I'd like life to stop for moment and let me breathe, if it could just stop and I could walk and just be. The days run into each other and my mind still feels like I am on autopilot, I can go days without crying now but its like a tap and runs on the drop of a hat. Someone asks how I am doing and I know that question is no more a polite nicety it is an inquiry into the emotional state of mind concerning the death of my child. It is asking me how I am surviving and I dread the question. The truth is I don't know how to answer this question, I am making the motions of life because I have to. Sometimes I am okay and sometimes I am not, If I don't think about it I am fine, if I do I am not. How can I be fine and when is it okay to be fine, because the truth is I have moments where I am fine and I feel guilty for it. I think though the moments are when I don't let myself believe that it true.
The truth is my daughter suffered she was in emotional and mental pain everyday and it broke my heart. I am angry about that because she was such an amazing girl and I often looked at her in awe over her 17 years of life. Growing up she had a spirit of constant laughter and love for life and everyone around her. She loved to sing and dance and laugh. We spent many days dancing around the living room. I miss her hugs and snuggles and I feel ripped off that she has been take from me. However I would not wish her back into her painful life, I know she is now at peace and I feel her around me sometimes and I have to let her go. Some days, I would love to run away and escape the questions and sympathetic looks and questions. I need to learn to be okay with being okay and also its okay to not be okay. Grieving is like the waves on the ocean my favorite place I hope to go there soon and I know I will grieve and cry there as I watch the waves go in and out switching between the rough crashing against the shore and the calm as the water softens and goes back out to the sea just like my grief. I miss you belle, I love you to the moon and I'm sorry you could not find your peace on earth and that I couldn't help you.....
The truth is my daughter suffered she was in emotional and mental pain everyday and it broke my heart. I am angry about that because she was such an amazing girl and I often looked at her in awe over her 17 years of life. Growing up she had a spirit of constant laughter and love for life and everyone around her. She loved to sing and dance and laugh. We spent many days dancing around the living room. I miss her hugs and snuggles and I feel ripped off that she has been take from me. However I would not wish her back into her painful life, I know she is now at peace and I feel her around me sometimes and I have to let her go. Some days, I would love to run away and escape the questions and sympathetic looks and questions. I need to learn to be okay with being okay and also its okay to not be okay. Grieving is like the waves on the ocean my favorite place I hope to go there soon and I know I will grieve and cry there as I watch the waves go in and out switching between the rough crashing against the shore and the calm as the water softens and goes back out to the sea just like my grief. I miss you belle, I love you to the moon and I'm sorry you could not find your peace on earth and that I couldn't help you.....
