I get so anxious, because the apartment were supposed to get, they didn't call my mom back. In tired of getting my hopes up just for them to say, you didn't qualify and were just stuck here...in this hotel. Been here 3 years long enough to see 4 managers change out, and see many renovations( they replaced the street, repainted doors and even changed the color scheme inside these rooms)... I'm so afraid of just being stuck here that its surreal, I feel I'm losing my life here.
I feel I'm missing so much of life that its sad but the worse part is that...I can't help it, it can't be helped..because I'm stuck in this hotel, I can't get a job, I don't have friends, I can't get my license yet...so I'm just stuck. I register for my online classes in Feb...and I have so many nightmares about school..if ill get kicked out again due to financial reasons, if my computer will get pawned a million times like it did in real time..leaving me unable to finish my work...and with this school its 3 hours away so I can't and won't be able to use their computers... So if I fail, I fail...I'm so afraid of that.
No matter how hard I try, I feel like something is keeping me back...because I try as hard as I can, but I feel it may be a spiritual veil that blocks any and all potential life changing blessings that could come my way... If I did something wrong ill never know what I did.
My mind only regurgitate the events that led up to me leaving my former church, I just wonder if I'm being punished because I stood up for myself? Because I decided to not let anyone treat me like crap even if they are the pastor? Idk, ill never know.
All I know is that I'm afraid of being stuck, my life being frozen in time while my friend is getting through school with no issues and is about to get married... I stopped contact with him a couple times because my life just seemed to spiral while his got better. We both started out in deplorable states yet he was able to rise out of his condition while I wasn't. For this reason even when I see old friends on Twitter I see all they accomplished and at 25 years of age, I just don't feel worthy to even "friend" them...what would talk about anyway? Having my life pass me by has left me with little to no life experiences....so I can't relate with most people my age... So I just feel like there's this great chasm between me and most people. People who are lucky enough to be normal.
And all of this makes me think...when I was with a guy, made my first mistake... ( this will be tmi..soo I'm gonna try and sugar coat it as best I can) Last year during the summer I met a guy and was intimate with him. I wasn't into the guy but even during I felt like I felt nothing, their were no emotions...though his kisses were sloppy and just ..not the best lol..so maybe that's why I wasn't into it. I feel before doing all that I need an emotional connection and it scared me bc I don't want to be demisexual...some of the things they said fit me , not all though ..won't know until I have another round with a guy. I just feel like I'm wired so differently that I'm not made for this world.... you'd think that would make me a good Christian but there's a great expanse between me and god as well, even though I'm trying to make it work...I just feel like as a Christian and a person in this world I've been branded with a rejection stamp.
Anyway on to the point... I just feel maybe it best for me to stay out of my friend's life... I always wanted to meet him but he's about to get married and is busy with school so I don't think it'll ever happen...and I see no reason to keep up a friendship strictly based on texting with no plans to meet up...not only that but to just see my friend rise and have a good life, its very embittering. I just feel my purpose was to be a friend for them rather than them be a friend to me because I stuck with them until their lives got better... and they don't know how to really comfort me I guess... So I feel like ill do what's inevitable, just speeding it up... I think when I stop contact ill stop it permanently...so I can readjust to be alone again. My friend will have their family, a good career, everything...eventually our interests will shift as they become a married working,spouse and they'll out grow me and we will naturally part ways. I can see this so clearly, I need to do this now to avoid the pain.
I don't know why its like this, I don't. I feel cursed ..like special forces are working together in perfect cooperation to keep me in my current situation. That's why I've decided to give myself a year, one more year... If nothing changes, something as simple as getting my license or working a good job and making money.....then I may just end my life ..because there's no point to keep going when you yield the same results no matter what you do, dust, nothing, zero. Atleast, ill only be 26... I won't have to grow old and live with bitterness and anguish because I never had the opportunities to fulfill my dreams, never got a chance to experience love.... Instead of being an old lady with a tragic , pathetic life.... Ill at least go young ,with possibilities around me. People will think of me as young, trouble but with potential rather than old ,pathetic and a waste of a life. And I rather be seen as the first, not just for others..but for myself as well.
