Things have been full-on for me in the last 2 months.
Since my last blog I wound up in a very tricky situation which is laughable from an external point of view.
So.. there was this lady that I rather liked. Being a "wannabe good single christian man" I prayed about dating her many months ago, and felt like I should wait. Then, tada, I met her at an event, yet was quite aloof, talking to her a little bit but generally playing it cool, as a friend of mine said that she was getting over a previous relationship.
Then, out of nowhere I made the mistake of telling a christian brother of mine there with me that she was really nice AND that he should go and talk to her. (WHAAAT?) He being older and more forward than me, did so, really liked her and then asked her out!
Well, the week after I went through about 10,000 emotions and a few candid conversations with my mate, and pretty much told him I wasn't happy with what he had done! So, with his permission, I ended up asking her out as well - at the same time.
Anyway the weeks after that were an emotional rollercoaster, and brought up all my issues with pride, bitterness, envy, jealousy, hatred and murder, impatience, idolatry, unforgiveness etc while making friends with and pursuing this lady - knowing full well I'm not the only one she is seeing. (It was kind of like being on the bachelorette, but a Christian version!!). Very humbling.
I ended up spending much time on my knees and shedding many tears, and have been reading the book "The exemplary husband" by Stuart Scott. God has been dealing with my issues of covetousness, envy and bitterness around women and dating - stuff that has gone back right through my whole life - and it is very painful.
It all 'apparently' ended finally when she ended the relationship with both of us at the same time (to my relief), but my friend has continued to pursue her. I thought he had backed off, but discovered otherwise when he knew all about conversations that I had since had with her! (They were much closer than I had realised. Triangle - burned)
So I pulled away on the advice of many family and friends.. But the horrible thing is all the hatred and stuff that came up. Some might say understandable, but completely disobedient and sinful.
It has given me a clear picture of some of the evil issues that have followed me through my life, i.e. avoiding rejection, desire for revenge, abusing those who abuse me, and has exposed my horrible pride that has come into my life.
God convicted me through James 3:14-18 followed by James 4:1-10.
2 things I think have been exposed:
1) Pride, that has led me to treat women horribly my whole life whenever I perceive that I've been rejected by them or 'done wrong'.
This has manifested itself in sexual abuse as a kid, to ignoring girls I 'like', to using porn, to not creating sexual boundaries with my first girlfriend over a decade ago, to cheating on that same girlfriend with prostitutes to hurt her and end the relationship, to the last 3 failed relationships I've been through.
With this most recent situation, I believe my pride led me to:
a) play games with this lady I liked and not be direct with her,
b) Get my mate involved, who doesn't have these pride issues like I do and then
c) Get extremely jealous when He starts dating her.
All my sulky passive game playing behaviour got exposed, and now my pride wants revenge.
2) Pride which has built up in the last 6 months.
Yes, I believe I have started living life 'loud'.
1) not being humble,
2) sharing stuff all over facebook,
3) being a busy body and talking with everyone
God has been convicting me recently that I have lost my humility and that the last few months have been mostly about me, and doing things to make me look good and attractive to women.
Time for some BIG changes in my life. Lord, please give me your grace and mercy!
Since my last blog I wound up in a very tricky situation which is laughable from an external point of view.
So.. there was this lady that I rather liked. Being a "wannabe good single christian man" I prayed about dating her many months ago, and felt like I should wait. Then, tada, I met her at an event, yet was quite aloof, talking to her a little bit but generally playing it cool, as a friend of mine said that she was getting over a previous relationship.
Then, out of nowhere I made the mistake of telling a christian brother of mine there with me that she was really nice AND that he should go and talk to her. (WHAAAT?) He being older and more forward than me, did so, really liked her and then asked her out!
Well, the week after I went through about 10,000 emotions and a few candid conversations with my mate, and pretty much told him I wasn't happy with what he had done! So, with his permission, I ended up asking her out as well - at the same time.
Anyway the weeks after that were an emotional rollercoaster, and brought up all my issues with pride, bitterness, envy, jealousy, hatred and murder, impatience, idolatry, unforgiveness etc while making friends with and pursuing this lady - knowing full well I'm not the only one she is seeing. (It was kind of like being on the bachelorette, but a Christian version!!). Very humbling.
I ended up spending much time on my knees and shedding many tears, and have been reading the book "The exemplary husband" by Stuart Scott. God has been dealing with my issues of covetousness, envy and bitterness around women and dating - stuff that has gone back right through my whole life - and it is very painful.
It all 'apparently' ended finally when she ended the relationship with both of us at the same time (to my relief), but my friend has continued to pursue her. I thought he had backed off, but discovered otherwise when he knew all about conversations that I had since had with her! (They were much closer than I had realised. Triangle - burned)
So I pulled away on the advice of many family and friends.. But the horrible thing is all the hatred and stuff that came up. Some might say understandable, but completely disobedient and sinful.
It has given me a clear picture of some of the evil issues that have followed me through my life, i.e. avoiding rejection, desire for revenge, abusing those who abuse me, and has exposed my horrible pride that has come into my life.
God convicted me through James 3:14-18 followed by James 4:1-10.
2 things I think have been exposed:
1) Pride, that has led me to treat women horribly my whole life whenever I perceive that I've been rejected by them or 'done wrong'.
This has manifested itself in sexual abuse as a kid, to ignoring girls I 'like', to using porn, to not creating sexual boundaries with my first girlfriend over a decade ago, to cheating on that same girlfriend with prostitutes to hurt her and end the relationship, to the last 3 failed relationships I've been through.
With this most recent situation, I believe my pride led me to:
a) play games with this lady I liked and not be direct with her,
b) Get my mate involved, who doesn't have these pride issues like I do and then
c) Get extremely jealous when He starts dating her.
All my sulky passive game playing behaviour got exposed, and now my pride wants revenge.
2) Pride which has built up in the last 6 months.
Yes, I believe I have started living life 'loud'.
1) not being humble,
2) sharing stuff all over facebook,
3) being a busy body and talking with everyone
God has been convicting me recently that I have lost my humility and that the last few months have been mostly about me, and doing things to make me look good and attractive to women.
Time for some BIG changes in my life. Lord, please give me your grace and mercy!
