Then I was thinking about how I lived in Hell after that, my own private hell, at 11. I guess it was for only a year but it seemed like soo long. I went though again going to another school and trying to adjust, but it wasn't going well. I wasn't connecting with anyone in my class. In fact it was almost like I wasn't even there- when I was there and not skipping school. I was always daydreaming, in fantasyland. What really made it hell though (since I had been through similar experiences) was the fact there was no one in the neighborhood to make friends with & hang out with. There was no neighborhood group. Met a couple gals that I made friends with through walking to school (and we hung out at recess, but that was it). Like we always came and went through the same routes at the same time. One was a Chinese gal, she seemed smart, funny in a dry sarcastic way. I think I amused her since I was different and like wild. But she didn't go out since her family was on her about her work and they owned the restaurant there at the corner- she was kept very busy & protected. They other gal was outgoing, loud and bold and I remember she was shorter than me (rare) and had light brown hair. Sadly I don't remember either of their names. And, I have no clue how they were around the same age but none of them were in my class (I guess they were just below me in grade). They other of "they" was Sandy...Sandy P (another Greek gal). I think I met her the same way. She lived on the only apt. building on the block before the busy street, around the corner from me.
All I know is that a whirlwind hit me. she was friendly, social, outgoing, cheerful, active & busy, mind always running. Not so deep or big on deep thought (but that's ok everybody has their own gifts). We hung out sometimes at her place after school. Like we'd meet up on the way home and hang out for awhile. I did want to stay friends with her and hang out with her more but...She was beyond me... she was sooo social & had a total lack of self-consciousness, like no boundaries kind of thing. I remember a couple of times she would change right there in front of me- not even warn me or go into another room or anything. She was touchy (affectionate like) and in my business. Even though I liked having friends I was still a private type person- she would have none of it. She also was blunt, but in a non malicious way.
I remember one time I wasn't feeling good emotionally and I didn't want to get together. She had come by my apt. to get me. I must have told my family to say I wasn't there or sick or something. Anyway all of a sudden there she was, inside my apt. I was think how in the world did she get in here???
So I liked her, but I was overwhelmed. Also, even though we were the same age (or not much different), we weren't in the same classroom. She was more mature than me in most ways. She was starting to date, I was so naive about all that. She was a fashion gal, I think she was using make up. But I remember at school I tried to stay away from her. I didn't really fit into her social scene there, and didn't want to try, or to embarrass her.
After school it was a different story. Sometimes I tried to go to her house to get her, but she usually wasn't home (no one was) I remember her parents not being around, I remember her showing me how she had to do all these things for herself & by herself ( I was amazed). I got the feeling she didn't like to be in her house alone, and so went out a lot. I wanted to be around her more, but I wrestled with that because at the same time I didn't want to be annoying.
It's funny when I think about it Sandy reminds me of Melissa. I wonder if she grew up to be like her. Then it's funny how the other day I noticed "Touched by an Angel” and they had this storyline with this actress that I don't know- so I don't know how I knew what her name was ( I guess hearing it in passing sometime). Lainie Kazan.That actress reminded totally of Melissa (same voice same facial expressions etc.), like she'd probably be like that in 25 yrs. or so. It's interesting how sometimes one person can be so much like someone else. A lot of times when things close together in the same time period point to a person, that often means I'm going to see that person soon. That would be nice…
I don't remember how long we kept up our friendship but then we didn't hang out anymore (maybe after I stopped going to school and see couldn't see her en route).
In any case I compensated for my lack of socialization through retreating into my imagination. I call it fantasyland. I did go out a lot (was not going to be shut in as well), but I hated it because I was alone all the time. I used to go across the street to the park- by myself, and feed the squirrels, skateboard or just walk around. Once I noticed there was this one guy with blond hair around my age who sometimes came to the park. I actually got myself a basketball so I could try and shoot baskets and get his attention. I didn't get to meet him though. I went to the stores, library, took the bus to the mall, even the movies. Used to go to the Osco at the corner and play the only (and like the first) video game. There just were no kids around, and certainly not on a regular basis- it was mostly elderly people. If I wasn't doing those things, I was losing myself in music, coming up and drawing a cartoon world, and TV. For me it was awful, even worse than the times I was getting picked on/ & or fighting with whoever- because at least then I still had some positive interactions to offset that. I realize though that I may not be a social butterfly, but I'm not like my aunt. Being totally alone, & or a recluse drives me crazy. I gotta interact with people on a regular basis. I still have to have my times to get away, recharge etc. but not all the time.
After being married so long, and then having kids- I don't like going places alone anymore. I mean I never did like it, but now it like makes me really uncomfortable. I don't even like going to the store alone. Not because I'm scared or like don't know what to do. But I'm soo used to having someone to interact with (whatever type of interaction that is).
