I was remembering a lot the other day, about the old days- the old old days, OK my childhood. "Childhood" sounds so far away. I guess it is but, I remember a lot of it very clearly.
It started by the thought coming to me, you know my mother didn't teach much about relationships- she didn't even try (as far as I can remember).
By her example my mother showed me that her dating/romantic relationships with men were important to her. They came next after her career. I saw she put a lot of time and emotional energy into them. I don't think I was jealous but I was a bit bitter about that. Like how come I always get the short end of the stick. Then when I found out that my mother used to cook for her boyfriend- like special meals that really bothered me.
There were a bunch of strange dysfunctional type things in my childhood- like the fact my mother never cooked dinner for me. I would say never cooked, but from when I was like 6-9, somewhere in there, she used to sometimes cook omelets/eggs for me on the weekend. Now I have come to see that wasn’t a break from my neglect, because for sometime she had an extra part time job at Sears doing sales, demonstrating and selling nonstick pans. She made omelets during this. So once again I was just her guinea pig, no desire to do something for me- just to help improve (her cooking to sell more pans).
I guess I can understand a single mother who working like her, not wanting or maybe not even having the energy to cook during the week. But she could have at least made dinner for me/us on the weekends- never...
I in my childlike hope, I guess told myself it was because she couldn't cook. So I let her off the hook, and put it out of my mind. I think some personality disorders deal a lot like that (like HPD, ASPD maybe NPD). It becomes a pattern of how to deal with negative/hurtful implications. A perception/understanding/realization is too overwhelming/too painful so you (purposely) just don't let it enter or you drop it from your mind. I did that a lot, it was one of my main coping mechanisms, especially say before 13.
It's different from DID coping because I remember most of what happened to me, and my feelings during. Yet to make it less overwhelming and painful I blocked out thought and understanding of what those situations etc. meant/implied. In a way it's good and helps to get on with life, to somehow still be able to enjoy other things. I seriously think it kept me from more depression as a child. Sure it make me seem simple & naive, but helped my own inner world somehow.
So I guess I really wasn't so dense, shallow, and brutish. This coping pattern helped me keep my mind out of it and kept me in general from going totally into a pt (like when I was a teen and allowed myself to perceive more).
Then when I found out as a teen because my mother was cooking over at her boyfriends, I was very bothered about that- not only feelings but perception broke through. Sooo…“She can cook, she just doesn't care about you to cook for you.”
Anyway, relationships... she never gave me any kind of advice about relationships friendships or otherwise. She did tell me some negative things about men. This being, along the lines of how men are the bosses, are in control of everything, therefore it's hard for a woman to get a break, to advance. Men pulled the strings in the working world and woman have to work twice as hard to get anywhere. She started working as a teen, she was on the forefront in the beginning days when woman were trying to advance in the workplace (in the 70's). She was there in the middle of it, in the business world and in college. In this area I did believe her, and mostly still do (although since more woman are out there, things have improved).
Ha getting a bit off the path... now that I think about it. You know, how much better is it really for woman (individually) to have another woman for a boss than a man? OK some men can go on a power trip, but some woman can & would make it hard for another woman as well. The whole competition/envy thing can come into play. I think actually woman have the potential to be worse- sneaky devious about it. Personally I don't think most men would purposely try to get you fired. No wait, I take that back - yea for one main reason-if a woman doesn't comply with their advances. The sin nature can come out with either sex...I wasn't in the workforce much...oooh but I did have a female co-worker who had it in for me, and tried everything to undermine me and to tell the boss negative things about me (probably tried to get me fired). All this was in the traditional female ways. All with the phony two-faced games that woman can play. Thank God males usually don't play games like that. Usually if they're out to get you (more like get back at you) they'll let you know straight out...
