It's been just over a year since my psychotic episode that nearly killed me.
I'm still not entirely over it. In between the assurance of grace and the love God has shown me, I'm haunted by my old life. It's fear, irrational and foolish, but there none the less. But God is not an emotional experience. If someone tells me they feel an unrelenting happiness and their life since coming to Christ has been a cakewalk, I'll recommend they look for a psychiatrist.
That's my personal opinion.
Life is not--nor should it be--happy all the time. If you have never doubted, never struggled, never wondered why God does what He does or where He is in the midst of your circumstances, then you are not paying attention to reality.
I still wonder what God is up to, sometimes. I pray and feel as if my prayers are bouncing off the sky. But even now I remember Matthew 15:21-28. A Gentile woman whose daughter was possessed by demons came to Jesus, asking for help. Jesus would not even speak to her.
That's where so many would give up, and probably curse Him.
The disciples asked Jesus to send the woman away for making a scene. Jesus simply answered, "I was sent for the lost sheep of Israel." When you think about it, that's not really a reason to send the woman away, nor is it a reason to keep her around. Based on Jesus' words, one might assume He was unwilling to help her because she was a Gentile, not a Jew.
But we know Jesus was omniscient, and had a purpose. His response was a delay, allowing the woman enough time to worship before Him. The word "worship" in Greek meant to come before an entity and kiss the hand of it, like a dog would lick the hand of its master. I doubt the woman slobbered on Jesus, but she was desperate.
She recognized she was not worthy of God. She had cried out, and He ignored her. So she moved closer and showed her deference to Him. In previous encounters, Jesus had been moved to act based on such gestures. Not this time. He said, "It's not good to throw even the children's bread to the dogs."
Understand, children were not high-ranking members of the household. Dogs were pretty much at the bottom. Jesus said, in essence, "You're little more than a dog. Why should I help you?"
The woman replied, "Yes, Lord, but even the dogs get the crumbs from the children's bread." In other words, she had recognized who Jesus was (the promised Messiah, and the Son of God). She then recognized Jesus was under no obligation to help her, she only knew that He could, if He was willing.
"Then Jesus answered and said to her, 'O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.' And her daughter was healed from that very hour." (Matthew 15:28)
Jesus made a powerful statement in doing what He did. He had said that He was sent for the lost sheep of Israel, and yet He healed the Gentile woman's daughter. Why? Because Jesus was saying that those who believe are just as much a part of Israel as the Israelites.
He also illustrated something for us in the modern day. We can't go down the street and knock on Jesus' door. We can't see God in physical form. Sometimes, He might be silent to show us how willing we are to pursue Him. And even then, Jesus' response to the woman wasn't nice.
"You're as wretched as a dog. You don't deserve my help. Why should I help you?"
And there, we see two things: one, that assistance was delayed further and two, that what God does in response to our prayers doesn't always seem nice. Yet, He always has a point.
"God, I know I don't deserve Your help, but I also know that You can help."
At those times when we aren't happy in our walk, and God doesn't seem to respond, there's a lesson. As I am right now, I know that God can hear me, and I know He wants to draw me closer. When God is silent, that's our cue to pursue Him more fervently.
That doesn't mean God will answer our prayers as we would like, but we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). However God answers, He has reasons for it.
It's taken me over a year to hear again from God after my "episode," and His progress report on my life hasn't been a pleasant one. Yet He has heard me, and I have responded. In that way, He's drawn me into Him while asking, "are you prepared to endure the unpleasantness ahead?" Just as the woman responded to Jesus acknowledging the truth of his not-nice statement, I'm at a point where I have to decide if I'm willing to endure some not-nice circumstances.
If I am, God can help me. If not, I'll carry on with my struggles.
I'm still not entirely over it. In between the assurance of grace and the love God has shown me, I'm haunted by my old life. It's fear, irrational and foolish, but there none the less. But God is not an emotional experience. If someone tells me they feel an unrelenting happiness and their life since coming to Christ has been a cakewalk, I'll recommend they look for a psychiatrist.
That's my personal opinion.
Life is not--nor should it be--happy all the time. If you have never doubted, never struggled, never wondered why God does what He does or where He is in the midst of your circumstances, then you are not paying attention to reality.
I still wonder what God is up to, sometimes. I pray and feel as if my prayers are bouncing off the sky. But even now I remember Matthew 15:21-28. A Gentile woman whose daughter was possessed by demons came to Jesus, asking for help. Jesus would not even speak to her.
That's where so many would give up, and probably curse Him.
The disciples asked Jesus to send the woman away for making a scene. Jesus simply answered, "I was sent for the lost sheep of Israel." When you think about it, that's not really a reason to send the woman away, nor is it a reason to keep her around. Based on Jesus' words, one might assume He was unwilling to help her because she was a Gentile, not a Jew.
But we know Jesus was omniscient, and had a purpose. His response was a delay, allowing the woman enough time to worship before Him. The word "worship" in Greek meant to come before an entity and kiss the hand of it, like a dog would lick the hand of its master. I doubt the woman slobbered on Jesus, but she was desperate.
She recognized she was not worthy of God. She had cried out, and He ignored her. So she moved closer and showed her deference to Him. In previous encounters, Jesus had been moved to act based on such gestures. Not this time. He said, "It's not good to throw even the children's bread to the dogs."
Understand, children were not high-ranking members of the household. Dogs were pretty much at the bottom. Jesus said, in essence, "You're little more than a dog. Why should I help you?"
The woman replied, "Yes, Lord, but even the dogs get the crumbs from the children's bread." In other words, she had recognized who Jesus was (the promised Messiah, and the Son of God). She then recognized Jesus was under no obligation to help her, she only knew that He could, if He was willing.
"Then Jesus answered and said to her, 'O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.' And her daughter was healed from that very hour." (Matthew 15:28)
Jesus made a powerful statement in doing what He did. He had said that He was sent for the lost sheep of Israel, and yet He healed the Gentile woman's daughter. Why? Because Jesus was saying that those who believe are just as much a part of Israel as the Israelites.
He also illustrated something for us in the modern day. We can't go down the street and knock on Jesus' door. We can't see God in physical form. Sometimes, He might be silent to show us how willing we are to pursue Him. And even then, Jesus' response to the woman wasn't nice.
"You're as wretched as a dog. You don't deserve my help. Why should I help you?"
And there, we see two things: one, that assistance was delayed further and two, that what God does in response to our prayers doesn't always seem nice. Yet, He always has a point.
"God, I know I don't deserve Your help, but I also know that You can help."
At those times when we aren't happy in our walk, and God doesn't seem to respond, there's a lesson. As I am right now, I know that God can hear me, and I know He wants to draw me closer. When God is silent, that's our cue to pursue Him more fervently.
That doesn't mean God will answer our prayers as we would like, but we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). However God answers, He has reasons for it.
It's taken me over a year to hear again from God after my "episode," and His progress report on my life hasn't been a pleasant one. Yet He has heard me, and I have responded. In that way, He's drawn me into Him while asking, "are you prepared to endure the unpleasantness ahead?" Just as the woman responded to Jesus acknowledging the truth of his not-nice statement, I'm at a point where I have to decide if I'm willing to endure some not-nice circumstances.
If I am, God can help me. If not, I'll carry on with my struggles.
