I woke up somewhere between 4-5 and I couldn't fall back asleep. I'll try again later.
I think this is what being sick does to me. I woke up coughing again with a headache in the back of my head. I had thoughts of my friends who have all but moved on.
I remember when I was making the steps to move forward and out of here. Back when I was dreaming about where to go next and the little faces and immature comments one of my friends gave me kind of discouraged me. When did I stop believing simple when my friends stop supporting me in what I needed to do for me. Because back in July I was finding a way into happiness. I had several good friends in my life. But one by one God blessed them and life became busy again for all of us. And the excuses annoyed me and I stopped caring. If friendships go by the wayside because one is "busy" or because a boy entered their life, then I wonder if the friendship really was what I believed it to be.
I'm not bipolar. I know what bipolar looks like. I have never had a "manic" phase in my life. I have never had an extreme high where I thought I could fly so to speak. Heck, I work with bipolar people. I know the extremities of their mind. And anyone who suggests that I'm bipolar needs to read my blog carefully. There has never been a high.
I reread my blog and couldn't find anything that suggested I have had a high recently, and anyone who thinks so haven't been living in my life. Major Depressive Disorder yes although its probably more Dysthmia by now.
If I can't post my thoughts without being diagnosed, then I won't post my thoughts again. I know my diagnosis. My job entails diagnosing people. I remember when I worked on a certain unit at the Psych ward how they said everyone can go crazy on this job. Dealing with teens who don't want to do chores makes it difficult for me to not want to do my chores.
Is it wrong to want to be happy? Not on a "high" but just plain old happy. Where the blessings others gets actually happen in my life. Or am I just being selfish.
I just want out of this town. I'm stuck here until my lease is up and I"m afraid I'll get stuck here again.
Prayer doesn't change anything. Fighting back from a verbally abusive relationship and an emotionally destructive one is exhausting. When you lose the support system that you thought was in place, it becomes at least twice the work.
If I was naive, I'd think God was "preparing" me for something by taking all my friendships away. But I'm not naive anymore. I don't think God is doing much of anything, if anything at all.
I think this is what being sick does to me. I woke up coughing again with a headache in the back of my head. I had thoughts of my friends who have all but moved on.
I remember when I was making the steps to move forward and out of here. Back when I was dreaming about where to go next and the little faces and immature comments one of my friends gave me kind of discouraged me. When did I stop believing simple when my friends stop supporting me in what I needed to do for me. Because back in July I was finding a way into happiness. I had several good friends in my life. But one by one God blessed them and life became busy again for all of us. And the excuses annoyed me and I stopped caring. If friendships go by the wayside because one is "busy" or because a boy entered their life, then I wonder if the friendship really was what I believed it to be.
I'm not bipolar. I know what bipolar looks like. I have never had a "manic" phase in my life. I have never had an extreme high where I thought I could fly so to speak. Heck, I work with bipolar people. I know the extremities of their mind. And anyone who suggests that I'm bipolar needs to read my blog carefully. There has never been a high.
I reread my blog and couldn't find anything that suggested I have had a high recently, and anyone who thinks so haven't been living in my life. Major Depressive Disorder yes although its probably more Dysthmia by now.
If I can't post my thoughts without being diagnosed, then I won't post my thoughts again. I know my diagnosis. My job entails diagnosing people. I remember when I worked on a certain unit at the Psych ward how they said everyone can go crazy on this job. Dealing with teens who don't want to do chores makes it difficult for me to not want to do my chores.
Is it wrong to want to be happy? Not on a "high" but just plain old happy. Where the blessings others gets actually happen in my life. Or am I just being selfish.
I just want out of this town. I'm stuck here until my lease is up and I"m afraid I'll get stuck here again.
Prayer doesn't change anything. Fighting back from a verbally abusive relationship and an emotionally destructive one is exhausting. When you lose the support system that you thought was in place, it becomes at least twice the work.
If I was naive, I'd think God was "preparing" me for something by taking all my friendships away. But I'm not naive anymore. I don't think God is doing much of anything, if anything at all.
