Really believe I am going to hell soon. I keep arguing with the voices. They say "Maybe you're not a horrible person." I keep telling them all the things I did and that's why I'm a horrible person. I don't talk with people about what I did wrong, but I do talk to the voice about those things. I accuse myself day and night because I feel like I'm horrible and I'm going to hell because of that.
I've read that God will forgive those who repent. I just feel like what I did was too bad. Nothing I can do will undo what I did. And what I did has made me worthy of eternal hell (in the form of a coffin).
They know that to send me to the real hell would not be a punishment for me because I am wicked. They know what I am afraid of so they will give me a coffin. They know I'm afraid of death, so they will give me eternal death.
The drop deadline for school is quickly approaching. I don't believe I have the courage to quit. Everyone tells me not to quit and I don't want to disappoint everyone. I don't want to disappoint my classmates or my teachers. I really believe I'm going to get a C, though, and then I will go to hell. I guess maybe I was hell bound anyway, but I feel like I made bets so they will repay me for the bets if I don't quit.
I want to say thank you to Emli for the comment on my July 31st entry. It really made me feel better. I didn't read it until after I wrote what I wrote above. So now I'm feeling better than I was. Kind words always help me and make me reconsider my feelings. I hope that I can be forgiven for what I've done in the past. I want to believe that Christ died for me and that I can be reborn. I'm just very negative and hear these voices all the time that make me afraid. I have a hard time accepting Jesus because I feel like I've done too much wrong in my life. But I want to believe. I just started believing that my salvation revolves around what grades I get at school. I feel like I made bets about my grades and God will repay me for them. Everyone tells me, though, that these bets don't count against me. So I will pray that God will show me the truth somehow.
I've read that God will forgive those who repent. I just feel like what I did was too bad. Nothing I can do will undo what I did. And what I did has made me worthy of eternal hell (in the form of a coffin).
They know that to send me to the real hell would not be a punishment for me because I am wicked. They know what I am afraid of so they will give me a coffin. They know I'm afraid of death, so they will give me eternal death.
The drop deadline for school is quickly approaching. I don't believe I have the courage to quit. Everyone tells me not to quit and I don't want to disappoint everyone. I don't want to disappoint my classmates or my teachers. I really believe I'm going to get a C, though, and then I will go to hell. I guess maybe I was hell bound anyway, but I feel like I made bets so they will repay me for the bets if I don't quit.
I want to say thank you to Emli for the comment on my July 31st entry. It really made me feel better. I didn't read it until after I wrote what I wrote above. So now I'm feeling better than I was. Kind words always help me and make me reconsider my feelings. I hope that I can be forgiven for what I've done in the past. I want to believe that Christ died for me and that I can be reborn. I'm just very negative and hear these voices all the time that make me afraid. I have a hard time accepting Jesus because I feel like I've done too much wrong in my life. But I want to believe. I just started believing that my salvation revolves around what grades I get at school. I feel like I made bets about my grades and God will repay me for them. Everyone tells me, though, that these bets don't count against me. So I will pray that God will show me the truth somehow.
