In August last year (2018) was when this all started.
My retina tore and everything went black. Well, actually it went red first. Kind of like the filters you see in an escape room in a horror film. The white lights are orange, the bright room is a deep shade of blood red, and the sunlight peeking through the cracks of the window blinds is a bright royal red. That was fun. Real fun.
My vision went in my eye the day before my doctors appointment for my broken foot. I had broken it about a week prior to the appointment. As they say, patience is key.
Except when my vision went. I went to the doctors 30 minutes before the office closed. Actually I ended up getting there about 5 minutes in advance. But my amazing ophthalmologist waited for me. He was faithful- and still is to this day. I will never forget the look of horror he had on his face when he saw the images. And the deafly silence that followed.
He sent me to another eye doctor- a retina specialist. I was the only person under the age of 50 there any of the times I went- and I spent a fair amount of time in that office. The first time I got an injection in my eye that hurt like the dickens. And after the injection, everything went black. It was red until then, but everything went black. That wasn't the end of it, though.
My vision continued to come and go for about 5 months, the time it did was horrible. Just as I began to adjust to the way I was seeing, it all changed again. My perception was horrible. I had to use a cane. I had to wear sunglasses on top of my regular glasses on top of my eyepatch- all at the same time in that order. FUN! Loads of fun.
And the best part of EVERYTHING... when my vision went one of about 35 times (no exaggeration), I got out of the shower and hit my broken foot, head first, on the face of the landing step on my way upstairs. I sprained my achilles tendon. My leg was swollen up to my mid thigh. So I had an uniboot up past my knee underneath of my walking boot. And by that point a similar thing had happened with my opposite ankle. So I happily had an air-cast on the other ankle as well.
My grandma was, an continues to be, super supportive through all of this. But her suggestion to take me to the mall to make me feel better was an epic fail. My anxiety skyrocketed before I even got there at the thought of being pushed in a wheelchair by my grandmother with her sciatica. I had an anxiety attack and could hardly breathe. Not only did I have sunglasses, glasses, and eyepatch and a wheelchair. I was crying from anxiety then crying harder because she took me to the book store and I couldn't read a single title. I only lost my vision in one eye, but the other was so strained that I could not focus enough to see anything well.
Yeah...
So all the trips to the ER and the pediatrist and the retina specialist and the ophthalmologist and the Cleveland Clinic specialists (yes we went that far)... the whole time I was listening to the WonderBible audio Bible that my close friend bought me after it all started. I listened to the music tracks on it in the er while I held a stuffed dog I have had since I was about 3. I felt stupid, as I was 19 at the time. But I didn't care because I didn't know who I was or what was happening and I just didn't care.
As you can imagine, after a few months of this hell, I screamed at God. I lashed out at him. I fell to my knees repetitively to no avail. So I got angry. I figured if he would leave me at my worst moments, he didn't deserve me at my best. So I left.
I left him the week before Christmas, but the distance had been building since everything started. My whole world fell apart - where was God?
To this day, I still don't know. I don't know where he was. But I know he's here now. He's calling me. Despite how much I try to avoid him, my mind always wonders back to him. And I feel his presence as soon as I think his name, but I was angry. I was soooo angry. I am afraid to fall on my knees again. To be totally vulnerable. To trust the one person I thought would never break me.
But this is the day. I am terrified. I am LITERALLY shaking with anxiety as I write this. But I need to take a step. because I have fallen hard. And I have fallen fast. And I am afraid to see what happens if I fall any farther, because I have already hit the ground.
So this is the day.
Jesus, I give my life to you again. Please forgive me. Please cleanse me. Please heal me, Father. Thank you for not leaving, even when I thought you did. And thank you for accepting me home so willingly, even when I have wronged you so many times. I love you. And I am terribly sorry. Please welcome me back. Please. I need you.
I need you.
My retina tore and everything went black. Well, actually it went red first. Kind of like the filters you see in an escape room in a horror film. The white lights are orange, the bright room is a deep shade of blood red, and the sunlight peeking through the cracks of the window blinds is a bright royal red. That was fun. Real fun.
My vision went in my eye the day before my doctors appointment for my broken foot. I had broken it about a week prior to the appointment. As they say, patience is key.
Except when my vision went. I went to the doctors 30 minutes before the office closed. Actually I ended up getting there about 5 minutes in advance. But my amazing ophthalmologist waited for me. He was faithful- and still is to this day. I will never forget the look of horror he had on his face when he saw the images. And the deafly silence that followed.
He sent me to another eye doctor- a retina specialist. I was the only person under the age of 50 there any of the times I went- and I spent a fair amount of time in that office. The first time I got an injection in my eye that hurt like the dickens. And after the injection, everything went black. It was red until then, but everything went black. That wasn't the end of it, though.
My vision continued to come and go for about 5 months, the time it did was horrible. Just as I began to adjust to the way I was seeing, it all changed again. My perception was horrible. I had to use a cane. I had to wear sunglasses on top of my regular glasses on top of my eyepatch- all at the same time in that order. FUN! Loads of fun.
And the best part of EVERYTHING... when my vision went one of about 35 times (no exaggeration), I got out of the shower and hit my broken foot, head first, on the face of the landing step on my way upstairs. I sprained my achilles tendon. My leg was swollen up to my mid thigh. So I had an uniboot up past my knee underneath of my walking boot. And by that point a similar thing had happened with my opposite ankle. So I happily had an air-cast on the other ankle as well.
My grandma was, an continues to be, super supportive through all of this. But her suggestion to take me to the mall to make me feel better was an epic fail. My anxiety skyrocketed before I even got there at the thought of being pushed in a wheelchair by my grandmother with her sciatica. I had an anxiety attack and could hardly breathe. Not only did I have sunglasses, glasses, and eyepatch and a wheelchair. I was crying from anxiety then crying harder because she took me to the book store and I couldn't read a single title. I only lost my vision in one eye, but the other was so strained that I could not focus enough to see anything well.
Yeah...
So all the trips to the ER and the pediatrist and the retina specialist and the ophthalmologist and the Cleveland Clinic specialists (yes we went that far)... the whole time I was listening to the WonderBible audio Bible that my close friend bought me after it all started. I listened to the music tracks on it in the er while I held a stuffed dog I have had since I was about 3. I felt stupid, as I was 19 at the time. But I didn't care because I didn't know who I was or what was happening and I just didn't care.
As you can imagine, after a few months of this hell, I screamed at God. I lashed out at him. I fell to my knees repetitively to no avail. So I got angry. I figured if he would leave me at my worst moments, he didn't deserve me at my best. So I left.
I left him the week before Christmas, but the distance had been building since everything started. My whole world fell apart - where was God?
To this day, I still don't know. I don't know where he was. But I know he's here now. He's calling me. Despite how much I try to avoid him, my mind always wonders back to him. And I feel his presence as soon as I think his name, but I was angry. I was soooo angry. I am afraid to fall on my knees again. To be totally vulnerable. To trust the one person I thought would never break me.
But this is the day. I am terrified. I am LITERALLY shaking with anxiety as I write this. But I need to take a step. because I have fallen hard. And I have fallen fast. And I am afraid to see what happens if I fall any farther, because I have already hit the ground.
So this is the day.
Jesus, I give my life to you again. Please forgive me. Please cleanse me. Please heal me, Father. Thank you for not leaving, even when I thought you did. And thank you for accepting me home so willingly, even when I have wronged you so many times. I love you. And I am terribly sorry. Please welcome me back. Please. I need you.
I need you.
