Each Person God’s Only Child (i Forget Sometimes)

The other morning, I was in a place of rootlessness. Floating, restless, unsettled, seeking some way to find a place to rest…..yet I fought prayer. It is strange how I will often do that, as if praying is something so hard, that I can’t spend energy being in communion with God. So I drifted, tried to read, could not, walked, but my restlessness was unabated. I find this state painful, even if I understand I often prolonged it by my wanderings, by my lack of discipline. I could feel the call to prayer, but fought it, almost against my will.

So finally after a couple of hours of this (the noonday devil, experienced in the morning), I went into the church, which was empty at that time, and sat down, and just put myself in God’s presence and waited. At first my mind was numb, without thought, then the distractions came, and I was thinking about this, then about that, and tried to bring my mind back to the present. Finally, I pulled out my Rosary, which I was also fighting praying it. It is as if, a part of me does not want to be settled, rooted in Christ Jesus, so I was in a tug of war, well sort of. Perhaps I was just in a mood. I do know, that the longer I seek the Lord, the more I am aware of areas of my life that still fight being seen by God’s loving gaze. Often not sure what is fighting, but it is part of my own inner life.

The Rosary is a good form of prayer for those who need something tactile to hold on to. It helps to dispel energy in a way that is calming, and not leading to more agitation. So I slowly prayed the Fatima Prayer, the Glory Be, the Our Father, and the Hail Mary’s. Soon my body started to relax, and my mind became focused, and I was beginning to find some inner calm, and peace. So once again, I learned that when attacked by the noon-day devil, no matter what time of the day, it is best to simply pray the best way one can. For me it is the use of the Rosary. Some days, I stay distracted when saying the Rosary, so I focus only on the words. Other days I sink into the divine presence, on others, I find I need to ponder some aspect of Scripture. Good days, bad days, there all the same, and we all have our share.

I do not believe one moment is holier than another, or one place more sacred than others, but emotionally I am not there. Perhaps by the time I am 80, this will truly sink in. Until then, I will continue to seek to ‘settle in’ more quickly, to spare myself the endless desert that I can put myself in.
Running away from the very thing I seek……yet in all things God grace triumphs.