I wonder what it would be like to live as a perfectly healthy person - I mean, mentally. I don't know. I can't imagine it; I really can't. I've been depressed for seven years; a SI'er for four years as of the 10th; have had an ED for three and a half years; have been suicidal for three years, on and off; have been dxed as bipolar for two years; have been molested at three times in my life, multiple times (ages 14, 15, 17) and have had flashbacks for two years... the list just seems to go on. My T and my pdoc at the time (2005, I had just turned 17 and that was before the third molestation) thought I had PTSD, before they even knew about the molestations. I guess they've revised their beliefs since my trauma was a "little t" trauma - I am not horribly affected by it most of the time - but when the memories come, they really flood in and overwhelm me.
It feels like my life (as in, the past decade) has just been a series of mishaps. It sometimes feels like God is not there, although I know He is. It is so tiring... I want to give up so badly. Last night was horrible. All I wanted to do was take all of the benzos I have (currently ~140mg...)... "give up and lie down" ... it's just not fair. Even my husband wonders sometimes why God just doesn't take away my pain. He (Jarrod) sees it so much more clearly than I do. I'm so numbed to it that I know intellectually I'm hurting badly when I want to cut or give in to ED urges, but emotionally, it just feels normal. I can't imagine a life where that isn't the case. And I can't imagine someone who has never been suicidal, not even once. My dad is like that. He can't imagine being suicidal, and I can't imagine not having been suicidal. It feels so, so normal to me. It hurts like hell when I get to that place, enough that even I notice it... but it feels normal. I've been there so many times before, I'm used to it. It's always a new thing, though, at the same time - new circumstances, new place and time, and sometimes a new plan... but not always. Benzos have been my desired modus operandi, although I've not given in yet. I haven't even tried. Especially now that I'm married, now that I have someone who would hurt so very much if I died, or even if I went into the hospital for an extended period of time, it's harder to think of allowing myself to overdose. I wish I could, sometimes, especially in the past 24 hours (that's what happens when I don't sleep, I guess - bad plans start forming)... but no can do.
I just wish I could end the pain. Because even though I can't feel it, I know it's there, and I want it eradicated (some of the time, anyway). I've been prayed over, I've prayed about it, but it's not gone yet. I guess it's just my thorn, my cross to bear - at least for now - but still... it's not fair... however, life isn't fair, and - as Jarrod says - if it were, we would all die and go to hell, because as we are, as humans, we don't deserve eternal life in Heaven. That's why Jesus came. But... it still feels like life ought to be fair - at least, give the happy people, the giddy shallow ones, a taste of the dark side of life. That way they won't go through life thinking it's all roses and rainbows, for although people may say ignorance is bliss, they would be better off as far as understanding most people if they got a taste of both sides, the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the joyful and the painful. At least, those are my thoughts. Or else, everyone should be joyful - although not happy and shallow - joyful is a state of being - happy is a feeling, shallow is a state of being.
I don't know. I just feel so... yuck. And on that note, I really ought to get back to working on final stuff. I have a take-home final for my medical anth class that I've not begun yet... time to dig into that. Oh joy...
Blahhh.
It feels like my life (as in, the past decade) has just been a series of mishaps. It sometimes feels like God is not there, although I know He is. It is so tiring... I want to give up so badly. Last night was horrible. All I wanted to do was take all of the benzos I have (currently ~140mg...)... "give up and lie down" ... it's just not fair. Even my husband wonders sometimes why God just doesn't take away my pain. He (Jarrod) sees it so much more clearly than I do. I'm so numbed to it that I know intellectually I'm hurting badly when I want to cut or give in to ED urges, but emotionally, it just feels normal. I can't imagine a life where that isn't the case. And I can't imagine someone who has never been suicidal, not even once. My dad is like that. He can't imagine being suicidal, and I can't imagine not having been suicidal. It feels so, so normal to me. It hurts like hell when I get to that place, enough that even I notice it... but it feels normal. I've been there so many times before, I'm used to it. It's always a new thing, though, at the same time - new circumstances, new place and time, and sometimes a new plan... but not always. Benzos have been my desired modus operandi, although I've not given in yet. I haven't even tried. Especially now that I'm married, now that I have someone who would hurt so very much if I died, or even if I went into the hospital for an extended period of time, it's harder to think of allowing myself to overdose. I wish I could, sometimes, especially in the past 24 hours (that's what happens when I don't sleep, I guess - bad plans start forming)... but no can do.
I just wish I could end the pain. Because even though I can't feel it, I know it's there, and I want it eradicated (some of the time, anyway). I've been prayed over, I've prayed about it, but it's not gone yet. I guess it's just my thorn, my cross to bear - at least for now - but still... it's not fair... however, life isn't fair, and - as Jarrod says - if it were, we would all die and go to hell, because as we are, as humans, we don't deserve eternal life in Heaven. That's why Jesus came. But... it still feels like life ought to be fair - at least, give the happy people, the giddy shallow ones, a taste of the dark side of life. That way they won't go through life thinking it's all roses and rainbows, for although people may say ignorance is bliss, they would be better off as far as understanding most people if they got a taste of both sides, the light and the dark, the good and the bad, the happy and sad, the joyful and the painful. At least, those are my thoughts. Or else, everyone should be joyful - although not happy and shallow - joyful is a state of being - happy is a feeling, shallow is a state of being.
I don't know. I just feel so... yuck. And on that note, I really ought to get back to working on final stuff. I have a take-home final for my medical anth class that I've not begun yet... time to dig into that. Oh joy...
Blahhh.
