what it was like to live once again… But then there was that other person he introduced me to, the girl. I really didn't mind her at first and she did the same. We were only school friends through the guy. But she had a similar affection that he emitted, she was fun, very fun to be around with. Without the three of us, it wouldn't feel complete at school. Eventually, we three started hanging out at the guys house. Both of their parents/families are extremely close, like one family, so this was perfectly normal for them. These whole times that I met these people, I learned and mentally copied down how these families worked so perfectly, so flawlessly compared to my family. The one answer that can cover from all these notes is “unconditional love” for one another. It truly is a amazing sight to see that, something I wish that I had as well. But I still was somewhat of a outsider, a random guy who came out of the blue, into these people lives. The best way I was accepted and adored by, were by my jokes and friendly personality. I always came bearing gifts and they would like me (and their families as well). Eventually, I got to know her a bit more just in time before the guy friend started being more introverted and antisocial. I was not a social media person at all, I hated the whole social media trends and how social media started breaking up Christianity more and more so I never really went into it. But the only way I could talk to these people was through social media, especially her. Without the social media, I would definitely be alone in the darkness again. So I started being more social because of her mostly, it's a process that I know takes time to build up trust with someone but for me, I know it was bound to work. Through text, I always knew what to say. And then we became just as good as friends as I did with him. This was around the time where I was plunged into the darkness after he left. Eventually, we slowly and slowly started to hang out, started to get to know each other a bit better. Me, I never told anyone about my past, I was always mysterious with her and the guy. My ethnic background was my solid ground for my jokes to hold a bond and connection with them, they adored it. But the more I got to know her, the more I started to see similarities of a pain she was in. Thankfully, by God's grace, it was nothing like my background but her grief led to similar griefs as mine. So I really started to get interested in her, how could someone in such a great family, great community, great support suffer such similar consequences from different actions? As my mental state started to take a toll on me, I became sloppy. I started mentioning some of my griefs as well, but not their causes. We both talk and talk, and we start being more open. Really, I hate it when I am vulnerable. This tough shell, this fake side I put up just for them to like me was slowly starting to crack and leak some information about myself. All I wanted to do was feel the love I never had growing up, have really good friends, and maybe to help me learn from them how it is to live a life as theirs. It might seem like obsession, this friendship, but it isn't. I don't want to be selfish and fill their minds with such a scary dark place I have been. I didn't want to scare them away. I know that sounds selfish of me to help others, like them, but not ask for help in return but I try to be 100% safe. But my mental state, or whatever illness I may have is starting to take a psychological toll on me. This gift has a price, a terrible price. But it also has a great outcome for others. A few of my friends know that I am “going though things” but it's only things, everyone goes through things so it's normal, that's my alibi if someone starts to really question. But with her, I started to open up a bit. Bit by bit. She doesn't understand why I am like this, so do I to be honest. She is worried, and she's right, but I don't want her to be. She knows nothing of detail, of my past that I haven't told anyone yet, only things that others know already like my friends death or growing up with foreign parents is hard. But nothing of explicit detail, she knows my guilt but not why. It's all caused by my past, of course, but the way that I started to grow dysfunctionally even confuses me of how I really am. The other worst thing is, she is leaving as well. Maybe that's why I was breaking, eventually the day would come, but this quick? These emotions take time to develop over the years, but then everything started hitting me again. Sadness, desperation, etc. This is really bad for my health. I would probably have to hide again in the shadows, I didn't grab the light yet as I mentioned earlier, so I wouldn't be as affected if I had to return to my dark area in life. Otherwise, if I reached the light and grabbed it, it would take me so far up but eventually, like now, it would forcefully disappear. The scary part is the higher you go, the further you fall. The more painful it is. While I was being friends with her and talked to her. I started thinking more about her. During the time, I grew to love her. Here's the thing, I already know the difference between love and lust. I stay away from lust as much as possible. But I don't know the difference between love and the love of being that family I always wanted to grow up