Feeling pretty bad. Today didn't seem too bad. I played some pool with my brother and my best friend. Afterward, I had a corn muffin with blueberries and a ginger beer. For dinner I had mashed potatoes, asparagus, channa masala beans, scrambled eggs, and kale. My brother and my best friend both painted pictures that they will put on the wall for my mom.
However, under all of this I still feel miserable. Maybe it's the voices. I'm not sure. Lately I've been hearing three voices. One voice is the devil, one voice says it is an angel, and one voice says that it is Jesus (or close to being Jesus). I don't believe that that voice is Jesus though. It doesn't sound like Jesus would sound according to my imagination. For some personal reasons, I believe that Jesus is out to get me, so why would he show up as a positive voice and try to help me?
Fighting with the voices really makes me miserable. I'm always arguing with them. I mostly argue with the good voices. I'm convinced that Jesus is out to get me, so whenever the good voice says "Maybe Jesus loves you" I start arguing with it, saying, "There is no way Jesus loves me. I'm a truly terrible person." I argue like this all day long. It makes me feel terrible, but I feel like it's the truth, so I stick to my guns.
I wanted to go to church today, but I woke up at 1 pm as usual because of the medication I take at night for schizophrenia. I need to find a church that meets in the afternoon or evening. Maybe going to church will make me feel better about Jesus. Somehow I doubt it though. I think I've made up my mind about things and I can't change my mind. I keep thinking these signs I got are from God, and these signs were hateful signs. I can't stop believing in the signs.
Anyway, if you read this please pray that I will have faith. I don't want to hate Jesus, I've just become convinced due to signs that he doesn't like me. I hope and pray that these signs are from the devil and in the end God will win and I will be saved. For some reason I just feel pretty bad all day long and this makes me really pessimistic. I really think that I will be buried alive soon, and then that will be it for me for all eternity.
Thank you.
However, under all of this I still feel miserable. Maybe it's the voices. I'm not sure. Lately I've been hearing three voices. One voice is the devil, one voice says it is an angel, and one voice says that it is Jesus (or close to being Jesus). I don't believe that that voice is Jesus though. It doesn't sound like Jesus would sound according to my imagination. For some personal reasons, I believe that Jesus is out to get me, so why would he show up as a positive voice and try to help me?
Fighting with the voices really makes me miserable. I'm always arguing with them. I mostly argue with the good voices. I'm convinced that Jesus is out to get me, so whenever the good voice says "Maybe Jesus loves you" I start arguing with it, saying, "There is no way Jesus loves me. I'm a truly terrible person." I argue like this all day long. It makes me feel terrible, but I feel like it's the truth, so I stick to my guns.
I wanted to go to church today, but I woke up at 1 pm as usual because of the medication I take at night for schizophrenia. I need to find a church that meets in the afternoon or evening. Maybe going to church will make me feel better about Jesus. Somehow I doubt it though. I think I've made up my mind about things and I can't change my mind. I keep thinking these signs I got are from God, and these signs were hateful signs. I can't stop believing in the signs.
Anyway, if you read this please pray that I will have faith. I don't want to hate Jesus, I've just become convinced due to signs that he doesn't like me. I hope and pray that these signs are from the devil and in the end God will win and I will be saved. For some reason I just feel pretty bad all day long and this makes me really pessimistic. I really think that I will be buried alive soon, and then that will be it for me for all eternity.
Thank you.