I don't want to live life if I can't feel and experience the love of a significant other.. I just dont, I don't want to live if I don't have the opportunity to make my dreams as an animator come alive, I just wished..since I was a nobody and had no real hope potential for this secular world( I'm an introvert riddle with anxiety) that I would at least enjoy a rich spiritual life... My aunt ,whose also a pastor ruined that....the damage is done. Though I had my own aha moment ...its still hard to trust god and believe he wants the best for you when I can't live my life ...and when I ask him what he wants for my life and he doesn't answer.
Sometimes I wonder if God is just pushing me towards the edge, I just think of a kid with an item between their hands and squeezing and pressing so hard until it finally pops or comes apart. I'm the item, god the kid...
I can't help but wonder..because he says he has mercy on whoever he wills, hardens hearts and everything else alot of people here choose to over look in the bible. Maybe I have to come to the realization I'm just not chosen, or one of gods people....if I were my life wouldn't look like this...and if it did God would at least talk me through my hardships and comfort me.
I feel maybe that's it,maybe god didn't chose me...maybe he did but for a different purpose ...maybe I am a pot of destruction.
Anyway, I'm just giving myself a year...if nothing changes despite my efforts I might have to check out. How can I stay in a world that's trying and pushing so hard to keep me out of it?
I used to think su*code was selfish ..and I still think it is..but I myself feel the emptiness and anguish....the hopelessness that I can relate . That's why Anne Frank is and will always be my hero because she was doomed from beginning to end. There was so getting better for her, there was no hope...no waiting it out or it'll get better. She was going to die and knew it. Alot of people today would probably ask what sins she committed to have landed in that situation or told her to pull herself up by her boot straps and all these other platitudes many well meaning but misguided christians spew out in attempt to make themselves and the person feel better ...but it doesn't work. I love her so much because nothing got better and she was able to be brave and optimistic without God giving her double for her trouble like Job...or even sparing her life. Because sometimes it just happens like that, life can be that dark. She was never able to grow up, live her dreams, she had potential but it was stifled...
To live your life, especially when you're dealt a crappy hand like that is brave....very brave. Its nothing to continue on when things look hopeful..but to continue to trudge on in darkness or be led to the slaughter, with dignity and grace is the most authentic form of bravery that could ever be displayed.
I just hope that like miss frank ..I'm brave enough to live my life, despite the hand I've been dealt. Guess ill know in a year, let the chips fall where they'll lie.
I feel I'm missing so much of life that its sad but the worse part is that...I can't help it, it can't be helped..because I'm stuck in this hotel, I can't get a job, I don't have friends, I can't get my license yet...so I'm just stuck. I register for my online classes in Feb...and I have so many nightmares about school..if ill get kicked out again due to financial reasons, if my computer will get pawned a million times like it did in real time..leaving me unable to finish my work...and with this school its 3 hours away so I can't and won't be able to use their computers... So if I fail, I fail...I'm so afraid of that.
No matter how hard I try, I feel like something is keeping me back...because I try as hard as I can, but I feel it may be a spiritual veil that blocks any and all potential life changing blessings that could come my way... If I did something wrong ill never know what I did.
My mind only regurgitate the events that led up to me leaving my former church, I just wonder if I'm being punished because I stood up for myself? Because I decided to not let anyone treat me like crap even if they are the pastor? Idk, ill never know.
All I know is that I'm afraid of being stuck, my life being frozen in time while my friend is getting through school with no issues and is about to get married... I stopped contact with him a couple times because my life just seemed to spiral while his got better. We both started out in deplorable states yet he was able to rise out of his condition while I wasn't. For this reason even when I see old friends on Twitter I see all they accomplished and at 25 years of age, I just don't feel worthy to even "friend" them...what would talk about anyway? Having my life pass me by has left me with little to no life experiences....so I can't relate with most people my age... So I just feel like there's this great chasm between me and most people. People who are lucky enough to be normal.
And all of this makes me think...when I was with a guy, made my first mistake... ( this will be tmi..soo I'm gonna try and sugar coat it as best I can) Last year during the summer I met a guy and was intimate with him. I wasn't into the guy but even during I felt like I felt nothing, their were no emotions...though his kisses were sloppy and just ..not the best lol..so maybe that's why I wasn't into it. I feel before doing all that I need an emotional connection and it scared me bc I don't want to be demisexual...some of the things they said fit me , not all though ..won't know until I have another round with a guy. I just feel like I'm wired so differently that I'm not made for this world.... you'd think that would make me a good Christian but there's a great expanse between me and god as well, even though I'm trying to make it work...I just feel like as a Christian and a person in this world I've been branded with a rejection stamp.
