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Revelations from the Belly of a Fish

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I am in the midst of spiritual rebellion. I have resisted the Call of God upon my life (and therein lies the problem - it is not MY life, but the life He - my Creator - has granted me). I struggle with disobedience.

I need to learn what it truly means - what it truly FEELS like - to experience and live under God's Mercy. As a professed believer in Christ, I must truly learn what it means to align my heart with His.

As a teacher, God gave me opportunity to minister to the young. In this I failed my family by treating those young people better than I did my own children. While there, God's Spirit called me to "get up and go" minister to those confined to a Montana reservation. When opportunity arose, I - in my weakness - allowed others to convince me not to go. God then called me to Oklahoma to be close-in-proximity to my daughter. After a year, I "ran" after a failed relationship. A two-days' journey away.

Now I find myself in spiritual isolation. No Christian fellowship to speak of - or very minimal at best. The closest family 1,000 miles away. Trapped in a literal leaky vessel for a home - in the "belly of a fish".

Do not take me wrong ... I am grateful for the roof over my head and the food on my table. But those things which at one time kept my spirit full with heavenly joy are gone as the result of my decisions to rebel and run - run away from God and His perfect Will to chase after my own desire and comfort:

"If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters - and even his own life - he cannot be My Disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after Me cannot be My Disciple. In the same way, every one of you who does not say good-bye to all his possessions cannot be My Disciple," (Luke 14: 26-27, 33).
I do not believe that Jesus wishes us to sever all family relationships in order to follow Him. However, I DO believe that NOTHING - not even family - should stand in the way of one's relationship and service to the Kingdom of God.

Many God-fearing, family-loving men have stood behind the pulpit and cried out to the lost: "Why not repent and give your life to Christ? It is absolutely free and will cost you nothing." I have never agreed with this. Even when I was young and immature. For if there is any truth at all to the Gospel of Christ, salvation WILL cost you your life. At least as you now know it.

I confess I am guilty of projecting much of the blame for MY disobedience onto the backs of others while I search and beg for God's Understanding and Mercy. But where is MY mercy and compassion for those I held responsible for what I viewed as taking advantage of my weaknesses? I have been hypocritical by this omission. After all, when it is said-and-done, it is I who is ultimately responsible for my disobedience. I pray for the relentless Grace of God and His continued Pursuit of me - the rebellious one. And I pray for the same compassion upon those around me - many of whom I have wished for the righteous Judgment of God to fall upon. I am humbled, however, through Paul's reminder in Romans:

"There is NO ONE righteous, NOT ONE; there is no one who understands, there is no one who seeks God. ALL have turned away and they have become useless; there is no one who does good, not even one," (3:10-12).
I have been disobedient to the Call of God to be a representative of His Son on earth by rebelling against His Directive and my judgmental views upon others - who I am no different than.

(to be continued)
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