So it really was like coming out of prison out of hell, for me, once we moved from there. Right now I'm not going to write about the next stage of my life and relationships. But I will say as for my closest friend a thought had come to me about my previous relationships (friends & family) most of which I remember all the way to when I was 5. This time this friendship was different for me too, because I tried, I really tried. I tried to be a good friend, sacrifice and be loyal. So this is part of it. It's not just about how they were, not just about how they treated me ( of which I felt valued and taken seriously for the first time) but too that it helped me grow and be a better person. I guess I felt like a better person (than I did before) not only because they treated me as someone of value but also because it helped make me want to be a better person and a better friend, and changing for the better (internally) can help you feel better about yourself and not like a piece of dirt. I wasn't Mother Theresa or anything but at least I had a glimmer of hope, of potential.
They brought out the best in me (also though in one way the lowest). It was the best of times and also not the worst- but the hardest.
All I know is that a whirlwind hit me. she was friendly, social, outgoing, cheerful, active & busy, mind always running. Not so deep or big on deep thought (but that's ok everybody has their own gifts). We hung out sometimes at her place after school. Like we'd meet up on the way home and hang out for awhile. I did want to stay friends with her and hang out with her more but...She was beyond me... she was sooo social & had a total lack of self-consciousness, like no boundaries kind of thing. I remember a couple of times she would change right there in front of me- not even warn me or go into another room or anything. She was touchy (affectionate like) and in my business. Even though I liked having friends I was still a private type person- she would have none of it. She also was blunt, but in a non malicious way.
I remember one time I wasn't feeling good emotionally and I didn't want to get together. She had come by my apt. to get me. I must have told my family to say I wasn't there or sick or something. Anyway all of a sudden there she was, inside my apt. I was think how in the world did she get in here???
So I liked her, but I was overwhelmed. Also, even though we were the same age (or not much different), we weren't in the same classroom. She was more mature than me in most ways. She was starting to date, I was so naive about all that. She was a fashion gal, I think she was using make up. But I remember at school I tried to stay away from her. I didn't really fit into her social scene there, and didn't want to try, or to embarrass her.
After school it was a different story. Sometimes I tried to go to her house to get her, but she usually wasn't home (no one was) I remember her parents not being around, I remember her showing me how she had to do all these things for herself & by herself ( I was amazed). I got the feeling she didn't like to be in her house alone, and so went out a lot. I wanted to be around her more, but I wrestled with that because at the same time I didn't want to be annoying.
It's funny when I think about it Sandy reminds me of Melissa. I wonder if she grew up to be like her. Then it's funny how the other day I noticed "Touched by an Angel” and they had this storyline with this actress that I don't know- so I don't know how I knew what her name was ( I guess hearing it in passing sometime). Lainie Kazan.That actress reminded totally of Melissa (same voice same facial expressions etc.), like she'd probably be like that in 25 yrs. or so. It's interesting how sometimes one person can be so much like someone else. A lot of times when things close together in the same time period point to a person, that often means I'm going to see that person soon. That would be nice…
I don't remember how long we kept up our friendship but then we didn't hang out anymore (maybe after I stopped going to school and see couldn't see her en route).
In any case I compensated for my lack of socialization through retreating into my imagination. I call it fantasyland. I did go out a lot (was not going to be shut in as well), but I hated it because I was alone all the time. I used to go across the street to the park- by myself, and feed the squirrels, skateboard or just walk around. Once I noticed there was this one guy with blond hair around my age who sometimes came to the park. I actually got myself a basketball so I could try and shoot baskets and get his attention. I didn't get to meet him though. I went to the stores, library, took the bus to the mall, even the movies. Used to go to the Osco at the corner and play the only (and like the first) video game. There just were no kids around, and certainly not on a regular basis- it was mostly elderly people. If I wasn't doing those things, I was losing myself in music, coming up and drawing a cartoon world, and TV. For me it was awful, even worse than the times I was getting picked on/ & or fighting with whoever- because at least then I still had some positive interactions to offset that. I realize though that I may not be a social butterfly, but I'm not like my aunt. Being totally alone, & or a recluse drives me crazy. I gotta interact with people on a regular basis. I still have to have my times to get away, recharge etc. but not all the time.
After being married so long, and then having kids- I don't like going places alone anymore. I mean I never did like it, but now it like makes me really uncomfortable. I don't even like going to the store alone. Not because I'm scared or like don't know what to do. But I'm soo used to having someone to interact with (whatever type of interaction that is).
So it really was like coming out of prison out of hell, for me, once we moved from there. Right now I'm not going to write about the next stage of my life and relationships. But I will say as for my closest friend a thought had come to me about my previous relationships (friends & family) most of which I remember all the way to when I was 5. This time this friendship was different for me too, because I tried, I really tried. I tried to be a good friend, sacrifice and be loyal. So this is part of it. It's not just about how they were, not just about how they treated me ( of which I felt valued and taken seriously for the first time) but too that it helped me grow and be a better person. I guess I felt like a better person (than I did before) not only because they treated me as someone of value but also because it helped make me want to be a better person and a better friend, and changing for the better (internally) can help you feel better about yourself and not like a piece of dirt. I wasn't Mother Theresa or anything but at least I had a glimmer of hope, of potential.
They brought out the best in me (also though in one way the lowest). It was the best of times and also not the worst- but the hardest.
