April 28, 2010
Today is rough, it started out rough and finished just as rough, there is no easing up of this pain. I have longed for the feeling of God's presence in my life, I have longed for the sence of knowing that I, his daughter, have made him proud. I haven't felt that way in so long. I just want that feeling like I am doing his will and am on the right path like I once did not to long ago. The whole point of this fast for me was to have the fullfillment of his love in my life again.
To start of my day I got to work to find that my computer will not come on, a repercousion of the virus I had accidently down loaded a few days prior, and thought the problem had been taken care of Yesterday....well it hadn't and my computer flat refused to boot. Then when it did I got on and found a message from one of the leaders in our church slamming women and saying how married men are bound by the old ball and chain and are bound by nagging wives and crying children, I as furiouse! Then I went to get my fruit since I am on this fast and my mangos were bad, my mixed fruit was spoiled and half of the bunch of bannanas were the same, I had to cut out half of the potatoes I had botten and then to add to it, my I reached for my peanuts in frustration to find that they were gone.
That after noon I went to Bible study to come to the realization that everyone seemed to be loosing weight but me, I have gained some tens pounds or better. I am barly hanging on, this all seems so mute to me, there is so much I do not understand, I am so confused and I am trying to figure out why God seems to be over looking me. I feel bad for feeling this way but I just can not help it, I am trying to look past all of this to see the silver lining but it all seems so rusted and tarnished....Jesus polish this pile of messy garbage and renew its value!
Today is rough, it started out rough and finished just as rough, there is no easing up of this pain. I have longed for the feeling of God's presence in my life, I have longed for the sence of knowing that I, his daughter, have made him proud. I haven't felt that way in so long. I just want that feeling like I am doing his will and am on the right path like I once did not to long ago. The whole point of this fast for me was to have the fullfillment of his love in my life again.
To start of my day I got to work to find that my computer will not come on, a repercousion of the virus I had accidently down loaded a few days prior, and thought the problem had been taken care of Yesterday....well it hadn't and my computer flat refused to boot. Then when it did I got on and found a message from one of the leaders in our church slamming women and saying how married men are bound by the old ball and chain and are bound by nagging wives and crying children, I as furiouse! Then I went to get my fruit since I am on this fast and my mangos were bad, my mixed fruit was spoiled and half of the bunch of bannanas were the same, I had to cut out half of the potatoes I had botten and then to add to it, my I reached for my peanuts in frustration to find that they were gone.
That after noon I went to Bible study to come to the realization that everyone seemed to be loosing weight but me, I have gained some tens pounds or better. I am barly hanging on, this all seems so mute to me, there is so much I do not understand, I am so confused and I am trying to figure out why God seems to be over looking me. I feel bad for feeling this way but I just can not help it, I am trying to look past all of this to see the silver lining but it all seems so rusted and tarnished....Jesus polish this pile of messy garbage and renew its value!
