Its been forever and a day since I've written on this blog. It seems like every time I try to grow close to God I am reminded of how fictional he seems to be. I'm a skeptic by nature, but a Christian by heart. Its a tough ride. Because right when I think I have proof of God's work there's some other explanation that makes more sense. And again, my mind likes logic over religion.
But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. And I'm fighting this battle alone. Because my local church has shamed me for so many reasons. This is why I struggle the most. My mentor watched me go through 3 years of ministry training and classes. Then when I got to the end of the ordination course 3 years after I started she refused to sign my papers. She said it was because I was "mentally ill". I have PTSD and ADHD. Its not like it affects me enough to keep me from serving God's kingdom. Other elders in the church have talked poorly of me because of it too.
I lost my vision in one eye, had three broken bones and a sprained achilles tendon. And they proceeded to tell me that it must be God's wrath. At that point in time I wasn't doubting God. I got up at 5am and read my Bible and worshipped and watched sermons for 3 hours before I started my day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I did everything I could to be the best I can be. My grandmother and her Christian friends talked about how they admired me. They came to me for advice.
I volunteered online for Youversion Bible App, JesusCares.com and Life Church Online's live prayer team. But my church thought I was useless, unworthy. Even when I volunteered for them for years. I had bragged about them so long. So I left. And I am trying soooo hard not to leave God. But its tough. But I'm tougher.
I don't know where I'm going with this exactly. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading through if you did.
I would love any words of advice you have if you're willing.
~Necki
But I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. And I'm fighting this battle alone. Because my local church has shamed me for so many reasons. This is why I struggle the most. My mentor watched me go through 3 years of ministry training and classes. Then when I got to the end of the ordination course 3 years after I started she refused to sign my papers. She said it was because I was "mentally ill". I have PTSD and ADHD. Its not like it affects me enough to keep me from serving God's kingdom. Other elders in the church have talked poorly of me because of it too.
I lost my vision in one eye, had three broken bones and a sprained achilles tendon. And they proceeded to tell me that it must be God's wrath. At that point in time I wasn't doubting God. I got up at 5am and read my Bible and worshipped and watched sermons for 3 hours before I started my day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I did everything I could to be the best I can be. My grandmother and her Christian friends talked about how they admired me. They came to me for advice.
I volunteered online for Youversion Bible App, JesusCares.com and Life Church Online's live prayer team. But my church thought I was useless, unworthy. Even when I volunteered for them for years. I had bragged about them so long. So I left. And I am trying soooo hard not to leave God. But its tough. But I'm tougher.
I don't know where I'm going with this exactly. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading through if you did.
I would love any words of advice you have if you're willing.
~Necki
