Br. Alan’s question that made me stop and think
Over the years, before 2013, when I was placed in the retreat house, and was still working in our infirmary, I would at times be brought front and center from either a statement or a question that was asked me by one of the men I was taking care of. So I find that it is happening again now that I am back taking care of Br. Alan.
About two weeks ago, during the morning shift, I was starting to wake up Br. Alan. He is easy to wake up, and usually has a ready smile for me. This morning he did not smile but asked me a very direct question. “Am I going to die”. A simple question, but one I was not expecting at that early hour. So I thought for a bit and responded that since he was 99 years old he did not have a lot of time left, but he could still live a few years. I talked about Fr. Luke, who lived to be 102, and enjoyed life up to the end.
He responded that he still wanted to live, but was not afraid to die. Such is the human situation. Perhaps we love life so much because it is so short, the time we have, even if 100 years goes by fast. I would think that if one day our lives were to be extended to 1000 years, we would adapt to that scale of time and perhaps still think our lives were very short.
In my dad’s side of the family, the men tend to die in their early 80’s. Uncle Jim would be the exception, he died at 63 from cancer. So perhaps I have maybe 15 years of life left if I do not die from COVID-19. A short period of time, and with the rapidity that time goes by, 14 years will be here in a blink.
I am getting used to the idea of my own personal exiting from this world, but have no idea what it is like to die. People like to say that they do not fear death. I say it as well, but none of us knows really how we will react when we get the news from our doctor that we have only a few months to live, if we are lucky and do not die in a car accident for example.
I do believe that death is important, perhaps the most important event of our lives. Because at death who we really are will come out in naked truth. Our unconscious will become our conscious awareness, we will see ourselves before God as we are, all excuses are shown for what they are, childish deflection from the truth. The fruit we bring forth will become the seed that is returned to the earth, and that seed is not just our bodies, but our deepest self as seen before God.
If God is love, and we are called to become that love. To love as God does, to love our enemies, to forgive those who hurt us, to let go of our own desire for justice, which is often just revenge, well what if we do not do that. Love, true love, heals, lifts up, and expands. Evil devours our souls until there is nothing left of our humanity. So if I were to die without love in my soul, the ingredient that leads to a deeper humanity, what remains? If I am loveless and stand before ‘Love’, I will flee from it, for to stand in the the face of love and to be filled with hatred would make what we call heaven, worse than any hell, we can think of.
So when I am with Br. Alan, now that I am almost 72, I see that the span from my age to his, which I will probably not make, can put things into perspective. I feel a pull from God, a very strong one to dive deeper into this ocean of mystery that is revealed to us in Jesus. It can seem fearful, for to stand in the presence of Infinite Love, would mean the death of all that is in me that is not love. Burned away as stubble as St. Paul says.
I often get tired of levels within me that want to hold me back in spite of my desire to love God and others more. Yet I continue, and I feel that when the time comes for that finale stripping of all that keeps me from becoming what I am made to be, Jesus will be there on that journey as well.
I want everyone to be there. Jesus said that many would not. I do not like that, but our human freedom is a weighty reality that has to be dealt with in our everyday lives, one choice at a time, one prayer at a time, being open to God’s grace, mercy, and the “YES!” from God that is Jesus.—Br.MD
