There was a point in my life when all of my emotions were so distorted I became numb. I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. My body operated on auto pilot as my mind jumped from one thought to the next. As a result, I was a ticking time bomb. After lashing out at people unexpectedly, I finally trained myself to stop holding everything back. I found that doing so brought me a sense of peace. Those around me were no longer walking on eggshells in fear of setting me off.
After a few years of actually working hard at this, I finally became an open book and realized that my life story not only helped others, but gave me healing. This took a lot of effort on my part and getting to this point wasn't easy.
Feb. will be 3 years since losing one of the most important people in my life. My best friend/mother in law. We were Yin and Yang, Fire and Ice, Thelma and Louise. We were so close that when she was having a hard time, I knew it without her saying a word. Many times I picked up the phone and as soon as she answered, I asked, "What's wrong?" That was a very special connection we had.
The fire and ice we came by quite honestly. She was the fiery one and I was the icy one. Somehow, we had just enough of the opposite to complete one another, hence, the Yin and Yang. She never wanted her kids to see her emotions, so she hid a lot. I knew this wasn't a good thing, for I had just struggled with revealing my own. Her husband knew that was a hard thing for her for the only people who saw the "real" her was me and him.
I'll never forget the day before her funeral. My father in law looked at everyone and said, "There will be no tears. No one is to break down and cry or nothing of the sort." I felt like I was being told how to feel. I had been crying my eyes out for 4 days already. I cried anyway. I held back a lot, considering, but I cried.
I think about the misery she felt by holding in so much. I knew that misery too well. The fear of others seeing you cry and mistaking it for weakness. To cry is not weakness. It shows that a person is in touch with their emotions. It shows that we are human. When I hear someone make fun of crying, one verse comes to mind...... Jesus wept. There is not one thing that anyone has gone through that He hasn't felt the pain from. He experienced death, hell and the grave. He suffered everything! So in knowing that, it humbles me. I don't question why I have to go through anything. I don't hide my emotions under a rug. There is a time for everything. I am not above anything or anyone. I am human. I have emotions and those emotions keep me in check with self.
After a few years of actually working hard at this, I finally became an open book and realized that my life story not only helped others, but gave me healing. This took a lot of effort on my part and getting to this point wasn't easy.
Feb. will be 3 years since losing one of the most important people in my life. My best friend/mother in law. We were Yin and Yang, Fire and Ice, Thelma and Louise. We were so close that when she was having a hard time, I knew it without her saying a word. Many times I picked up the phone and as soon as she answered, I asked, "What's wrong?" That was a very special connection we had.
The fire and ice we came by quite honestly. She was the fiery one and I was the icy one. Somehow, we had just enough of the opposite to complete one another, hence, the Yin and Yang. She never wanted her kids to see her emotions, so she hid a lot. I knew this wasn't a good thing, for I had just struggled with revealing my own. Her husband knew that was a hard thing for her for the only people who saw the "real" her was me and him.
I'll never forget the day before her funeral. My father in law looked at everyone and said, "There will be no tears. No one is to break down and cry or nothing of the sort." I felt like I was being told how to feel. I had been crying my eyes out for 4 days already. I cried anyway. I held back a lot, considering, but I cried.
I think about the misery she felt by holding in so much. I knew that misery too well. The fear of others seeing you cry and mistaking it for weakness. To cry is not weakness. It shows that a person is in touch with their emotions. It shows that we are human. When I hear someone make fun of crying, one verse comes to mind...... Jesus wept. There is not one thing that anyone has gone through that He hasn't felt the pain from. He experienced death, hell and the grave. He suffered everything! So in knowing that, it humbles me. I don't question why I have to go through anything. I don't hide my emotions under a rug. There is a time for everything. I am not above anything or anyone. I am human. I have emotions and those emotions keep me in check with self.