in. For short words, I guess you can say she is like a sister to me. But she isn't my blood… is this the same love my brother had for the family that kind of took him in??? I can't tell… even worse, I fear that she would become like that girl I so loved dearly where she reminds me now only of heartache and dreadfulness. She is leaving, even further than my guy friend, to the other side of the world maybe… now, that's a new terrible experience to feel right now… I understand and want the best for her, really, I do. But why does all of this separation come at the best and worst times?! I hate my life, every other reason to act as Job from Job 3:11 … She wants to know why I seem so weird and emotional because those cracks are becoming more fluid like waterfalls. I am saying more guilts and she might be worried. But she says that I can trust her and that she loves me like a brother. She probably does hate seeing me like this and she wants to know only if I am ready to tell her. If yes, then I link her to this blog, if not, then I torture myself even more. But I have to stay away from people, why did I come to people in the first place, because I heard that voice in class to meet him? I am afraid if I make the wrong choice, I don't know if this is the Devils work to make me suffer this pain or God's mercy to a inevitable outcome, that I am not 100% sure of, that could somehow miraculously help me. But as said way before, I rather suffer 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking another worthy humans life because of my past… I do not know…
2/25/18
Right now, the girl I am friends with is slowly starting to become what I see when I look at the other girl every Sunday. I can't take it anymore, and I can't do anything about it! The only thing that can eventually help is time. I haven't felt this maximum miserable feeling for a long time, it's been going on for a little over a month now. I can't concentrate at all in school, I dropped out of a class. God, I wish you can end it all and give me peace, just euthanize me already. I can't even cry anymore or show physical outer emotion anymore, even if I do, my tears are not salty which I find very disturbing. I recently started a Instagram and people post really nice pictures of themselves there, conservative but beautiful. I looked at her photos once for the first time and immediately threw my phone out. A intense pain hit me in the heart. I can't look at these photos of her, it makes me more miserable. I realized, when I looked at these photos, that this is something I can't have, something I don't deserve. Love. Growing up, I learned that being attached to something or liking something would eventually be taken away to hurt. So right now, everything I like or love to do becomes my motivation to not like it anymore. It cancels out with itself. It happens by force, I can't control it. Love is the main one with that problem, I want to love but my body declines it in every way. Even if I really like something like a event or doing something special or doing some hobbies of mine become dead and obsolete to me. Eventually regret takes a toll but being there, doing something special to me, becomes another burden with my thoughts torturing me. I hate what I became.
Now, all I do is lay in bed. Sometimes I just stare outside and think. My thoughts haunt me, I look like someone you would see in a asylum in my room. I'm on my phone trying to hangout with her so I can try to feel better. But it's very rare to try to get that to work. All that works is talking to her through social media. That's my highlight of the day, each day. I don't want to seem desperate or awkward but if she reads this, she might understand me or straight up cut out our friendship. I also don't want her to know, I don't want her to worry and have a burden because of me. Yet, I want help, I need help. I feel like I'm dying legitimately. I believe some disease or something will have me life threatening. I just want to die in peace knowing I will go to heaven. But I need to overcome this first before anything. I know that in order to be get to heaven, you need to be cleansed, right now, I'm stained.
My birthday is coming up, I hate it so much. It just reminds me of another year of torture and how long I've been struggling. The only reason why I'm looking forward to it this one time is just so that's it's another excuse to be with my dear friend(s). They don't know my birthday is coming up yet, I don't want them to get me anything. But I will just try to tell them on that day so we can plan something hopefully. I'm so desperate but I don't make it obvious to the people around me. Which is a good thing I guess. My eating schedule is terrible, sometimes I won't eat the whole day, I'm not hungry. But I know I need to eat because I would feel weak and nauseous if I don't. I would eat a very small plate of food throughout the day and have milk to hydrate myself. Food makes me want to vomit and the feeling of hunger satisfies me. These are just the other things that are apart of my burden right now. I know I said a lot, maybe too much but I'm just dumping everything out. Laying everything on the table. There's more but my memory is failing me.
I might post later about the other things in life that trouble me, right now, almost just as much as this rebuttal with myself.
