Seven Months

7 months its been since I lost my daughter to an accidental overdose. The first few months were foggy, at 6 months I felt like I woke up a bit it was actually painful and I could start to look around. I found that many people had left or weren't there to begin with that surprised me. I still was in school so somehow I have stuffed this reality somewhere behind me, like a backpack and I function. Often it is in the car when I am driving home that the emotions I have kept in all day take over and I am sobbing. Who am I now? What do I live for? It really feels like a dream some days how could it possibly be real. I am isolating, in my room on my computer, blaming homework to be done but often just mindlessly reading the web to escape. I have never felt such apathy, I just often don't care about anything I only continue the monotony because I have no choice. I often dream of leaving and traveling, I think my brain believes there is peace to be found somewhere other than here where the memories are. Where the people who I have animosity towards for no reason other than I don't want their sympathetic looks or uncomfortableness around me because they don't know what to say. I'm lonely yet push everyone away most of the time, wish for love but have no tolerance for anything. Can't yet enjoy life though I am hopeful one day I will find some purpose, some peace, something comfortable. I want to move yet I am scared it will feel lonelier than I do right now. I hope one day to comfort someone who is going through what I am and will know what to say. I will continue to message them even if they seem to be ignoring me and say I'm here, I'm thinking about you, let's hang out and talk about nothing, knowing that is enough.