She didn't warn me about women, but she didn't have to, I could learn of the evil sides plenty enough through my own household. She talked a lot about her work relationships with males, but not about her personal ones (which I think was better that way anyway). I don't know what if anything I learned from her example (through her marriage & dating) all I knew as a child is it cost me time & attention from her. Then as teen I came to see it as her one weak spot. She presented herself one way (which she mostly was) but behind the scenes when it came to her romantic relationships she could get all messed up, confused, weak, vulnerable, not so confident. I didn't take joy in that though. Again, I didn't think- about my mothers weaknesses. Certainly I didn't like it when she drank, or got depressed while drinking. By the time I was in my teens I didn't care anymore, she had her life, I had mine. We just both lived in the same apt., and came and went.
She had a few female friends over the years. Like she was social and knew a lot of people, she'd go out a lot and meet people and do & talk like how your supposed to in those settings. So she had a lot of acquaintances. Yet she had few if any friends, like casual non close friends. She did have a few close friends (like 4 ) that she actually kept in touch with, talked with got together with from time to time. I hate to say but I think she was like how I hate. If things were going well with the boyfriend she barely (if at all) had time for her friends. Like if she could do whatever (go to the museum, concert etc.) with the boyfriend she would pick him over her friends. I felt she went with her friends when her first choice ( the boyfriend) fell though or wasn't interested in her activity (of course, I was the last choice).
I think 3 out of the 4 friends were because they asked her for advice. She loved to give her advice, and loved to tell others what she thinks is best for them to do. I remember the two had a lot of problems or liked talk about their problems to my mother ( they seemed to have a lot of emotional problems, not lifestyle issues, um not like they were in the"getto", lol my mother only liked "working people"). Who knows maybe they thought highly of my mother, that she knew what she was talking about... the other I'm not sure. I think it was because this gal was very quiet, calm & mild mannered. So that way again, my mother could do all the talking & directing. This lady also was pretty educated and was a teacher, more refined, but not the star type ( to steal my mothers shine). All fitting in with the Narc patterns...
I don't know how someone could willingly choose to put up with my mothers ego & overbearingness (ha, ok ok I had a best friend pretty similar...at least though she couldn't tell me what to do, didn't nag me 24/7... fun to hang out with/active, good conversationalist, pretty loyal).
Then I was thinking about how it really was more like 2 years that my mother left me, to live somewhere else. I was thinking about those school years and realized, she was gone for my 4 & 5th school yrs. LOL my mother didn't want to be low class (or ghetto) but that's the mindset of someone with NPD. Just as long as you have a good job, are educated (or in process) look good, say all the right things at the right time, and having a good catch on you arm... who cares how you treat your child your family...who cares what's in your heart, your character etc...
So maybe I learned, inadvertently from my mother- not to treat people like dirt (my mother treated everyone that way- just the family got it the worst). Later on I tried not to, I came to realize that I believed that all people had worth- no matter their skin color, intelligence, status etc.. Yes, I wanted to be ambitious like my mother, get things done, improve- but I didn't want to step on or hurt others to get there. I decided to value relationships as more important than "success".
I thought about my old best friend when I was 9 & 10- Effie. She was a Greek ( and pretty orthodox, I remember her praying) gal- I remember her like yesterday: social,, friendly, outgoing, bright, cheerful & positive, forgiving...I still have a piece of this bird made out of shells that she brought me back from when she took a trip to Florida. No one ever did anything like that for me before. She was a great friend- I was a jerk. I wasn't horrible but I was careless callous and took advantage of her good graces & forgiving nature. One time I did something very wrong towards her- it wasn't her, it was because I was messed up internally and she just happened to be the one there.
I didn't value our friendship then as I should have. I think now I was put back a bit by how friendly and caring she was towards me, since I wasn't used to that. I've asked God for forgiveness. I hope she's still the same or even better, I hope she's saved.
I was thinking how when I was in school during that time, I had "friends" at school, but it stayed there. I had a few friends, the gals were either nice to me or didn't give me problems. But, they were more like the kind of friends that I just talked to and hung around with at school. Nobody ever asked me to sleep over at their house, or we didn't get together on the weekend. I wasn't deeply bothered about that 'cause I had my other friends to hang out with, from the neighborhood (particularly the gal above mentioned).