Anyway on to the point... I just feel maybe it best for me to stay out of my friend's life... I always wanted to meet him but he's about to get married and is busy with school so I don't think it'll ever happen...and I see no reason to keep up a friendship strictly based on texting with no plans to meet up...not only that but to just see my friend rise and have a good life, its very embittering. I just feel my purpose was to be a friend for them rather than them be a friend to me because I stuck with them until their lives got better... and they don't know how to really comfort me I guess... So I feel like ill do what's inevitable, just speeding it up... I think when I stop contact ill stop it permanently...so I can readjust to be alone again. My friend will have their family, a good career, everything...eventually our interests will shift as they become a married working,spouse and they'll out grow me and we will naturally part ways. I can see this so clearly, I need to do this now to avoid the pain.
I don't know why its like this, I don't. I feel cursed ..like special forces are working together in perfect cooperation to keep me in my current situation. That's why I've decided to give myself a year, one more year... If nothing changes, something as simple as getting my license or working a good job and making money.....then I may just end my life ..because there's no point to keep going when you yield the same results no matter what you do, dust, nothing, zero. Atleast, ill only be 26... I won't have to grow old and live with bitterness and anguish because I never had the opportunities to fulfill my dreams, never got a chance to experience love.... Instead of being an old lady with a tragic , pathetic life.... Ill at least go young ,with possibilities around me. People will think of me as young, trouble but with potential rather than old ,pathetic and a waste of a life. And I rather be seen as the first, not just for others..but for myself as well.
I don't want to live life if I can't feel and experience the love of a significant other.. I just dont, I don't want to live if I don't have the opportunity to make my dreams as an animator come alive, I just wished..since I was a nobody and had no real hope potential for this secular world( I'm an introvert riddle with anxiety) that I would at least enjoy a rich spiritual life... My aunt ,whose also a pastor ruined that....the damage is done. Though I had my own aha moment ...its still hard to trust god and believe he wants the best for you when I can't live my life ...and when I ask him what he wants for my life and he doesn't answer.
Sometimes I wonder if God is just pushing me towards the edge, I just think of a kid with an item between their hands and squeezing and pressing so hard until it finally pops or comes apart. I'm the item, god the kid...
I can't help but wonder..because he says he has mercy on whoever he wills, hardens hearts and everything else alot of people here choose to over look in the bible. Maybe I have to come to the realization I'm just not chosen, or one of gods people....if I were my life wouldn't look like this...and if it did God would at least talk me through my hardships and comfort me.
I feel maybe that's it,maybe god didn't chose me...maybe he did but for a different purpose ...maybe I am a pot of destruction.
Anyway, I'm just giving myself a year...if nothing changes despite my efforts I might have to check out. How can I stay in a world that's trying and pushing so hard to keep me out of it?
I used to think su*code was selfish ..and I still think it is..but I myself feel the emptiness and anguish....the hopelessness that I can relate . That's why Anne Frank is and will always be my hero because she was doomed from beginning to end. There was so getting better for her, there was no hope...no waiting it out or it'll get better. She was going to die and knew it. Alot of people today would probably ask what sins she committed to have landed in that situation or told her to pull herself up by her boot straps and all these other platitudes many well meaning but misguided christians spew out in attempt to make themselves and the person feel better ...but it doesn't work. I love her so much because nothing got better and she was able to be brave and optimistic without God giving her double for her trouble like Job...or even sparing her life. Because sometimes it just happens like that, life can be that dark. She was never able to grow up, live her dreams, she had potential but it was stifled...
To live your life, especially when you're dealt a crappy hand like that is brave....very brave. Its nothing to continue on when things look hopeful..but to continue to trudge on in darkness or be led to the slaughter, with dignity and grace is the most authentic form of bravery that could ever be displayed.
I just hope that like miss frank ..I'm brave enough to live my life, despite the hand I've been dealt. Guess ill know in a year, let the chips fall where they'll lie.
