Today was pretty tough. The voices told me some things that really got me down. The voices really made me feel like I'm not loved. Everyone says God loves me, but this voice is always trying to bring me down. I have a hard time disbelieving it sometimes. I know that it's some form of the devil, but for some reason I keep believing him. I hear other voices too and they say distressing things as well.
I worried today that one of the voices telling me bad things was Jesus. I hope it wasn't Jesus who said these things. It makes me feel hopeless when I think about Jesus hating me. I know Jesus is the only way to salvation, so it makes me feel bad when I start feeling like he hates me.
I'm not very good at seeking out treatment for schizophrenia. I'm taking 600 mg Clozaryl and 4 mg Haldol, but I still hear voices in my head all day long. I'm not very good at communicating with my psychiatrist, mostly because I worry about trying out new medications. I take Clozaryl because it helps a little bit and no other meds made me feel anything different at all. So Clozaryl seems like it is best. The Haldol doesn't seem to do too much. In all honesty I can't sleep without the Clozaryl, so I feel like I can't try other medications. Maybe I could stop the Haldol and start a different medication, or just add another medication and take 3 medications.
I really worry about things I've said in the past. There are times I feel like I must have blasphemed against the holy spirit, but most people say if you worry about it you didn't do it. I just said something bad about Jesus once and after I said those words a magical sign appeared on my hand saying that Jesus will get me for what I said. I feel like I've said so many stupid things and I know that Jesus feels very strongly about blasphemy.
Today wasn't all bad, I guess. I helped a poor person on my way home again. It always makes me feel better when I help poor people. I had a good time in class today. I feel like I got a lot of work done. I also played some cards with my brother, my dad, and my best friend. Then after playing cards all 4 of us played Settlers of Catan. That game is fun, but in the end it sometimes kind of turns people against each other. I think I take that game too seriously. Maybe everyone does.
I also had pasta for dinner tonight, and I really like pasta. My brother and my best friend have been playing a game called Octopath Traveler. It looks pretty cool.
I'm trying to read The Bible more. I want to be a better Christian. I'm thinking about going to church more often and getting involved with the Christian community.
Anyway, hopefully this will be a good weekend. I'll try to get some work done and have a good time too.
I worried today that one of the voices telling me bad things was Jesus. I hope it wasn't Jesus who said these things. It makes me feel hopeless when I think about Jesus hating me. I know Jesus is the only way to salvation, so it makes me feel bad when I start feeling like he hates me.
I'm not very good at seeking out treatment for schizophrenia. I'm taking 600 mg Clozaryl and 4 mg Haldol, but I still hear voices in my head all day long. I'm not very good at communicating with my psychiatrist, mostly because I worry about trying out new medications. I take Clozaryl because it helps a little bit and no other meds made me feel anything different at all. So Clozaryl seems like it is best. The Haldol doesn't seem to do too much. In all honesty I can't sleep without the Clozaryl, so I feel like I can't try other medications. Maybe I could stop the Haldol and start a different medication, or just add another medication and take 3 medications.
I really worry about things I've said in the past. There are times I feel like I must have blasphemed against the holy spirit, but most people say if you worry about it you didn't do it. I just said something bad about Jesus once and after I said those words a magical sign appeared on my hand saying that Jesus will get me for what I said. I feel like I've said so many stupid things and I know that Jesus feels very strongly about blasphemy.
Today wasn't all bad, I guess. I helped a poor person on my way home again. It always makes me feel better when I help poor people. I had a good time in class today. I feel like I got a lot of work done. I also played some cards with my brother, my dad, and my best friend. Then after playing cards all 4 of us played Settlers of Catan. That game is fun, but in the end it sometimes kind of turns people against each other. I think I take that game too seriously. Maybe everyone does.
I also had pasta for dinner tonight, and I really like pasta. My brother and my best friend have been playing a game called Octopath Traveler. It looks pretty cool.
I'm trying to read The Bible more. I want to be a better Christian. I'm thinking about going to church more often and getting involved with the Christian community.
Anyway, hopefully this will be a good weekend. I'll try to get some work done and have a good time too.