It started by the thought coming to me, you know my mother didn't teach much about relationships- she didn't even try (as far as I can remember).
By her example my mother showed me that her dating/romantic relationships with men were important to her. They came next after her career. I saw she put a lot of time and emotional energy into them. I don't think I was jealous but I was a bit bitter about that. Like how come I always get the short end of the stick. Then when I found out that my mother used to cook for her boyfriend- like special meals that really bothered me.
There were a bunch of strange dysfunctional type things in my childhood- like the fact my mother never cooked dinner for me. I would say never cooked, but from when I was like 6-9, somewhere in there, she used to sometimes cook omelets/eggs for me on the weekend. Now I have come to see that wasn’t a break from my neglect, because for sometime she had an extra part time job at Sears doing sales, demonstrating and selling nonstick pans. She made omelets during this. So once again I was just her guinea pig, no desire to do something for me- just to help improve (her cooking to sell more pans).
I guess I can understand a single mother who working like her, not wanting or maybe not even having the energy to cook during the week. But she could have at least made dinner for me/us on the weekends- never...
I in my childlike hope, I guess told myself it was because she couldn't cook. So I let her off the hook, and put it out of my mind. I think some personality disorders deal a lot like that (like HPD, ASPD maybe NPD). It becomes a pattern of how to deal with negative/hurtful implications. A perception/understanding/realization is too overwhelming/too painful so you (purposely) just don't let it enter or you drop it from your mind. I did that a lot, it was one of my main coping mechanisms, especially say before 13.
It's different from DID coping because I remember most of what happened to me, and my feelings during. Yet to make it less overwhelming and painful I blocked out thought and understanding of what those situations etc. meant/implied. In a way it's good and helps to get on with life, to somehow still be able to enjoy other things. I seriously think it kept me from more depression as a child. Sure it make me seem simple & naive, but helped my own inner world somehow.
So I guess I really wasn't so dense, shallow, and brutish. This coping pattern helped me keep my mind out of it and kept me in general from going totally into a pt (like when I was a teen and allowed myself to perceive more).
Then when I found out as a teen because my mother was cooking over at her boyfriends, I was very bothered about that- not only feelings but perception broke through. Sooo…“She can cook, she just doesn't care about you to cook for you.”
Anyway, relationships... she never gave me any kind of advice about relationships friendships or otherwise. She did tell me some negative things about men. This being, along the lines of how men are the bosses, are in control of everything, therefore it's hard for a woman to get a break, to advance. Men pulled the strings in the working world and woman have to work twice as hard to get anywhere. She started working as a teen, she was on the forefront in the beginning days when woman were trying to advance in the workplace (in the 70's). She was there in the middle of it, in the business world and in college. In this area I did believe her, and mostly still do (although since more woman are out there, things have improved).
Ha getting a bit off the path... now that I think about it. You know, how much better is it really for woman (individually) to have another woman for a boss than a man? OK some men can go on a power trip, but some woman can & would make it hard for another woman as well. The whole competition/envy thing can come into play. I think actually woman have the potential to be worse- sneaky devious about it. Personally I don't think most men would purposely try to get you fired. No wait, I take that back - yea for one main reason-if a woman doesn't comply with their advances. The sin nature can come out with either sex...I wasn't in the workforce much...oooh but I did have a female co-worker who had it in for me, and tried everything to undermine me and to tell the boss negative things about me (probably tried to get me fired). All this was in the traditional female ways. All with the phony two-faced games that woman can play. Thank God males usually don't play games like that. Usually if they're out to get you (more like get back at you) they'll let you know straight out...
