Had another nightmare yesterday morning... One good thing is that it helped inspire a new story for me...
But I just wonder...how long will I have to live like this? Stuck in this hotel, in these 4 walls with nothing to do and no where to go... I feel the longer I stay in my house the "crazier" I go... I never got the jobs I applied for, I just wonder what type of curse is upon my life..
Sometimes I wonder if k*long myself will at least open up opportunities for my mom..sometimes I feel like we keep getting turned down by apt complexes because God is waiting for the deep weight to finally fall off ( me) .. I just wonder if I were to do it..if right after, my mom would get a call for that 3 bedroom apt she wanted, I wonder if her life would turn around... Sometimes I wonder if its me ...the reason we're going through this hell...I feel like a cursed object that must be got rid of...
I just wonder why, if god don't give me the opportunity to change my life, why do I keep living if I can't do anything...it makes no sense. I try and try but to no avail nothing works out.
I had to go through 4 interviews ( for one job...a fast food one at that)just to be turned down because I couldn't go to orientation because we have one car and my mom is full time... Then I tried at a nursing home, not only was the woman snappy but the position was filled a month ago.... While my friend was hired on the spot,gets paid 10 dollars an hour and makes her own hours...
I don't understand...
I can't tell you how many times I've scheduled my road test just to have things come up to prevent me from talking it... How many times I had to pawn my computer that I use for school ....its because of this that makes me afraid to reapply...i even have dreams of failing ...
I just don't understand.
I would gladly trade lives with someone like Lizzie Velasquez...even though she has a very visible issue and a tough life...at least she was able to make something out of it, she was able to affect peoples lives and make a change.... And I feel I can't..I'm just stuck and this is all ill ever be...just stuck in time... I want to change my life, I have the desire, the energy, ambition but all I'm missing is the opportunity...
Sometimes it makes me slightly want to go back to my pastor that treated me badly because I feel I did something wrong, for god to be silent and just curse me with this stagnant hollow shell of a life..
If I were asked today...what my happiest moment is in life... I could only give you 1...in all my 25 years of living.
I'm trying to be brave enough to continue to live my life even though it doesn't seem promising... The thoughts of ," will my life truly get better," " Will my life be like this forever" keep me up at night ..and is what has me up now.... That and I'm tired of nightmares...
I don't know what I did to god.. But I just wish he would at least tell me so I could break this ugly curse...because I feel like he's trying to break me, or get me to tap out when it comes to life...and he's about to win. Because I can't take much more.
But I just wonder...how long will I have to live like this? Stuck in this hotel, in these 4 walls with nothing to do and no where to go... I feel the longer I stay in my house the "crazier" I go... I never got the jobs I applied for, I just wonder what type of curse is upon my life..
Sometimes I wonder if k*long myself will at least open up opportunities for my mom..sometimes I feel like we keep getting turned down by apt complexes because God is waiting for the deep weight to finally fall off ( me) .. I just wonder if I were to do it..if right after, my mom would get a call for that 3 bedroom apt she wanted, I wonder if her life would turn around... Sometimes I wonder if its me ...the reason we're going through this hell...I feel like a cursed object that must be got rid of...
I just wonder why, if god don't give me the opportunity to change my life, why do I keep living if I can't do anything...it makes no sense. I try and try but to no avail nothing works out.
I had to go through 4 interviews ( for one job...a fast food one at that)just to be turned down because I couldn't go to orientation because we have one car and my mom is full time... Then I tried at a nursing home, not only was the woman snappy but the position was filled a month ago.... While my friend was hired on the spot,gets paid 10 dollars an hour and makes her own hours...
I don't understand...
I can't tell you how many times I've scheduled my road test just to have things come up to prevent me from talking it... How many times I had to pawn my computer that I use for school ....its because of this that makes me afraid to reapply...i even have dreams of failing ...
I just don't understand.
I would gladly trade lives with someone like Lizzie Velasquez...even though she has a very visible issue and a tough life...at least she was able to make something out of it, she was able to affect peoples lives and make a change.... And I feel I can't..I'm just stuck and this is all ill ever be...just stuck in time... I want to change my life, I have the desire, the energy, ambition but all I'm missing is the opportunity...
Sometimes it makes me slightly want to go back to my pastor that treated me badly because I feel I did something wrong, for god to be silent and just curse me with this stagnant hollow shell of a life..
If I were asked today...what my happiest moment is in life... I could only give you 1...in all my 25 years of living.
I'm trying to be brave enough to continue to live my life even though it doesn't seem promising... The thoughts of ," will my life truly get better," " Will my life be like this forever" keep me up at night ..and is what has me up now.... That and I'm tired of nightmares...
I don't know what I did to god.. But I just wish he would at least tell me so I could break this ugly curse...because I feel like he's trying to break me, or get me to tap out when it comes to life...and he's about to win. Because I can't take much more.