Growing Sense of Vulnerability
No one is holy like the LORD! There is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.” 1 Samuel 2:2 (NLT)
As I get older, I am finding that the aging process has many aspects that can be disconcerting if I lose focus.
When I forget that I am a pilgrim, on a journey, and on that journey, there will be impasses that I have to traverse, is when I find myself feeling lost and bewildered, and yes frightened.
An impasse can be formidable and seem impossible to get through, yet there is always a way around, over, or beneath. Or if that does not work, to simply wait. If I stay true to what my faith tells me the journey is about, there will be movement, mostly from my deep interior.
Learning to accept, and even embrace physical diminishment, while difficult, can be adapted too. The so-called new-normal is a reality to those who are moving towards the experience of being ‘old’.
It is the changes in the inner life that can be daunting if my perspective is off, or contrary to what my faith tells me this part of my journey is about. I do know that death has a lot to do with it, my physical death, yet there are other deaths deeper in that I feel are more arduous and frightening. Yet, must be faced. If not, I feel that I will become rigid, controlling, and overwhelmed by anger and frustration.
I am not always sure what, or who I am. Or what am I becoming? Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, or at the end of this life? I do understand agnosticism since we do live in a world where our most important questions are not answered by philosophy, science, or even religion. Though in religion, the living out of its precepts, seeking deeper understanding is the actual key. Religion, and science, and yes philosophy, become a problem when they become closed, ideological in the sense where they are closed off from reality.
Progression in the spiritual life deepens our trust in God, for it is in trust that our faith becomes alive. Without trust, faith becomes placating, self-absorbed, and can easily move into self-righteousness.
For in order to keep up a certain façade, a great deal of repression has to be brought into play.
From my experience, repression becomes harder as I age. Not that I still do not repress, but the wall between the conscious and unconscious mind weakens. So the older I get, the more I see that the persona that I have spent years building is starting to crumble at ever faster rates.
I am not in control, nor am I fearless, not in actuality really that loving or caring. I tend to be slothful, hard headed, arrogant, and vulnerable to what others think of me. It is just there, part of my humanity, seeds planted when very young showing themselves to me at this stage of my life in ever deeper shades of gray and black. How do I deal with it?
I am happy this is happening, though not happy in the ordinary way that word is used. The other day I was praying and told the Lord that if he was not the sure Rock that I stand from, I would just become a whirlwind of fears, anxieties, and desires. Yet Lord, if I stand with you, if you are my Rock, the whirlwind, nor the waves, will uproot me. I may fail, the roots through grace remain.
I do believe that this is the normal path for humans. If not taken, I would remain frozen in time, becoming a rigid, angry, anxious 25-year-old, buried under the bravado.
The ego must fragment, fall apart, and it is faith, the look towards the Lord that keeps the underlying ‘mind’ calm and reflective in the midst of chaos. As Jesus said: “Fear is useless, what is needed is trust”.—Br.MD