She didn't warn me about women, but she didn't have to, I could learn of the evil sides plenty enough through my own household. She talked a lot about her work relationships with males, but not about her personal ones (which I think was better that way anyway). I don't know what if anything I learned from her example (through her marriage & dating) all I knew as a child is it cost me time & attention from her. Then as teen I came to see it as her one weak spot. She presented herself one way (which she mostly was) but behind the scenes when it came to her romantic relationships she could get all messed up, confused, weak, vulnerable, not so confident. I didn't take joy in that though. Again, I didn't think- about my mothers weaknesses. Certainly I didn't like it when she drank, or got depressed while drinking. By the time I was in my teens I didn't care anymore, she had her life, I had mine. We just both lived in the same apt., and came and went.
She had a few female friends over the years. Like she was social and knew a lot of people, she'd go out a lot and meet people and do & talk like how your supposed to in those settings. So she had a lot of acquaintances. Yet she had few if any friends, like casual non close friends. She did have a few close friends (like 4 ) that she actually kept in touch with, talked with got together with from time to time. I hate to say but I think she was like how I hate. If things were going well with the boyfriend she barely (if at all) had time for her friends. Like if she could do whatever (go to the museum, concert etc.) with the boyfriend she would pick him over her friends. I felt she went with her friends when her first choice ( the boyfriend) fell though or wasn't interested in her activity (of course, I was the last choice).
I think 3 out of the 4 friends were because they asked her for advice. She loved to give her advice, and loved to tell others what she thinks is best for them to do. I remember the two had a lot of problems or liked talk about their problems to my mother ( they seemed to have a lot of emotional problems, not lifestyle issues, um not like they were in the"getto", lol my mother only liked "working people"). Who knows maybe they thought highly of my mother, that she knew what she was talking about... the other I'm not sure. I think it was because this gal was very quiet, calm & mild mannered. So that way again, my mother could do all the talking & directing. This lady also was pretty educated and was a teacher, more refined, but not the star type ( to steal my mothers shine). All fitting in with the Narc patterns...
I don't know how someone could willingly choose to put up with my mothers ego & overbearingness (ha, ok ok I had a best friend pretty similar...at least though she couldn't tell me what to do, didn't nag me 24/7... fun to hang out with/active, good conversationalist, pretty loyal).
Then I was thinking about how it really was more like 2 years that my mother left me, to live somewhere else. I was thinking about those school years and realized, she was gone for my 4 & 5th school yrs. LOL my mother didn't want to be low class (or ghetto) but that's the mindset of someone with NPD. Just as long as you have a good job, are educated (or in process) look good, say all the right things at the right time, and having a good catch on you arm... who cares how you treat your child your family...who cares what's in your heart, your character etc...
So maybe I learned, inadvertently from my mother- not to treat people like dirt (my mother treated everyone that way- just the family got it the worst). Later on I tried not to, I came to realize that I believed that all people had worth- no matter their skin color, intelligence, status etc.. Yes, I wanted to be ambitious like my mother, get things done, improve- but I didn't want to step on or hurt others to get there. I decided to value relationships as more important than "success".
I thought about my old best friend when I was 9 & 10- Effie. She was a Greek ( and pretty orthodox, I remember her praying) gal- I remember her like yesterday: social,, friendly, outgoing, bright, cheerful & positive, forgiving...I still have a piece of this bird made out of shells that she brought me back from when she took a trip to Florida. No one ever did anything like that for me before. She was a great friend- I was a jerk. I wasn't horrible but I was careless callous and took advantage of her good graces & forgiving nature. One time I did something very wrong towards her- it wasn't her, it was because I was messed up internally and she just happened to be the one there.
I didn't value our friendship then as I should have. I think now I was put back a bit by how friendly and caring she was towards me, since I wasn't used to that. I've asked God for forgiveness. I hope she's still the same or even better, I hope she's saved.
I was thinking how when I was in school during that time, I had "friends" at school, but it stayed there. I had a few friends, the gals were either nice to me or didn't give me problems. But, they were more like the kind of friends that I just talked to and hung around with at school. Nobody ever asked me to sleep over at their house, or we didn't get together on the weekend. I wasn't deeply bothered about that 'cause I had my other friends to hang out with, from the neighborhood (particularly the gal above mentioned).