I met a guy, who is a missionary, in my last few years of high school. I had a class with him on his first day and something told me to just talk to him. I never do that, but I did. He was really cool, his personality was amazing, I could see that he was a good person on the inside. He reminded of my best friend. Following on, I met a few of his missionary friends, they were all around the same age. To be honest, I was surprised at first glance, they all were beautiful people, not just physically but also on the inside. Each person was unique and special in their own way. I talked with some of them and I knew that I really liked them. I tried my best to get to know them. Eventually, my friend greeted me to one of his better missionary friends. She was interesting and very flamboyant in her attitude. We three started talking more and we became better school friends and then I tried to lead it to out of school. I tried to be more social with the guy outside of school but he is introverted as me except he liked it. To me, it felt pretty rare and long-waiting till I get to see him outside of school. I met his family and they were all great people as well, a true family that actually looks after each other. We always did fun things, things I never done before that good friends do. These were good times, good memories, I savored these memories. I really enjoy them, it feels great having these feelings that I haven't had for a long long time. I wish I can have the feeling forever and never ending as a addict. Eventually, he became more distant, less social, and it terrified me. Then everything hit me, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, the abuse, me staying away from such illegal pleasure. All of my slumbered dark emotions and intense pain came rushing back at me as they awoken. I kept saying to myself, “NOT AGAIN, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN" I tried to hide my darkness away. This feeling is the same feeling I had for those many years where I loved her, all hit me at once. The feeling of losing my best friend, hit me again. These hits are extremely dangerous for my health. He slowly started disappearing more and more. And then he moved far for college. I realized this one thing, we 2 are completely different people. He grew up in a total complete environment than I had. It was normal to move on and make new friends, to depart from older ones. He is a missionary, he is used to it, he in fact, is great at not attaching to anything other than his family (which he told me a few times way before). It's completely normal for him to move on. I see, I tried to have something again which I couldn't. I sound so desperate. I sound like a annoying emotional wreck. I understand fully. I never told him and never will. I wish he could have been my friend, my best friend but he had one flaw as a friend, which I don't hold against him, but he moves on quite quickly. We still are friends, but just friends that might talk ever so rarely on a blue moon. During this whole time, I tried my best to be a great person. I really did, I poured my heart and soul, and I don't regret it. As long as they were happy and I had the chance to experience what it was like to live once again… But then there was that other person he introduced me to, the girl. I really didn't mind her at first and she did the same. We were only school friends through the guy. But she had a similar affection that he emitted, she was fun, very fun to be around with. Without the three of us, it wouldn't feel complete at school. Eventually, we three started hanging out at the guys house. Both of their parents/families are extremely close, like one family, so this was perfectly normal for them. These whole times that I met these people, I learned and mentally copied down how these families worked so perfectly, so flawlessly compared to my family. The one answer that can cover from all these notes is “unconditional love” for one another. It truly is a amazing sight to see that, something I wish that I had as well. But I still was somewhat of a outsider, a random guy who came out of the blue, into these people lives. The best way I was accepted and adored by, were by my jokes and friendly personality. I always came bearing gifts and they would like me (and their families as well). Eventually, I got to know her a bit more just in time before the guy friend started being more introverted and antisocial. I was not a social media person at all, I hated the whole social media trends and how social media started breaking up Christianity more and more so I never really went into it. But the only way I could talk to these people was through social media, especially her. Without the social media, I would definitely be alone in the darkness again. So I started being more social because of her mostly, it's a process that I know takes time to build up trust with someone but for me, I know it was bound to work. Through text, I always knew what to say. And then we became just as good as friends as I did with him. This was around the time where I was plunged into the darkness after he left. Eventually, we slowly and slowly started to hang out, started to get to know each other a bit better. Me, I never told anyone about my past, I was always mysterious with her and the guy. My ethnic background was my solid ground for my jokes to hold a bond and connection with them, they adored it. But the more I got to know her, the more I started to see similarities of a pain she was in. Thankfully, by God's grace, it was nothing like my background but her grief led to similar griefs as mine. So I really started to get interested in her, how could someone in such a great family, great community, great support suffer such similar consequences from different actions? As my mental state started to take a toll on me, I became sloppy. I started mentioning some of my griefs as well, but not their causes. We both talk and talk, and we start being more open. Really, I hate it when I am vulnerable. This tough shell, this fake side I put up just for them to like me was slowly starting to crack and leak some information about myself. All I wanted to do was feel the love I never had growing up, have really good friends, and maybe to help me learn from them how it is to live a life as theirs. It might seem like obsession, this friendship, but it isn't. I don't want to be selfish and fill their minds with such a scary dark place I have been. I didn't want to scare them away. I know that sounds selfish of me to help others, like them, but not ask for help in return but I try to be 100% safe. But my mental state, or whatever illness I may have is starting to take a psychological toll on me. This gift has a price, a terrible price. But it also has a great outcome for others. A few of my friends know that I am “going though things” but it's only things, everyone goes through things so it's normal, that's my alibi if