I'm scared of relapsing. That fear is always with me, because I know how unstable I can be. I'm not suicidal right now, but I know that I could go on a months-long downswing again, just like I have this past spring - anytime. Or the opposite - hypomania. Now that would be horrible... because when I am hypomanic I am very impulsive, and whether or not I am suicidal, I may take pills. Or even if I don't need to cut, I may cut. I may restrict, may say "go to hell" to the things about which I really ought to care.
Right now I am fighting more with my ED. It's rearing up its ugly head again... I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan now that I'm home - I did pretty well in the hospital, I guess, considering I didn't have the high protein stuff there that I am supposed to be eating here. But I limited my carbs and ate a balanced diet. Now that I'm home it's more difficult, and I don't know why. I've just not been eating enough. I'm trying today to meet it... 4 protein shakes and a salad. So far I've gotten 3 protein shakes and a cookie (I'm "allowed" to have a little extra as far as carbs go, since four shakes is only 120g carbs and I can go up to 150g).
And drinking noncaffeinated fluid. That's a tough one. In the hospital I was getting probably around 2 or 3 cups a day, and now that I'm at home I'm back to that again, just like I was years ago. I'm sick, so I should be drinking more, but it's such a struggle. I almost blacked out a few times today - first time that's happened in awhile, and I'm blaming it on being sick. (Don't know how that would make any sense - don't ask. Heh.)
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to those of you out there who are reading this. Just... please... it's been nearly 3 years since I first went downhill with an ED... never, ever try to restrict calories to an unhealthy amount. Eat balanced meals with balanced portions and exercise a healthy amount. Don't take it to extremes. I remember when I started.... I remember the first meal. We had just gotten back from a vacation up north, where I had been sexually assaulted, and I don't know what was running through my mind - wanted to be more attractive or less attractive, I don't know - but I started following my mum's eating patterns. She nibbles all day long, at meals but also at other times, and it works for her. But I just ate about the same amount as she did at meals and didn't allow myself to eat between meals. So that was like a spoonful of baked beans and a spoonful of pasta salad and half a cup of milk for a meal. No wonder I lost weight so fast. Not healthy. Don't try it. But I still miss it.
It's intoxicating, seeing the numbers on the scale go down. Seeing the pounds fly off, seeing the numbers get smaller and smaller... feeling your ribs protruding and your hands getting bonier and fingers thinner and yellower. Seeing veins where you never saw veins before. It just drives you to go further, to push past the limits of what you thought you could endure, to see how far your body can go before it collapses. It's a game, a contest, where you will be both a loser and a winner. It's a fight against all that is sane. It's a battle zone where the healthy part of you gets smaller and smaller and weaker and weaker and the unhealthy part of you grows bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger, until you can no longer hear the healthy voice because the unhealthy voice is so powerful and loud.
It's hell.
Yet I miss it.
I am learning my cycles. Self injury, then suicidality, then eating disorder, and probably back again. Except I don't know how frequently I'll cycle. Probably once or twice in a year. I will need to be strong, because this next semester, I cannot go IP. It's going to be an evil semester, four 75 minute classes with only one break in between, Tuesdays and Thursdays only, and if I miss a day... I will have so much to catch up on. Much less a week or ten days. That would be hell.
But I think I am strong enough to not have to go IP for my eating disorder. It may get worse before it gets better; in fact, it probably, most likely will; but I have had an ED for 3 years and I am learning how to live with it. Not well. No. I am still weak enough to listen to that unhealthy voice telling me that restricting works... but I am fighting back. I am eating. I am drinking.
And I am scared.
Right now I am fighting more with my ED. It's rearing up its ugly head again... I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan now that I'm home - I did pretty well in the hospital, I guess, considering I didn't have the high protein stuff there that I am supposed to be eating here. But I limited my carbs and ate a balanced diet. Now that I'm home it's more difficult, and I don't know why. I've just not been eating enough. I'm trying today to meet it... 4 protein shakes and a salad. So far I've gotten 3 protein shakes and a cookie (I'm "allowed" to have a little extra as far as carbs go, since four shakes is only 120g carbs and I can go up to 150g).
And drinking noncaffeinated fluid. That's a tough one. In the hospital I was getting probably around 2 or 3 cups a day, and now that I'm at home I'm back to that again, just like I was years ago. I'm sick, so I should be drinking more, but it's such a struggle. I almost blacked out a few times today - first time that's happened in awhile, and I'm blaming it on being sick. (Don't know how that would make any sense - don't ask. Heh.)
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to those of you out there who are reading this. Just... please... it's been nearly 3 years since I first went downhill with an ED... never, ever try to restrict calories to an unhealthy amount. Eat balanced meals with balanced portions and exercise a healthy amount. Don't take it to extremes. I remember when I started.... I remember the first meal. We had just gotten back from a vacation up north, where I had been sexually assaulted, and I don't know what was running through my mind - wanted to be more attractive or less attractive, I don't know - but I started following my mum's eating patterns. She nibbles all day long, at meals but also at other times, and it works for her. But I just ate about the same amount as she did at meals and didn't allow myself to eat between meals. So that was like a spoonful of baked beans and a spoonful of pasta salad and half a cup of milk for a meal. No wonder I lost weight so fast. Not healthy. Don't try it. But I still miss it.
It's intoxicating, seeing the numbers on the scale go down. Seeing the pounds fly off, seeing the numbers get smaller and smaller... feeling your ribs protruding and your hands getting bonier and fingers thinner and yellower. Seeing veins where you never saw veins before. It just drives you to go further, to push past the limits of what you thought you could endure, to see how far your body can go before it collapses. It's a game, a contest, where you will be both a loser and a winner. It's a fight against all that is sane. It's a battle zone where the healthy part of you gets smaller and smaller and weaker and weaker and the unhealthy part of you grows bigger and bigger and stronger and stronger, until you can no longer hear the healthy voice because the unhealthy voice is so powerful and loud.
It's hell.
Yet I miss it.
I am learning my cycles. Self injury, then suicidality, then eating disorder, and probably back again. Except I don't know how frequently I'll cycle. Probably once or twice in a year. I will need to be strong, because this next semester, I cannot go IP. It's going to be an evil semester, four 75 minute classes with only one break in between, Tuesdays and Thursdays only, and if I miss a day... I will have so much to catch up on. Much less a week or ten days. That would be hell.
But I think I am strong enough to not have to go IP for my eating disorder. It may get worse before it gets better; in fact, it probably, most likely will; but I have had an ED for 3 years and I am learning how to live with it. Not well. No. I am still weak enough to listen to that unhealthy voice telling me that restricting works... but I am fighting back. I am eating. I am drinking.
And I am scared.