someone starts to really question. But with her, I started to open up a bit. Bit by bit. She doesn't understand why I am like this, so do I to be honest. She is worried, and she's right, but I don't want her to be. She knows nothing of detail, of my past that I haven't told anyone yet, only things that others know already like my friends death or growing up with foreign parents is hard. But nothing of explicit detail, she knows my guilt but not why. It's all caused by my past, of course, but the way that I started to grow dysfunctionally even confuses me of how I really am. The other worst thing is, she is leaving as well. Maybe that's why I was breaking, eventually the day would come, but this quick? These emotions take time to develop over the years, but then everything started hitting me again. Sadness, desperation, etc. This is really bad for my health. I would probably have to hide again in the shadows, I didn't grab the light yet as I mentioned earlier, so I wouldn't be as affected if I had to return to my dark area in life. Otherwise, if I reached the light and grabbed it, it would take me so far up but eventually, like now, it would forcefully disappear. The scary part is the higher you go, the further you fall. The more painful it is. While I was being friends with her and talked to her. I started thinking more about her. During the time, I grew to love her. Here's the thing, I already know the difference between love and lust. I stay away from lust as much as possible. But I don't know the difference between love and the love of being that family I always wanted to grow up in. For short words, I guess you can say she is like a sister to me. But she isn't my blood… is this the same love my brother had for the family that kind of took him in??? I can't tell… even worse, I fear that she would become like that girl I so loved dearly where she reminds me now only of heartache and dreadfulness. She is leaving, even further than my guy friend, to the other side of the world maybe… now, that's a new terrible experience to feel right now… I understand and want the best for her, really, I do. But why does all of this separation come at the best and worst times?! I hate my life, every other reason to act as Job from Job 3:11 … She wants to know why I seem so weird and emotional because those cracks are becoming more fluid like waterfalls. I am saying more guilts and she might be worried. But she says that I can trust her and that she loves me like a brother. She probably does hate seeing me like this and she wants to know only if I am ready to tell her. If yes, then I link her to this blog, if not, then I torture myself even more. But I have to stay away from people, why did I come to people in the first place, because I heard that voice in class to meet him? I am afraid if I make the wrong choice, I don't know if this is the Devils work to make me suffer this pain or God's mercy to a inevitable outcome, that I am not 100% sure of, that could somehow miraculously help me. But as said way before, I rather suffer 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking another worthy humans life because of my past… I do not know…
2/25/18
Right now, the girl I am friends with is slowly starting to become what I see when I look at the other girl every Sunday. I can't take it anymore, and I can't do anything about it! The only thing that can eventually help is time. I haven't felt this maximum miserable feeling for a long time, it's been going on for a little over a month now. I can't concentrate at all in school, I dropped out of a class. God, I wish you can end it all and give me peace, just euthanize me already. I can't even cry anymore or show physical outer emotion anymore, even if I do, my tears are not salty which I find very disturbing. I recently started a Instagram and people post really nice pictures of themselves there, conservative but beautiful. I looked at her photos once for the first time and immediately threw my phone out. A intense pain hit me in the heart. I can't look at these photos of her, it makes me more miserable. I realized, when I looked at these photos, that this is something I can't have, something I don't deserve. Love. Growing up, I learned that being attached to something or liking something would eventually be taken away to hurt. So right now, everything I like or love to do becomes my motivation to not like it anymore. It cancels out with itself. It happens by force, I can't control it. Love is the main one with that problem, I want to love but my body declines it in every way. Even if I really like something like a event or doing something special or doing some hobbies of mine become dead and obsolete to me. Eventually regret takes a toll but being there, doing something special to me, becomes another burden with my thoughts torturing me. I hate what I became.
Now, all I do is lay in bed. Sometimes I just stare outside and think. My thoughts haunt me, I look like someone you would see in a asylum in my room. I'm on my phone trying to hangout with her so I can try to feel better. But it's very rare to try to get that to work. All that works is talking to her through social media. That's my highlight of the day, each day. I don't want to seem desperate or awkward but if she reads this, she might understand me or straight up cut out our friendship. I also don't want her to know, I don't want her to worry and have a burden because of me. Yet, I want help, I need help. I feel like I'm dying legitimately. I believe some disease or something will have me life threatening. I just want to die in peace knowing I will go to heaven. But I need to overcome this first before anything. I know that in order to be get to heaven, you need to be cleansed, right now, I'm stained.
My birthday is coming up, I hate it so much. It just reminds me of another year of torture and how long I've been struggling. The only reason why I'm looking forward to it this one time is just so that's it's another excuse to be with my dear friend(s). They don't know my birthday is coming up yet, I don't want them to get me anything. But I will just try to tell them on that day so we can plan something hopefully. I'm so desperate but I don't make it obvious to the people around me. Which is a good thing I guess. My eating schedule is terrible, sometimes I won't eat the whole day, I'm not hungry. But I know I need to eat because I would feel weak and nauseous if I don't. I would eat a very small plate of food throughout the day and have milk to hydrate myself. Food makes me want to vomit and the feeling of hunger satisfies me. These are just the other things that are apart of my burden right now. I know I said a lot, maybe too much but I'm just dumping everything out. Laying everything on the table. There's more but my memory is failing me.
I might post later about the other things in life that trouble me, right now, almost just as much as this rebuttal with myself.
